The TDT Survivor: Africa Episode Recaps

Episode

Recap

Episode 3:
The Kids Are All Rats.
Hmm, must have been changed in editing. Looks like it was really called:
"The Gods Are Angry"

Days 7-9 = July 17-19, 2001
Aired: October 25, 2001

Lindsey Richter, quickly replacing Tonya Harding as Oregon's Favorite Daughter, briefly stops whining to cry for a while.

   This week we learn a painful lesson that should have been obvious a while ago: Mark Burnett believes in the paranormal, and is willing to re-shoot "reality" TV scenes to thump his beliefs down our throats. This is his reality, dammit! He also reveals that he is willing to forego standard storytelling techniques, such as plot and character development, in order to "shock ya" by revealing something that, had you had access to certain details previously, might make sense. This is not unlike a murder mystery, in which, in the dramatic final scene, the detective reveals the real killer was... some wandering vagrant who hadn't been introduced in the previous 450 pages. Betcha didn't see that coming, didja? But we digress. Getting back to the show, not surprisingly, this week, the show begins by revealing... (dramatic, spooky music-filled pause)... the Survivors have... mosquito nets. Yep, that's right, mosquito nets. Pay attention, there will be a test later.
    We start with scary, scary animals. They growl, or at least wheeze a lot. They have shiny blue eyes when shot with nightvision cameras. The incredible danger inherent in this situation was driven home earlier in the day, when CBS paid former star Jeff Varner good money to mug for the Early Show cameras. It was an insightful, spine-tingling piece, in which Varner revealed that dangerous African animals also live... in a park in New Jersey! Where you can drive right through, and even run over some if you're in a hurry and driving an SUV! But you can't get out of your car, unless you're a brave ex-contestant from Survivor, whose acting expertise made him seem as smooth in front of the cameras as, well, a former web designer with tousled hair and a weak script. But where were we? Oh yeah, the scary pair of athsmatic lions. The Borans wake up, crawl out of their mosquito nets that magically appeared in episode 3 (we hear in episode 12 it's revealed there was a McDonalds a half mile away... with a Playland that has a ball pit, no less, where the youngsters on Samburu had loads of fun), ring some bells, and they go away. Big whoop. The next day, they figure out that maybe, just maybe, all that time yelling at Clarence might have been better spent actually building a fence around their campsite.
    Meanwhile, back at Samburu, KimP, Lindsey, Silas and Brandon, hereafter referred to as the "All Rats" (they were the Mall Rats, but they decided to keep the M for themselves, because it reminded them of Mickey Mouse, and hey, screw you for asking, it's our M, dammit, and we're going to keep it), are sleeping in. The old people - Carl (whom the editors allow to visibly be called "Doc" in this episode, so that you can understand the ballots at the end), Frank, Linda and Teresa - decide, like they always do, to do some boring work that will help the tribe live to see the next day, like tending the fire and fetching water to boil. "Water is important, you know," the Moldy Oldies say, in that tiresome way they have. The All Rats decide this is boring, and sounds too much like work. Once the old farts hike away, Brandon springs to life, and shocks everyone by moving more than three inches from the shelter. Okay, technically it was about five inches, but it's a start. The All Rats decide that, yippee, the old bastards are gone, let's eat their food! And a good time is had by all.
    Except, of course, for the Elders, who start to suspect that their concrete-solid alliance with Silas might just be a little iffy, when they return to camp to see the All Rats flashing gang signs and giving each other matching tattoos that say "Kill the Old Farts." Carl whispers to Teresa in a reassuring manner, "Don't worry, I think he'll still vote with us," after Silas beats the crap out of him with a stick, and steals the money Carl had concealed in his underwear. Lindsey scoffs, "Ah, you don't need it, Fatty."
    We suddenly switch back to Boran, where everyone is positively giddy that they get to compete in a new challenge. "Hooray," they proclaim, "Let's go for a four-peat!" In a true test of Survival skills, it is revealed that the Reward Challenge will involve rolling large, boulder-shaped pieces of styrofoam, painted a convincing rock-like yellow or red by Disney Imagineers, around a twisty, turny course. The reward is water, which Boran looks at, dreaming of the day they don't need Clarence around to carry it. The younger half of Samburu says, "Enough with the water, already! We're too tired to help you get it, and if you ask again, we're gonna put a cap in your ass!" Surprisingly, Brandon volunteers not to help, as does KimP. The challenge begins, and within seconds, Boran has an insurmountable lead, after getting Kelly to lie in the path of the Samburu ball. She later "helps" by running near the ball and yelling at it. Still, Samburu seems to have a chance, except Jeff Probst keeps standing in their way, then forcing them to go back and follow the actual path. With visions of multimillion-dollar Stacey Stillman dancing in their heads, Samburu decides to keep quiet about the Human Obstacle, and keep going, even though Boran won several hours ago. Eventually, they finish, as Boran celebrates, with Lex and Ethan leaping into each other's arms and grabbing each other's rear ends, as professional athletes are prone to do. Boran gets their water, and, in a revealing moment, decide, that yes, water is good.
