This week's guest recapper: Cranky Andy!

 

Remembering last week, we see the two oldest survivors: Jan and Jake, aka cannon fodder, pick the teams. We see Jeff effortlessly over-pronounce Sooook Jaaii and Shueway Gon as if those words actually meant something. So multi-talented that Jeff. Here's some Rock And Roll Jeopardy for you, Jeff: The answer is "This divorcee will be relegated to 'Where are they now?' mentions on E! after Survivor 5 kills a successful reality franchise."

 

Beep beep beep. Time's up!

 

From last week, Tanya is sick and dehydrated, because she insists on throwing up after every drink. Talent like that deserves to be in Hollywood. Meanwhile, the voiceover makes a point of blaming Chewy Gone's loss on Ghandia (no relation to anyone of actual character). Is that really necessary? Give the sista a break. That little box puzzle was tough! Jed had the advantage due to his white affluent surburban upbringing where kids spend all day doing Thai style box puzzles.

Anyway, because of the loss, Preacher John gets the boot. There is now no Jesus on this island. Man has killed God. Now what will befall our soulless media whores?

 

weeedeeedo- dedodedodidadedo-deeedoodeedoodeaaa-dedodedodidadedo-deeedoodeedoodeaaa

 

(during the intros you see the picture of Robbbbb melt into a snake, or is it the other way around? Hard to be sure. Meanwhile, Jan's teeth appear to have gotten even more frightful from last week. Is that even possible? I thought those were stock photos. Maybe it was a monkey).

 

Commercial time. Looks like Tim Allen's got another movie. I thought he got kicked out of Hollywood. Well, he's back in some trumped-up plotless piece of crap titled the Santa Clause II: Santa Gets Some. I think the actual Santa "clause" reads something like: "By signing this agreement, Disney hereby owns your soul. Put on the stupid suit and shut up, fat boy."

Back to the action. Before we continue on this path of diatribes against Burnett, the whorish contestants, and the idiotic competitions, I have to warn you: Last week Spornan stated that Survivor was "at just the right level of suck to bore me to tears and force me to look forward to Big Brother, of all things. And that's just not right." Well, this week's episode dropped well past that level of suckage. Basically, there are 15 idiots on an island, they sit around and then someone leaves. That's it. That's all that happened. There's more action in those ridiculous Miller Lite commercial vignettes for Christ's sake! Last week's show was like Gone with the Wind compared to this travesty. This show is done.

 

Memo to Burnett: They've got threesome lesbian action on MTV! Actual whores prostituting themselves for a proposal from a rich guy on ABC! Celebrities on fire and wrestling snakes on NBC! Sitting on your butt on an island does not cut it anymore. This is the new millennium, so step it up! We want blood! Or at the very least, some hot lesbian threesome celebrity snake-wrestling whorish action.

 

The camera pans to ants and monkeys and bats. This might be exciting. It seems that in one short week Doctor Moreau has taken over the island and transformed our whorety crew into animals. Nice. I bet Robbb is exactly the same. But, dammit, the camera pans back to reveal them all, they are still alive, and human, or at least mostly so. I guess the editors realized that the ants were more exciting than anything the people were doing. So true.

 

Clay is snoring in the Chewey Gone tribe. Yawn. And the Emmy goes to....

 

Chewey Gone needs water and so Helen volunteers to go. Helen decides not to take the map, figuring that in an island in the middle of the ocean she will just be able to smell the water. Unfortunately she also decides to take Jan with her. Nice selection there. Jan is old, incompetent, old, weak, and did I mention old. None of the other guys on the island volunteer. Apparently they have a tee-time at 11:00 a.m. Good move, it's not like water represents life or anything. That would be fire. Of course fire was ignored on this season's first show, somehow it just appeared, so maybe fire no longer represents life. I think the theme of this years show is that camera time represents life.

 

Meanwhile, Helen is a flat-out laugh riot. Navy SEAL swimming instructor, my ass! Tell me this woman hasn't logged in hours standing in front of a brick wall. In the entertainment industry, there is a little thing called "it." Helen has "it" in droves.

 

First she riffs on how Jan is old and weak and can't paddle. Classic stuff!

 

Then she goes on and deadpans how Jan sits on her butt while she does all the work. Epic!

 

Finally, she closes her bit with "If I had had a gun, I would have shot her first, then myself second. That's why I don't carry a gun." Stop it Helen! I'm gonna pee my pants. Oooh hoo hooooo.... Good times. At this point I am praying the producers find this lady a gun. Or an open mike night. "Good evening, Thailand!"

 

While Helen uses her sense of smell to find water, Jan sits on the boat contemplating all of the AARP meetings she must be missing. Meanwhile God plays his own joke on the on the tribe by making it rain while Jan and Helen go get water. Wouldn't it just be less effort for these slack jawed idiots to stand outside and look up? Back at the camp, Clay and the other tribemates are making the turn onto the back nine. I just have nothing to say about this. ISN'T THIS FREAKING SHOW CALLED SURVIVOR? There are families in the Hamptons who are roughing it more than Chewey Gone. Seriously, Am I the only one who remembers Survivor: Borneo, where they had to build rat traps, they were so hungry. Now these chumps are actually putting on weight.

 

Survivor: Thailand.

Brutal. Harsh.

Sometimes it's a struggle just to make par.

