By Lou Kneetoons
True Dork Paranormal Editor

WASHINGTON, D.C. (TDT).  A group of aliens from the planet Phar Farriway have uncloaked their ship, and issued a terse apology to the United States for abducting rednecks.  Bloated, their green veins clogged with pork fat, the aliens also applied for asylum and requested disability compensation.

"We can't get back home now," lamented portly Farriwegian spokesalien Gazzle Norgitron. The chunky spaceman, clad in filthy jeans and a rust-colored T-shirt bearing the phrase "No fat chicks," further explained the aliens' predicament: "We weigh too much."

Norgitron explained that, after abducting trailer-dwelling white trash, and applying various anal probes, the aliens were unable to discern much about their captees.  Then tragedy struck after the Farriwegians decided to detain the humans for brief periods, and observe their behavior.  Shortly following these experiments, the aliens quickly became acclimated to their abductee's lifestyle.  Within a few days, the aliens noted a remarkable decline in their own cognitive and physical abilities, coupled with a steady deterioration in their willpower.

"Soon, we were kicking back on the couch every day, eating double bacon cheeseburgers and Super-size fries, drinking Milwaukee's Best, and watching hour upon hour of talk shows. Within a few weeks, we could no longer move, and had to order out for pizza.  Now we are so laden with your earthly lard, our ship cannot support our weight, and we are stuck here. Please pass the turducken."

Blaming their plight on "some sort of human-alien virus, causing chronic fatigue-like symptoms," the aliens were besieged by a frothing swarm of lawyers, anxious for the opportunity to remediate their suffering.

Government officials were skeptical of the aliens' request for financial assistance, but feigned interest long enough for FBI agents to sweep the spacecraft in search of useful weapons to use on drug users, liberals and Canadians.  They were met with stiff resistance from the alien guards, who gesticulated languidly and emmitted belch-like protests, almost stirring from their seats.  Luckily, the agents escaped without incident.

Rep. Dick Armey, (R, Tex) blasted the aliens' request as "just another buncha foreigners coming over here to get on welfare.  I say we give 'em the chair."  Democrats countered that the aliens might have useful scientific information to share with us, but their positions were hooted down by a cacophony of GOP cries of "bleeding hearts!"

Johnnie Cochran, newly selected counsel for the aliens, promised to seek "full restitution, it's in the Constitution!" for his clients.