I hate this show. I have not seen an episode yet this season, and yet I already hate every single noisome aspect about this show. (I do, on the other hand, love my new word-a-day calendar). From Jeff Probst's tiny Stocktonesque shorts, to the morning after interviews that the bootees still seem to be performing.

 

The only good news is that the booted off contestants appear to shed some sort of contagious mediawhore death stink during these interviews that ends the careers of "news" personalities faster than the ebola virus. In three years I think we have gone through three different sets of CBS morning show personalities. I think they may have also killed off Rosie O'Donnell too. If only BMP and Burnett could somehow join forces and have a Real World/ Survivor Super Challenge! It would be just like Jonestown. Excellent.

 

Previously on this dead franchise: The men make plans to win and get some dirty, dirty action. The women are very dirty. Janet eats a granola bar but begs not to be booted out for that. Turns out she was also a bitch. Buh Bye. DuhDuhDoydedoydedoydadadedoydada. Kill me.

 

We begin at the men's camp, and I swear every single one of these guys has been on the show before. Upon first inspection, I hate Dave the most. Just visceral. The men have name their camp Tambaqui, which I think is Amazonian for "Dude, smell my fart?"

 

 

"Dude" Count: 5.

 

The men have a nice communal hut because, according to Rob, men build, that's just what they do. Well, not all men. Especially Daniel. He doesn't do much of anything. Except identify odd jungle smells. Today's smell is: spoiled vinegar. It's emanating from Roger. Trust me Daniel, it's coming from everyone out there. We can only hope that once you leave it will somehow attach itself to Julie Chen.

 

 We are next introduced to the most well rounded and deep character on the men's team: a sloth. I now have a rooting interest in the show. Goooooo sloth. Meanwhile, typical male interaction continues at the men's camp. One guy threatens to kung fu chop another. Another two guys are having a secret tryst where they speak the hidden language of love to each other: Mandarin Chinese. The conversation pauses as they both stare into each other's eyes and seek the Mandarin word for "firm." Alas, we shall never know as the two slink back into the forest and the soft music begins....

 

"Dude" count: 12.

 

Meanwhile, over at the women's camp, Jaburu - which I think is Amazonian for "Dirty, Dirty Girls" - everything is quite disgusting. Horrible creatures have infested the food and beds. And that's just the women. (Badump bump. I'm here all week).

 

They have been in camp for seven days and have yet to do anything. They have no fire, no water, no food and no shelter. And I thought Joe Millionaire put women in a bad light. Jeanne, I think, decides that they need a corporate structure because if any group of individuals have lead to clean living, inspiration and a go-get'em attitude it is Corporate America. The first step in Enroning the mo'fo', she says, is to "initiate a delegator." Is this how women talk when they are alone?

 

Heidi, whom you might remember as the gym teacher from Porky's, admits that the women's team is a little bit raggedy. Heidi, you passed raggedy about 50 lbs ago, and you are well on your way to skeletal.

 

Challenge Time! This week's challenge is "Go Fishing for Hygiene"! The rules are the men get to ask the women what's in their boxes. If they guess the correct contents of the women's boxes then they get keep it. If not then they have to go fish. The winner gets a big crate of soap, shampoo and other fine products for whom CBS failed to get a sponsor.

 

The men have developed an excellent strategy for the game. Instead of actually playing Go Fish! they just ask the hottest chicks over and over again for the same thing. Ahh isn't that cute. I miss the sloth. At least he seemed to have a coherent plan for his life.

 

 

The women win, but in a twist of fate that only an idiot could understand, the men are convinced they won because now the women are all hot for their jungle love. It serves the women right, talking to the men and all, they should have known better. It's like a dating show has broken out in the middle of a survival show. Burnett, have you been watching FOX? At this point they should just rename the show Seven Butts for Seven Buttheads.

 

Rob thinks Heidi digs him, Matt wants Jenna, Daniel wants Shawna, Butch likes the dikey one, or is it vice versa, and Alex wants Jenna and finally Joanie loves Jesus. Of course all of these relationships are complete myth. Everyone of them.

 

But it's bath time at the women's camp. The women split up into bathing groups of hot chicks, old chicks and deaf chick. Poor Christy. She can bathe with me any day. I wonder how you sign "Screw you bitches, I'm going home!"

 

If you are a woman, you might want to stop reading now. I can't speak objectively about the next segment. If you are a man, this was perhaps the best segment in Survivor History. Shawna, Heidi and Jenna, the self dubbed hot chicks, have decided to take a topless bath together. Not only was I happy to see them, I also had an Immunity Idol in pants. (Tsk-ching). It was really enough to make one initiate the delegator if you know what I mean. (badump. Tip your waitress).

 

And the camera work was just excellent. Either they kept rerunning a five second snippet of Jenna washing her dirty, dirty breasts over and over again, or she was really washing her dirty, dirty breasts over and over again for like half an hour. I can't remember much after this, so read the rest of the summary with a grain of salt.

 

 

Meanwhile, back at the men's camp strategy is discussed to get rid of Roger, which means he's safe.

 

"Dude" count: 75.

 

I have a feeling that things are going to turn around for the men, because while the women were topless bathing, Tony Robbins visited the men's camp, cheered them up, sold 3 dozen books, sold 1 set of audio cassettes to Daniel, and left them with a giant "Believe in Yourself" sign. This type of self-motivated, get-up-and-go attitude immediately translates into fishing success. A whole 3 minnows! There is no stopping them now.

 

Dave, the rocket scientist, sums up the team's newfound winning and competitive attitude by saying "Jenna's butt is so sexy." Goooooo sloth.

 

Meanwhile, I am not the only man who was duly impressed by the topless bathing. Apparently Jesus was watching and he approved by blessing the holy waters. In what Joanna will later describe as the "Miracle of the Lures," the women have somehow magically transformed two fishing poles, a bucketful of bait, and a river full of fish into a three fish dinner! Thank you Jesus!

 

The men have their own higher power in the form of a Magic 8-Ball. Odds any of these dudes will get their shit together before they all get kicked off? My sources say no.

 

Challenge time! They are in a cage with ropes, knots, knives, poles, keys and chains. If you saw the Michael Jackson specials during sweeps, you may remember these cages from his Neverland Estate and suite in Las Vegas, sans Kieran Caulkin, of course.

 

Daniel looks confused by the challenge. Of course Daniel probably gets confused by velcro shoes, so he is used to this state of mind. The men fall woefully behind despite prolific "dude" use ("Dude" count: 102), and eve

 

Tribal council: Everyone knows that Daniel is going so all of the tribal council chatter is ridiculous. Daniel drops the race card by insinuating that as the one Asian guy amongst a group of whities, he is going to go. I am guessing it's more because he says stuff like "Roger, someone needs to stop payment on your reality check." And then pauses like he just said something really meaningful, even though he has no idea what it means because it actually does not mean anything.

 

Buh bye Daniel.

 

Final "Dude" count: 109.

 

Next week: Same boobs, fewer boobies.