When Helen and Jan return to the tribe five hours later, they have a boatload of ocean water along with their cans of fresh water. Helen immediately drinks her weight in fresh water thereby negating the whole trip. Ironically, if they had just sat in the cave all day and left the boat out in the rain they would have a boatload of fresh water. At least I think it's ironic. Maybe it's just a testament to stupidity.

 

Chewey Gone complains about exhaustion again. I can see how they get so exhausted. What with all the golf, hanging out, lying on the beach, lying in the water. Not to mention, walking twenty feet to get a seafood buffet. There are people on cruise ships right now who have to work harder to get a meal! Rough life.

 

Back at Suck Jay, there are shelter issues. I am wondering why none of them thought about finding shelter underneath Erin's massive bosom. Seriously. Fart Cheese warns the rest of the tribe that heave to build a shelter to keep the rain off of them, which is why they started with the floor. We get some actual foreshadowing when she warns: "Before the good times, we have to work together as a team." Thereby ensuring that no good times will be had this season by the contestants or the viewers. Jake says the shelter is an obsession with most of the tribe, but Stephanie and Jed are not doing enough work. Jed says that he doesn't think the shelter is a good use of their energy.

 

What Jed would think is a good use of their energy is unclear however because when the rest of the tribe goes and gets food, he just sits around. Some guy named Ken has apparently wandered on to the set and describes Jed as freakin lazy. Iím not sure who this guy is, but he makes sense.

 

After another hearty meal of oysters and crabs (Sheesh, Elvis ate less than these people!) they get ready to go to sleep for the night. Robbbbb, Jed and Stephanie decide to sleep outside because, EVEN THOUGH IT'S THE MONSOON SEASON, Robbbb the weather man thinks it will stay clear. The word "dude" in Robb's statement "I think its going to be a clear night dude," is still hanging in the air like a little thought bubble in a comic strip when the first lightning strikes and the rain begins. Of course the genius shelter builders didn't finish the roof and they all get wet during the night. Brilliant.

 

Stephanie sleeps outside in the rain. Dumbass. The other tribemates wonder why she didn't join them in their hut, that they built without any help from her. Gee I wonder why too.

 

We are about eight hours into this crapfest and nothing has happened.

 

Nothing continues back at Chewey Gone, as the porn star sings. Monkeys seem to enjoy the singing. Or maybe it was Jan up in a tree. Of course monkeys also enjoy playing with their own feces so there might be a link there. Someone courageous has married Helen, she tearfully reports as she sips her coconut juice breakfast drink. (Was it just me or was there a smoothie machine in the background?) Twenty years ago today. Lucky guy. He must be destitute without her constant humor now.

 

Clay obviously doesn't get her special brand of humor, and reports that nobody likes Helen, as she is too serious. Clay, whom you might remember better as Cowboy from Full Metal Jacket, seems to have left the better part of himself back in 'Nam. Or at least most of his lower torso. Seriously the guy looks like a jockey from the camera angle. Any moment now I am expecting him to look up into the sky and announce the arrival of "Dee plane!"

 

The tree mail arrives, and we go to the first challenge. The winner gets another lantern and another fishing net. Fishing? These people are having crab and shellfish smorgasboards every night. And who has time for fishing? If these guys don't get their handicaps down below 10 before the show is over, everyone at the club will be so disappointed.

 

The challenge involves carrying two tribe members around a course on a litter while blindfolded. You may remember this exact challenge from every other show. Jed appears to be having some trouble making the U-Turn on the course. He seems to be swerving around the course a bit as well. Maybe he dipped into the Thai Juice a little early this year. Anyway, in what is surely further proof that old people are slow, Suck Jay wins.

 

That night Chewey Gone celebrates Helen's twentieth anniversary by presenting her with a flower tiara and a lei. But she does not cry, instead she goes into her second set of killer material. She says this will make it harder to vote someone off. Not shoot them in the back of the head as a part of a murder suicide, mind you, but vote them off. The next morning, the typical 20 foot walk for food is obviated by the fact that a multitude of squid has washed up on the beach in front of Chewey Gone's cave. After a light saute, they dig in. Mmm undercooked beach squid. Sounds fantastic.

 

On to the immunity challenge, which is another physical event involving swimming and putting together a large puzzle. I wonder who will win? The lone entertaining moment comes when Erin falls violently off the raft spurring a dramatic facial reaction from Jeff. You could almost see him think "Ouch, I was gonna tap that ass!" as he winced. Poor Jeff. Sook Jai wins again. Hurrah.

 

On to the Tribal Council, where all agree that this year's show is the worst thing on television and they hope no one watches. Actually no, but instead they all talk about how low morale is now that they have find more wild parsley for the Oyster Rockefeller they are planning for dinner. Helen says the reason she didn't cry at her anniversary party was that her co-workers, Green Berets, would have "lashed" her if she had cried. Lashings now? Stop it. Hoo ho. Soo funny. Tanya reveals that camp life was harder than she thought it would be. Yeah that last par 5 golf hole looked like it had a wicked dog leg left. Tough shot to make.

 

In a pity vote Tanya gets kicked out. Yawn.

 

On a good note it looks like next week will at least be less mind-numbing. Sex, innuendo, arguments. But no lesbian, three-way snake wrestling! Burnett, you are slipping.

 

Epilogue: CSI follows the show and now becomes eminently more interesting, due to Real World: Las Vegas.

But alas the victim this week as revealed in the first 5 minutes is not one of the media sluts at the Palms. Oh well, there's always next week. Come on Trashelle! I've got you in the Dead Pool.