How to start your own nu metal band

How to start your own nu metal band
Our handy, step-by-step guide to fleeting, middling stardom

By Shaka Kahler
True Dork Times Heavy Music Editor

Editor's note: Yes, we all look back wistfully to the halcyon days of the mid-eighties, when being a hard rockin' band gave you a seemingly limitless array of avenues through which to express your deep-yet-macho artistic thoughts. You could be either a spandex-sporting hair metal band, like Poison and Bon Jovi, or a leather-clad, Satan-worshiping, heavy metal band, like Iron Maiden or Judas Priest. So many options! But wait, all hope is not lost! Today, we are seeing a resurgence of the fertile creative environment that nurtured these storied master musicians. Yes, that's right, now there's nu metal. Today, if you're white, male and goateed, you have what it takes to be a star! Simply follow our easy guide, and you're there.

Step One: Perfect your look

    This is what separates the stars from the also-rans. You need a look that's distinctive, yet nearly identical to all other nu metal bands. Kids have to instantly recognize you as cool, yet not mistake you for, say, Papa Roach (unless you want that, of course). At right, we've listed a few things you ought to consider. Required appearance features:
- A goatee. Can you have a band without one?
- An "aggressive" hairstyle, meaning: spiked, dreads, or shaved off. Coloring not recommended.
Options:
- Dark clothes are a must. Do we really need to say this? We're not shooting a Wham! video here.
- For bonus points, dress in identical outfits, and wear masks/ makeup. You will be hailed as "innovative," even though Mr. Bungle did it 10 years ago, and KISS did it two decades before that.

Slipknot's daring, daring look.

Step Two: Decide on visuals for your video

    If you want to make it big, this is the next most important decision you'll have to make. The first few seconds need to instantly alert your target audience that they're going to see a nu metal video, otherwise they're likely to flip back to the scrambled feed from Spice. We recommend a dark set, with lots of smoke, chains, and spooky lights, possibly strobes.
     You absolutely must choose one of the following settings: (1) A mental hospital; (2) a surgical hospital; (3) a prison; (4) a school (but a dark, spooky one with lots of chains); or (5) some place on fire.

Junkyards: also good. Performance tips:
- It's absolutely necessary that you appear menacing. Try scowling into a mirror for a few hours. After a while, it all becomes muscle memory.
- No matter what instrument you play, never underestimate the importance of staring down at your instrument, and shaking your head in rhythm with the music. This effect is enhanced if you chose the "dreads" hair option. Jumping up and down is also encouraged.

Step Three: Pick a name

Proving the rule: If your name sucks, misspell it     You can't very well rise to stardom with a name like Happy George and the Swell Kids, now can you? There are two important considerations here: (1) Sounding dark and brooding, and (2) showing your style and rebelliousness by (intentionally) misspelling your name. If you do (1) well, you can skip step 2. Bonus points for both.
    We suggest short, one-word names with as few syllables as possible. Let's face it, your target audience are not the brightest bulbs on the tree, and they'll be lucky to remember your name if it's on the shirt they're wearing. Keep it simple.
To misspell or not to misspell?
- That is the question. Better safe than sorry, usually. Unless you have a kick-ass one- or two-syllable name that is very ominous-sounding, we strongly endorse going with the misspelling.
- If you're really in doubt, go with as many misspellings as possible.

Step Four: Pick a musical style

    Here, you're loaded with options. You can choose from:
(1) Sounding exactly like Korn, or
(2) Sounding exactly like Alice in Chains.
    We strongly recommend against trying to mix and match these styles. If you're not careful, you'll end up sounding like Limp Bizkit, and nobody wants that. (Actually, we're being unnecessarily cruel here - Limp Bizkit has about 20 different "styles," all of which suck equally).

Linkin Park has selected option #1. A wise choice. Recommended song structures:
- Quiet verse, loud chorus. Makes you appear alternately sensitive, then angry. Always scores well with the ladies.
- Loud verse, loud chorus. Recommended for beginning groups. Makes you sound "hard." Teenage boys will consider you a god.
- Note: the chorus must always be loud, preferably yelled.

Step Five: Write songs, or don't

    Now that you've decided on a style and structure for your songs, the rest is fairly easy. Simply take a Korn, Alice in Chains or Helmet song, rearrange a few chords here and there, and: Presto! New song!
    To avoid messy legal problems, you may want to alter the words a tad, although you can make them less intelligible in post-production. Simply choose a few from this handy list, and you're set: "Pain", "burn", "dirt", "feel", "gouge", "fear", "skin", "cut", "flesh", "scars", "deep", "inside". For a title, just pick one of the leftover words.
No talent? No problem!
    Another option, which is rapidly gaining popularity, is not to pin your hopes of stardom on your own song (re-)writing talent, or lack thereof. Why go to all that work when you can just do a "hard" version of a cheesy eighties pop song?
    This method has worked for the likes of Limp Bizkit and Alien Ant Farm, so why not you? The entire Lionel Richie discography awaits you.

