By Colm Pewter
True Dork Technology Editor

REDMOND, Washington (TDT).  Howard Crusher IV should feel sorry, but he doesn't.  "They had it coming," he said grimly, as police led him away from his finely-appointed condo in this siliconized Seattle suburb.

"They" are the millions of computer users worldwide who fell victim to Crusher's now-infamous "Rapture" computer virus. Arriving by e-mail under the "Virus alert" header, forwarding of the seemingly well-intentioned message to other users triggered a swift, fatal attack on the user by the powerful orbiting lasers recently deployed as part of George W. Bush's missile defense shield.

The mid-30ish programmer apparently hacked his way into top-secret Pentagon computers to carry out his nefarious scheme. Using top-secret FBI computer surveillance programs, Crusher could instantly pinpoint computer users who forwarded his e-mail. Then, hijacking the Pentagon's ultra-precise Global Positioning System, he could simultaneously obtain coordinates with which to target the satellite-based lasers. Within seconds of hitting the "send" button on their computers, victims were obliterated in a blinding flash, leaving only a blackened, smoking hole to testify to their previous existence.

The results were apparently wide-spread, making this one of the largest global disasters on record.  Many dimwitted mid- to upper-level executives, government officials, and other computer neophytes around the world were consumed by Crusher's attack.

Asked for comment on his motives, Crusher declined comment, except to say he was sick of his boss sending him warnings about e-mail viruses every day, almost all of which turned out to be hoaxes.

"I guess I changed that," Crusher said, chuckling darkly.

Calls to the Pentagon to explain the apparent breach of international security were met with a curious silence.  Likewise, the White House was not only glaringly absent in their lack of public comment on the event, but failed even to answer repeated telephone calls.  Computer experts downplayed persistent rumors that these agencies were involved in the plot, saying "We don't think they're that smart."

As people around the world attempt to cope with rebuilding their home and workplace lives, Crusher remains unrepentant about his actions.  "Today, the world is a better place because of me.  You should thank me," he said.

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