    Mark Burnett now decides that it's time for some heavy-duty foreshadowing, and trucks in an industrial-strength hair dryer to knock over the immunity idol in the Samburu camp. He then places it back up, and films it lustily, to make it appear that the cameramen knew all along the idol was going to fall. See, Mark is in touch with the paranormal world. Later, the napping Samburu youngsters crawl out of their brand-spanking new mosquito nets (!), and read the day's tree mail about the immunity challenge: design an SOS signal. Which, of course, was interesting when it appeared in the first, much more popular, Survivor series (we hear that in "The Twist" episode, the current cast is replaced by the original, much more popular, Survivor castaways).   The All Rats make it damn clear they are not willing to move far from camp, especially if there's bugs out there, so if they have to do this boring immunity thing, they'd better not have to make anything new. Frank shows them who's boss by ordering them to do exactly what they were planning, dadgum it. Lindsey helps SEG productions enter into a lawsuit with the Kenyan government by destroying protected Shaba National Reserve flora with her impressive kung fu fighting skills. Then she lays down and cries a lot. KimP decides it's a good time to rest, too, as well as to yell at Evil, Spooky, Ghost-Talking Linda for trying to lend a helping hand.
     Over at Boran, things are getting goofy, apparently because someone (we're not naming any names, Lex) discovered that the first aid kit contained about forty blotters of top-quality acid (for emergency purposes only, of course), and slipped it into the water cooler while nobody was looking. All of a sudden, MamaKim is breaking out the paints, everybody's stripping, and Tom is going into some sort of convulsion, screaming incoherently (not that this is necessarily a sign of intoxication), with a feather sticking out of his butt crack. MamaKim says, "whoa, I'll bet these new mosquito nets we just got would look pretty trippy if we painted them, man." Soon, the Borans are near naked, carrying shiny objects, and dancing around a dry lake bed, staring at reams of tie-dyed cloth. Jeff Probst flies over and says, "Dude, is that Burning Man down there? Give 'em some parachutes to play with." Samburu sees the parachute drop, and swears it's coming right for their skillfully camouflaged distress signal. "Sit tight, everyone," Carl says hopefully. Hours pass, crickets chirp, lions wheeze. "It's not over yet," hopeful Carl maintains.
    Now it's tribal council day, and the tribe discusses who they're going to vote off. Strangely, they're still wearing the clothes they wore the previous day, and different clothes than they are wearing later that day when they go to TC. But hey, this is Mark Burnett's show, and if he says it's reality, then dammit, it must be. They troop off to the circle of fire, and are told what their torches are for - shockingly, "fire represents life," even though the previous fifty minutes have implied that this role was played by water. In a nail-biting vote, the two, evenly-matched, deeply-divided factions end up with... (dramatic pause, more spooky music featuring an Australian didgeridoo, despite being in Africa - hey, quit asking questions, this is Mark Burnett's reality, dammit)... a tie. They revote, and in a stunning conclusion, as Jeffy pulls the last, crucial vote from the box, its... (another dramatic pause)... still a tie. Shocking! Absolutely shocking!
    Next they resort to "Sudden Death Trivia," in which it's revealed: most dentists went to dental school because they weren't particularly adept at taking the multiple choice tests required for med school admission. Nor did dental school cover basic first aid.   After three questions, it's tied, and Jeff quickly consults with the production team on the fourth question, which dealt with some obscure maker of magnetic insoles. After confirming that, no, this company had not paid for product placement, and that the New Colby had switched his allegiance to the side that would probably miss that question, the Probster settles on one that is more fair for someone who spends time outdoors in the Pacific Northwest. Amazingly, Lindsey guesses right, and Carl gets snuffed. Linda throws in some more "spiritual" nonsense, and the All Rats decide that, well, camp is far, and you old farts had better carry us back. Crickets chirp, lions wheeze, and hopeful Carl looks back at his departing tribesmates, and says "I think that might be the plane coming back now... and hey, is that a parachute?... guys?...."

Bonus coverage! It's... Cranky Andy's Bullet-riddled Analysis!

