Oh great. First we have to humor Cranky Andy by airing his gripes, and now along comes this Jittery Jeff copycat.  Where will it end?  On the plus side, this guy does not seem compelled to list things in groups of ten.  This is a good thing, because most of the ones he does include aren't all that funny.  Plus it helps avoid pesky lawsuits.

Today, be warned!  Jittery Jeff has the following lists for you:

Coolest thing to say to British royalty
Top rejected True Dork Times mottos
Surefire marketing phrases to separate gullible idiots from their money
Things you're unlikely to hear on the next Iron Chef
Unlikely Hollywood blockbusters for Summer, 2002
Problems with listening to NPR all day
Funniest moment during Survivor 2
 
 

1.  "You've just shot an ibis, you fat wanker!"

1.  "Never been slashdotted, never will"

2.  "Our news may not be true, but you're still a dork" (actually used in first issue).

3.  "More bitter and tear-inducing than that other fake news e-zine"

4.  "All the nudes that fit, we print"

5.  "Slightly more legible than a million monkeys with a million typewriters"

6.  "We make USA Today look like the New Yorker"

7.  "Happy news by happy people, for happy people"

8.  "We jumped the shark in Issue 1"

9.  "Why yes, we did appoint ourselves the supreme arbiters of cool, why do you ask?"

1.  "Herbal"

2.  "All-natural"

3.  "Organic"

4.  "Fat-burning"

5.  "Free of genetically modified ingredients"

6.  "The power of magnets"

7.  "Blocks harmful cell phone radiation"

8.  "Energy boosting"

9.  "Money-back guarantee"

1.  "Chairman Kaga, did you know you're dressed like Michael Jackson?"

2. "Dude, that looks like, totally disgusting!"

3. "And on today's celebrity tasting panel, former U.S. President, George Bush!"

4. "For today's contest, I select Iron Chef Italian Hiroyuki Sakai"

5. "Today's challenger is an American chef who can't even cook rice... Keith Famie!"

6. "And the challenger has put forth only one dish, an unopened can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli-O's"

7. "Today's theme ingredient is: Count Chocula!"

8. "Today's challenger has achieved fame and fortune working the drive-thru window at a McDonald's in Sioux City, Iowa"

9. "Goddamnit, Ota!  Stop interrupting me!"
 

1.  "Jurassic Park 4: Cloning the dead people from Parts 1-3"

2.  "CHiPs 2002: Arresting the Band"

3.  "Three Hours with Blue Man Group"

4.  "The Animal: Part 2"

5.  "The Mummy 3: Hello, Strom Thurmond"

6.  "Sprockets" featuring Tim Meadows as Dieter

7.  Ben Affleck in "The Grenada Invasion", directed by Michael Bay, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer

8.  "Battlefield Earth: The Sequel"

9.  Disney's "Visiting Ronald McDonald" - not even trying to hide the marketing tie-ins any more

10. "Scooby Doo" (yes, we know this film is actually being made)

1. Thanks to lack of paid commercials, becoming critically unaware of the latest annoying McDonalds jingle.

2.  Urge to gnaw off own leg while being stuck with a full hour of the alleged humor of "Whad'ya Know?" with Michael Feldman.

3.  Frequently find yourself humming irritating "Fresh Air" theme, rather than irritating jingles, er "songs," like Smashmouth's "All Star."

4.  Waiting 167 hours for the next edition of "This American Life."

5.  Urge to move to New England, just to hear more people who sound like the "Car Talk" guys.

6.  Endless suspense, unaided by their web site, wondering if Bob Weston, production staff member of Chicago-based "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" is the same Bob Weston who plays bass for Chicago-based Shellac.

7.  Lingering suspicion that the Car Talk web site is considerably funnier than this one.

8.  Listening to barely-comprehensible British cricket and soccer players trot out endless tired athletic cliches on "BBC World Service" spoils the illusion that American baseball players do it as an homage to Bull Durham.
 

1.  "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" commercials for Walker, Texas Ranger, featuring senior citizen Chuck Norris, in black cowboy hat and trenchcoat, throwing phantom karate chops and kicks.  Sadly, aired only once.