By Les Gett-Fisical
True Dork Adventure Racing Editor

NEW YORK (TDT).  All of his years organizing the Discovery Channel's "Eco Challenge" were no preparation for Mark Burnett, producer of CBS's popular "Survivor" series, as he tried to film the show's third season, "Survivor 3: Al Gore's Back Yard."

"We knew it was going to be tough, and that our challengers would be tested to the limits of their endurance, but we never suspected it would be this bad," a chagrined Burnett told the True Dork Times.  "This was a complete disaster."

CBS officials were equally contrite, but cast the blame squarely on Burnett's shoulders: "How could he not have seen this coming?"  The network has pulled the show from its projected 2001/2002 lineup, and required Burnett to either change the location of the competition, or cancel the show entirely.

Details about exactly what happened are sketchy, based on the secretive nature of the show's filming.  But several well-placed sources, speaking only on condition of anonymity, paint a picture of a Conradian nightmare run amok.  While none of the challengers appear to have been permanently physically harmed, no one is hazarding a guess as to their mental states.  Needless to say, none is expected to return, should Burnett choose to shoot at a different location.

One source claims the competitors were subjected to harrowing psychological torture from the outset, with the first immunity competition being: "Listening to one of Al's speeches."  As Gore droned on for hours on end, competitors dropped like flies, tears streaming down their faces.  Two brave souls, one from each competing tribe, soldiered on into the third hour, although a fracas erupted when one was discovered to be wearing earplugs.  The competitor who hadn't been cheating was later discovered in a near-catatonic trance, rocking slowly in a corner, muttering "lock box."

Still other competitions had the teams composing songs that would pass the watchful censorial ears of Gore's wife, Tipper, without offending her delicate sensibilities.  Competition had to be halted after both groups had failed repeatedly for three days, without sleeping.  Even more grim results in the "Receive a kiss from Al" and "Do the Macarena with Al" contests.

Gore also appeared to be interfering with the very concept of the show.  Several tribal council sessions, in which competitors vote one of their own off the show, had to be re-shot, after a war-painted Gore, clad solely in a loin cloth, burst onto the scene brandishing a torch, and screaming, "Every vote must be counted! Every vote must be counted."

Burnett himself suffered minor injuries, after throwing a punch at the former Vice President, and being beaten down by Secret Service agents. "It was moderately funny the first time, but by the sixth or seventh time Gore claimed he invented the show, I'd just had more than I could take," Burnett, who was not charged in the incident, admitted later.

Failure is not something that comes easily to Burnett, and he is taking his time deciding on whether to re-tool the series.  "Antartica is a possible site, but we wanted to shoot in June or July, so that we can edit the show properly before the first episode airs.  That's the middle of winter down there," he said.  "Still, it couldn't be any worse than this."