. Linda is just begging to be voted off next. Hey Linda, the spirit mother of Africa wants you the hell out of her continent, don't let the spirit door hit your spirit ass on the way out.

. People still never seem to learn the lessons of seasons past. If you ask anyone else to do some work, you will get kicked out. It doesn't matter that you are asking them to get water so they will live.

. As a member of Generation X, I officially take offense at Carl's comments. Every generation has been filled with lazy, good-for-nothing, spoiled brats. We just take pride in it.

. Linda's spirit crap is making me glad I never went to Harvard. Do they actually teach this stuff? She is the assistant director of career services at Harvard. I can just see the counseling session:
Linda: Ok, what is your major?
Student: English Literature, with a minor in minority disadvantaged
multi-generational women's studies.
Linda: Ok me girl, now ya know dat Miss Linda will be speaking wit da spirits about da future doncha know. Let me get out me cards. Iree Iree. De four of cups! Miss Linda say dat you will be a sweater salesperson at Dillards. And dump dat no good boyfriend of your's girl. He's no good for ya child."

. I wonder if Silas had ever heard the words "Let's use Silas' idea" in his life before the challenge. I'm guessing he won't be hearing them again.

. Great idea for Samburu to struggle mightily to move trees into a different position to signal someone from the sky. Whatever you do, don't move those bright white mosquito nets though, that would be too difficult, and no one would see that any way.

. Lesson learned for Episode 3: Never trust a still image of old ass. When seen in wrinkly jiggly movement, the truth is revealed.

. Boran may have got the water in the challenge but if they can't use their mosquito nets any more, they are not going to be able to sleep very well.

. Quick True or False: Neither of you idiots actually read the Africa Survivor Guide, did you?

. Great explanation for the friendship necklaces, KimP. I think what you meant to say was everyone in Samburu was friends, but those with necklaces were the type of friends who would never vote each other off. Oh, and wearing those necklaces to challenges is brilliant too. Wouldn't want to keep those alliances secret would you? Nah, that would be stupid.

. These kids are so stupid it actually worked to their advantage. Frank would have known the answers to those qustions from personal experience, and Linda would have gotten the answers from her spirit mother. Teresa is just along for the ride (very smart). Carl is a little too smug to have read the book. Of course, of all the people on the team, he is likely the one you want on the challenges the most, so why they picked him over Linda I have no idea.

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Episode 2:
Brave New Hurl
No, that's not it...
"Who's Zooming Whom?"

Days 4-6 = July 14-16, 2001
Aired: October 18, 2001

Tom raises a blood-filled glass to his lips, in a desperate attempt to conceal a yawn.

