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Satanists
issue apology for June 6, 2006 lapses Organization admits it is falling 'way behind' in disseminating dire predictions By Lucy Furr
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| BURBANK,
California (AGB) Satanists issued a broad apology today for falling
behind on their Doomsday predictions for June 6, 2006, a date that will
be written as 6/6/6 on many calendars. Satanist leader, Evil Lord
Scott Williams, issued the apology amid rumors that the date had been
forgotten by Satanist goups altogether. "We know it's coming," stated Williams, "we just really got behind with the whole millenium prediction in 1999, the Pat Buchanan campaign in 2000, and of course, the stock market collapse." the Evil Lord states. "The downside of that last part, which we didn't really think through or see coming, was that our funding just dried up." In 2001, the Satanists' corporate front, Doomsday666.com, Inc., failed to garner a third round of venture capital investment. Due to this lack of finances, Evil Lord Scott Williams was forced to lay off his many of his "minions" and continue to build Satan's web presence on his own. "I bought Javascript for Dummies at a garage sale," Evil Lord Scott continued," but it just doesn't have all the extras that we need. Like a Doomsday Clock, giant Satan Head pop-up windows, and a way to link directly to Mr. Buchanan's large library of writings." Unfortunately, those interested in learning more about doomsday666.com will have to find their information elsewhere. Recently, the Satanists lost their domain name in a copyright dispute with Marvel Comics. "We are considering Satans-comin-in-666.com, or Doomsday667.com," Williams explained, "but our lawyers are still looking into it." Until that time, the Satanists will largely be relying on word of mouth, and the Catholic Church, to spread the news about the end of the world. As it stands now, the Satanists are by their own reckoning well behind on their preparations for their big day. They have only just begun to accept bids to host the 6/6/6 celebration/ end-of the world extravaganza. Currently, only Salt Lake City has submitted a bid. "They are way ahead of the game, thanks again to Mitt Romney and the whole Olympics organizational structure." Evil Lord Scott stated, "In some ways, I wish we could have more of that Mormon go-get-'em attitude throughout the rest of our organization." The Evil Lord stuck by his group, and warned people that even if the Satanists don't get the word out by June 6, 2006, the world will still definitely end on that date. "A 6/6/6 date only comes around every so often," he growled, "and by the time it arrives you will know the end has come!" The Evil Lord concluded by stating that, "even if we don't get our act together in time this century, we will be definitely be ready by 2106." |
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