HOROSCOPE

By Omar Starrs
True Dork Astrology Editor

Editor's note: Here at the True Dork Times, we recognize the importance of reaching our target audience.  We feel that, too often, horoscopes seem stale and impersonal.  So we've contacted all the best astrologers we could find within three feet, and had them write their predictions in a way that speaks directly to those who look to the stars for guidance.  Here is what they gave us:


ARIES (March 21-April 19)
We've contacted several prominent groups of aliens, and they're all planning to abduct you tonight at 11:27.  Do not, repeat, do NOT go outside at that time, and do not answer the door, even if they claim it's Publishers Clearing House. Line your walls and ceilings with as much tinfoil as you can carry.  Hurry! Time is short!

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
We sense your crystal power is fading... fading.... Quick! Jump up now and run to your nearest crystal store, and buy six  AA egg-sized crystals! To restore your aura's power, you must sit down on the floor cross-legged, and arrange the crystals at the points of a hexagram. Rub each crystal for six seconds, moving in a clockwise direction, then six seconds again in a counter-clockwise direction.  Do this every hour, on the hour, for one circuit of the sun, no matter where you are: school, a business meeting, driving a bus. Hurry! Your aura depends on it.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
All that meat you've been eating is clogging your intestines, leading to much inner turmoil.  Your only solution is to get four coffee enemas a day for two months straight, to completely cleanse your digestive tract.  Lucky for you, the True Dork Times is now offering coffee enemas for only $20 a treatment.  For mailing information, contact: truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com.  Don't thank us, we can tell you'll be eternally grateful.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Nothing very interesting is likely to happen to you today. Sorry.  Goddammit your life sucks.

LEO (July 23-August 22)
You have a grave conviction that evil biotech companies have secretly been slipping genetically modified foods into your diet.  Without arousing suspicion, put on some non-descript clothes, and clandestinely enter your local dietary supplement retailer.  Purchase all the Chinese herbs your wallet will allow, especially the ones that those know-nothing scientists claim cause kidney damage and cancer - it's a conspiracy to keep the truth away from you.  Take 10 to 20 times the recommended dosage, until your feelings dissipate.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
Why oh why has the corporate, conservative media not paid attention to the horrendous injustices PETA claims are associated with milk?  Not to mention the nutritional damage that cow's milk causes, at least as one correlative, poorly-controlled medical study seems to show, out of the thousands which have been performed?  Clearly, they are not acting in the public interest.  Your star-guided destiny is to make sure the public knows about the horrific injuries for which milk is responsible.  Go to a TV station, and march around outside, waving a sign explaining your point.  To attract more attention, and public sympathy for your position, do this naked, and periodically pour milk over yourself.  But don't let any get in your mouth!

LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
You are about to spontaneously combust. Oops! Too late.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)
Today you will see Bigfoot, who will be playing soccer with Elvis.  Since both are afraid of photography, you should instead commit the scene to your memory, and recount it at length to anyone who will listen.  Don't let their apparent disinterest dissuade you - they really want to know.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
Magnets! Magnets!! Magnets!!! Those crooked physicians want to keep you from this cheap and easy cure!  You've heard how these marvels of modern technology can cure arthritis, baldness, cancer, impotence, heart disease, glaucoma, spinal meningitis, mental retardation and depression? Well, now you can spend your entire day wrapped in magnets! Get your official True Dork Times magnet shirts, underwear, socks, pants, bedsheets, couches and car seats, for the low, LOW price of a mere $25 per magnet.  Contact truedorktimes@yahoo.com to learn where to send your unmarked bills.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
Your pets are reading your thoughts.  Don't say we didn't warn you.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
You'll be coming into a great fortune. Really! It could be a penny you find on the sidewalk, or your paycheck. Whatever, we require a finder's fee of a mere 50% for telling you about it. E-mail us at truedorktimes@yahoo.com for explicit mailing instructions.

PISCES (February 19-March 20)
Hey! The aliens that built the "face" on Mars have been trying to get in touch with you! Why haven't you answered? Don't let those slimy astrophysicists at NASA and JPL fool you, the Face is not just a pile of rocks. The aliens want you to go to the pyramids at Giza (which they also built, as you well know).  To hear their messages, you will need to coat yourself in silver paint, and put on a large pair of metal antennae. To talk to them, you will need a large conga drum. This was an advanced alien civilization, capable of interstellar travel, and large feats of engineering, but sadly, they are unable to use computer-, wireless-, television- or radio-based communications.  Hurry! Their next message awaits!


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