    Did anything actually happen in this episode? We must have blinked. There seemed to be a lot of talking, and tension, and drama. But that was in Samburu, who were shown because, well, we're not sure why. In between winning both challenges, Silas writes a completely original play called "Romeo and Juliet," casting himself as both leads, two star-crossed almost-teen actors deeply in love with each other, yet torn between the families who claim them as their own. To the right, the gray-haired Montyburns family, whose aged members grouse continuously about the slackitude of "those teenagers over there. Silas, say you won't associate with their kind," the Montyburnses implore our hero. On the left, the Crapulet family, three youngsters who feel entitled to sit around and bitch and sigh about bossy Colonel Frank. "Did we just see you talking to one of those old farts, Silas? Pray, let it never happen again!" Tamponia Crapulet commands. Torn, Silas, and his lover Silas, are doomed to an inescapable tragic end, as they go off by themselves, and.... oh wait, they won immunity again, so this was all meaningless. Still, Silas, the brilliant auteur of this tragicomedy, is convinced that no person on earth has ever thought of such a brilliant concept, and is deeply enamored with his spectacular script. "Nobody is ever going to be able to tell I'm acting," he says, looking rakishly, deep, deep into the camera.
    Hmmm, now that we think about it, there was some other stuff that happened. In a shocking revelation, we learn that Clarence was nervous about going to tribal council after the bean incident. Who knew? After killing twenty minutes, slowly, delicately revealing this compelling piece of insider information (you can see two more hours of it if you pay $20 to CBS) - apparently included to assist all those who were finding out who knocked up Rachel last week - there is a brief but unremarkable reward challenge, in which all of Samburu's Christmas wishes are granted. This week, Mama Kim gets to be The Boran Who Falls Down A Lot, after rochambeauing Ethan for the honor.
    Meanwhile, back at Samburu, we finally get to see Carl and Frank in action, and quickly learn that both are completely insane. Carl is convinced that, not only is Silas absolutely, positively going to help vote off Lindsey and Brandon, he's also interested in buying some magnetic insoles and some dietary supplements. Frank, oozing the smooth, subtle charm of the loud, ranting homeless guy on the corner, spends a lot of time screaming at the top of his lungs about cement and dams, and how much he hates that bitch Lindsey, who is standing two feet away. But this is just between us, right Silas, old pal? Linda and Teresa help build a shelter, while Brandon makes a little fort, consisting entirely of his body, two sticks, and the log he's sitting on. Lindsey pouts a lot, and KimP gets to play the Samburu Not Appearing In This Episode.
    More big, shocking, amazing surprises await at Camp Boran. They don't trust each other! Who knew? Everyone seems to be in alliance with everyone else, but is paranoid about all those other guys. Except Jessie, who bravely vomits until her lips peel off, then refuses to replenish her bodily fluids with the freshly-boiled water, because it's, well, in strict medical terms, "icky." Ethan rolls his eyes a lot. Clarence, desperate to move the subject away from beans, spends two hours in his confessional regaling the cameramen with fascinating stories about the importance of water. This week, the character of "Tom" has been cut-and-pasted from an old John Wayne movie, but Mark Burnett had the audio spliced in backwards, so as to avoid any copyright infringement lawsuits.
    But the biggest, shockingest, amazingest, suprisingest surprise is still to come. That's right, it's the predictable revolting diet challenge for immunity, which for added suspense, has been shown twice an hour in commercials for the last week, written up in US weekly, and for good measure, given an hour-long preview on the Early Show. For the two people hiding in a cave in Afghanistan who did not know this ahead of time: they drink blood. And they like it. This of course took several takes, because Mark Burnett kept running onto the set yelling, "Cut! Cut! You're supposed to recoil at this, people! What the hell is wrong with you? You're not allowed to have fun here! This is Survivor! You're supposed to suffer!" Nonetheless, it all comes down to a drink-off (shocking!) and someone wins. Fortunately for Boran, that person is Linda, giving them an excellent opportunity to take a nighttime stroll with their torches.
     In a remarkable turn of events, Boran finds itself once again voting off the woman who was sick. This is, of course, news to Jessie, who has fully recovered. For this segment, the character of Tom is spliced in from a previous episode, the one in which he voted for Carl Bilancione. Clarence vows to spend at least four hours tomorrow telling the cameramen how much he loves water, what its molecular formula is, and other useful forms of water, such as ice. Viewers around the world gnash their teeth, lamenting the fact that there is only thirteen hours, plus a recap episode, of this sterling entertainment product left, unless they fork over twenty bucks to CBS.

Bonus coverage! It's... Cranky Andy's Bullet-riddled Analysis!

. I think Tom keeps voting for Clarence for two reasons:
(1) Clarence is the only name he can remember
(2) Thanks to the availability of initials, Clarence's is the only name he can spell.

. Tom stated that he voted for Clarence to remind him of his transgressions. Hello Tom, you only talked about it two minutes ago. I think he knows.

. Frank keeps a secret about as well as a hair dresser. Telephone, Telegram, Tell-a-Frank. I guess when you are locked away in your cabin preparing for Ruby Ridge II, it doesn't matter how loud you talk.

. Teresa is no Tina. Note to Teresa: When someone asks you if you are in an alliance that does not involve them, you say no!

. Carl gets the award for the first person to trot out the "They knew what they signed up for when they came here and so I am lying to them all" speech. Way to go, Carl! Welcome to the world of Jeff Varner and Richard Hatch.

. Silas is about as smart as a bag of hammers. Hey Silas, what is better, to be the leader of a group of chumps who would never vote you out, or to be the token muscle in a group of wily vets who will vote you out in their first chance? Never mind, just smile and look pretty for the cameras.

. Kim P. rocks. She is smart and athletic and durable and quiet. She is so gone after the merger.

. If the trend of kicking off Boran members continues, they are going to have all the food they need. Have another can of beans, Clarence!

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Episode 1:
The Phantom Menace
Er, wait...
"Question of Trust"

Days 1-3 = July 11-13, 2001
Aired: October 11, 2001

Boran, doin' what they do best.