If you can cover Michael Jackson, you can cover anything. Debbie Gibson, anyone?

Back to the True Dork Times

Step One: Perfect your look
This is what separates the stars from the also-rans. You need a look that's distinctive, yet nearly identical to all other nu metal bands. Kids have to instantly recognize you as cool, yet not mistake you for, say, Papa Roach (unless you want that, of course). At right, we've listed a few things you ought to consider.	Required appearance features: - A goatee. Can you have a band without one? - An "aggressive" hairstyle, meaning: spiked, dreads, or shaved off. Coloring not recommended. Options: - Dark clothes are a must. Do we really need to say this? We're not shooting a Wham! video here. - For bonus points, dress in identical outfits, and wear masks/ makeup. You will be hailed as "innovative," even though Mr. Bungle did it 10 years ago, and KISS did it two decades before that.	Slipknot's daring, daring look.
Step Two: Decide on visuals for your video
If you want to make it big, this is the next most important decision you'll have to make. The first few seconds need to instantly alert your target audience that they're going to see a nu metal video, otherwise they're likely to flip back to the scrambled feed from Spice. We recommend a dark set, with lots of smoke, chains, and spooky lights, possibly strobes. You absolutely must choose one of the following settings: (1) A mental hospital; (2) a surgical hospital; (3) a prison; (4) a school (but a dark, spooky one with lots of chains); or (5) some place on fire.	Junkyards: also good.	Performance tips: - It's absolutely necessary that you appear menacing. Try scowling into a mirror for a few hours. After a while, it all becomes muscle memory. - No matter what instrument you play, never underestimate the importance of staring down at your instrument, and shaking your head in rhythm with the music. This effect is enhanced if you chose the "dreads" hair option. Jumping up and down is also encouraged.
Step Three: Pick a name
Proving the rule: If your name sucks, misspell it	You can't very well rise to stardom with a name like Happy George and the Swell Kids, now can you? There are two important considerations here: (1) Sounding dark and brooding, and (2) showing your style and rebelliousness by (intentionally) misspelling your name. If you do (1) well, you can skip step 2. Bonus points for both. We suggest short, one-word names with as few syllables as possible. Let's face it, your target audience are not the brightest bulbs on the tree, and they'll be lucky to remember your name if it's on the shirt they're wearing. Keep it simple.	To misspell or not to misspell? - That is the question. Better safe than sorry, usually. Unless you have a kick-ass one- or two-syllable name that is very ominous-sounding, we strongly endorse going with the misspelling. - If you're really in doubt, go with as many misspellings as possible.
Step Four: Pick a musical style
Here, you're loaded with options. You can choose from: (1) Sounding exactly like Korn, or (2) Sounding exactly like Alice in Chains. We strongly recommend against trying to mix and match these styles. If you're not careful, you'll end up sounding like Limp Bizkit, and nobody wants that. (Actually, we're being unnecessarily cruel here - Limp Bizkit has about 20 different "styles," all of which suck equally).	Linkin Park has selected option #1. A wise choice.	Recommended song structures: - Quiet verse, loud chorus. Makes you appear alternately sensitive, then angry. Always scores well with the ladies. - Loud verse, loud chorus. Recommended for beginning groups. Makes you sound "hard." Teenage boys will consider you a god. - Note: the chorus must always be loud, preferably yelled.
Step Five: Write songs, or don't
Now that you've decided on a style and structure for your songs, the rest is fairly easy. Simply take a Korn, Alice in Chains or Helmet song, rearrange a few chords here and there, and: Presto! New song! To avoid messy legal problems, you may want to alter the words a tad, although you can make them less intelligible in post-production. Simply choose a few from this handy list, and you're set: "Pain", "burn", "dirt", "feel", "gouge", "fear", "skin", "cut", "flesh", "scars", "deep", "inside". For a title, just pick one of the leftover words.	No talent? No problem! Another option, which is rapidly gaining popularity, is not to pin your hopes of stardom on your own song (re-)writing talent, or lack thereof. Why go to all that work when you can just do a "hard" version of a cheesy eighties pop song? This method has worked for the likes of Limp Bizkit and Alien Ant Farm, so why not you? The entire Lionel Richie discography awaits you.	If you can cover Michael Jackson, you can cover anything. Debbie Gibson, anyone?