    Mark Burnett promised the first three minutes of this show would be edge-of-your-seat exciting, and boy, did he ever deliver. First there was the ever-so-slightly altered Survivor theme song, now stretched out for added annoyance. Coupled with this was the fascinating visual imagery of sixteen pampered, overfed Americans riding in a truck emblazoned with the show's title, as it moves past native Kenyans, specially bedecked in traditional tribal garb for the benefit of the ubiquitous TV cameras. And, in the long-awaited foreshadowing of the show's "explosive dynamics," hordes of hungry-looking village children raced out after the truck, begging for food, trinkets, anything. The truck responded by kicking up a cloud of dust in their faces. Host Jeff Probst yelled out to the worried contestants, "Never fear, our driver has a machine gun!" Without further ado, the Survivors proceeded to the Shaba National Reserve, which had been "virtually untouched by humans," except, of course, for the massive production camp containing water purification and sanitation systems, an internet cafe, and legions of reporters and camera operators from entertainment news shows.
     Upon arrival, the gun-toting driver orders everyone off the truck, quickly, because he's in a rush to get home and spend the next six weeks not getting paid to drive tourists through the park, thanks to CBS shutting down Shaba for "security" reasons. The tribes split up, and begin the long trek to their respective camps. The Boran tribe, wearing a festive yellow, quickly starts bickering. Diane, apparently intent on proving that the U.S. Postal Service is in fact speedy and reliable, grabs the map, and swiftly sprints off out of visual range of her tribesmates. Sadly, in doing so, Diane expends all of her energy in the first three minutes, and spends the rest of the next two-and-a-half days lying around. Ethan, who built up massive arm strength kicking soccer balls and jumping around to prevent them from going into the net, responds by throwing down the supplies he's carrying. The tribe quickly decides that, since they can't drink the local water, they should dump out two-thirds of the free, drinkable water the show gave them. They look to Kelly, who Mark Burnett describes as "off the charts" in intelligence, despite a merely above-average 1520 SAT score, and she agrees this is an excellent idea. Meanwhile, Samburu, clad in red scarves that Brandon somehow finds a way to make look pink, scampers along to their campsite, chattering like a squadron of rabid chipmunks.
    After reaching their camps, the two tribes are faced with three tasks: (1) rebuild the thorny fence around the camp, to cause lions wandering through to get stickers in their fur; (2) find the water conveniently shown on their maps, and (3) boil the water over a fire. Both tribes remarkably accomplish the first two objectives with seeming competence, although not without extensive bitching and moaning about not just having the water conveniently packaged in clean, disposable plastic bottles. Then both tribes proceed to further demonstrate that, despite the fairy tales told by the Boy Scouts, Americans are genetically incapable of starting a fire by rubbing two sticks together. But all is not lost.
    Spurred on by the extensive complaints of their teammate, Tamponia Richter, Samburu rifles through their first aid kit, looking for a muzzle. Unfortunately, all they find is a telescope, but they use this to start a fire. Having completed the planning part of the project, KimP nobly steps aside, and allows Silas to do the actual work. Suddenly, a crisis emerges. As smoke begins to rise from the tinder, KimP frantically warns Silas, "Don't inhale the smoke! We don't want you passing out like that Skupin guy, and falling face-first into that slightly-warmed pile of dried elephant dung!" Thankfully, KimP's quick actions avert certain tragedy, flames billow from the burning dung, and Samburu all take the hits of ecstasy Linda found in the first aid kit, and commence dancing around and hugging each other. Lucky for them, because now it's time for the immunity challenge, where they win fire anyway. More dancing around, chattering, and hugging ensues.
    Meanwhile, back at Boran, things are not looking good. Because Lex is developing a blister, the tribe decides to just give up trying to build a fire, and instead just sit around the campsite, mistrusting each other. Mark Burnett seizes upon this opportunity to revisit his favorite theme, "The guy with the dark skin just can't be trusted." Passing around a can of delicious cherries, the Borans decide that, even though the first people in the circle are going to end up eating more than the last people, Clarence is an evil, selfish troublemaker, because he took two (despite weighing more than twice as much as Kelly, who weaseled her way into the head of the line). Everyone decides to sneak off to the water hole, and talk about Clarence behind his back. They leave Clarence behind to watch Diane, who, despite her claims that her job has given her lots of experience walking fast while carrying heavy loads, collapsed at the challenge. Everyone agrees that, damnit, they just can't trust Clarence, and that they had better hustle back to camp before he eats all their food. But first they pause to enjoy the delightful antics of singing Tom, who we suspect may actually be a CG character like Jar-Jar Binks, or may perhaps have been digitally spliced in from an old episode of "Hee Haw".
    Tom provides the insight that, from the smell, they could tell Clarence had been eatin' some beans. Being the brilliant tacticians they are, instead of forcing Clarence to squat over the fire while they rub sticks together, Boran decides to just spend the rest of the day yelling at him. Especially Tom, whom we now suspect may have been digitally spliced in from an old episode of "Sally Jessy Raphael." Then they're off to tribal council, where, despite the last 15 minutes of misdirection due to Mark Burnett's editing, they near-unanimously vote off Diane.

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