By Dusty Rhodes
True Dork Times Automotive Editor

DETROIT (TDT).  A new battle for supremacy has emerged among the makers of sport utility vehicles (SUVs), with the brand-new, larger, even-more-expensive design of vehicle, known as the "galley" class.  All three of the first entries, including the Ford Exgalley, the Pontiac Conquistador, and the Chevy Trireme, feature a double-decker design, in which the lower level is occupied by up to ten galley slaves.

The rowers will each man an oar that extends out the side of the lower deck. The oars are connected to a complicated belt system providing additional power for the vehicle's electrical system, satellite radio receiver, on-board home theater and wireless internet hookup.  All three companies were quick to note that this could "potentially improve fuel economy" since it adds an additional, gasoline-free, power source.  "They also come in handy if you're driving long distances through deep water," a promotional pamphlet suggested.

Just being able to offer the special slave feature was a major coup for auto manufacturers.  The industry made substantial donations to both the Democratic and Republican parties, then convincingly lobbied for a partial repeal of the nation's anti-slavery laws, as long as the slaves were illegal immigrants captured by the INS. Lobbyists argued that these people are not technically citizens, and therefore are not covered by the Constitution.  In a power-brokered compromise involving a few more donations to each party, the GOP agreed to go along, as long as it got its wish to replace union factory workers with slaves. Democrats likewise demanded that farm workers and domestic help also be allowed to be unpaid.

Thanks to this hard work, the Exgalley will exclusively feature Chinese nationals, the Conquistador will boast actual Mayan descendants from Chiapas, Mexico and Guatemala, and the Trireme will employ Balkan refugees.

Consumers got their first glimpses of these behemoths at an auto show here in Detroit last weekend, and the initial response was one of sheer drooling, gape-jawed apoplexy.

"I filled 200 orders right here on the spot," beamed Chuck Wagner, a dealer at the show. "I couldn't even give my sales pitch in most cases! These things just sell themselves."

Of course, Wagner conceded, not all prospective buyers were completely without some hesitations.  "Might I actually have to... well, interact with the slaves?" one well-coiffed woman asked, glancing down nervously at her finely-tooled Pravda boots.

"Oh, heavens no!" Wagner assured the worried buyer, "You'll probably have to stop to refuel a couple of times each day - sixty gallon-tanks don't last forever, you know!  When you do, you'll notice that there's a food door right next to the gas cap. You can just slide the recommended food portion right on in, without ever having to make contact with anyone, er, 'ethnic'. There's tubes that take it right to each slave!  Completely hassle free! And we offer a full-replacement 10-year, 100,000-mile warranty on the slaves, so if you ever notice one's stopped, uh, 'working,' just stop by your dealer, and they'll have him replaced in a jiffy."

Industry analysts note that, because the indentured rowers subsist on a diet largely composed of water and rice (the sale of which will undoubtedly boom at gas station-based convenience stores), the new vehicles will also qualify for the government's new "alternative fuel" tax rebates.  "We think this will be a strong selling point," admitted a Ford spokesman. "Not only do you get a truck that looks cool, one that screams instant status, but the government gives you cash back for buying it!  Is this a great country, or what?"

Environmental watchdog groups note, however, that despite the claims that the rowers improve gas mileage by powering electrical systems, the net weight of the slaves, combined with the aerodynamic drag created by the paddles, could in fact significantly decrease fuel economy.  "The numbers they put on the stickers are sheer fantasy," charged a Sierra Club press release.  "As far as we can tell, they calculated the miles-per-gallon cost of the electronics, and subtracted that from the average mileage of other SUVs, without ever actually testing it."  All three makers vociferously dispute this claim.

Human-rights watchers have also decried the use of slaves.  But the manufacturers were quick to point out that the rowers don't have to do any work as long as the vehicle is not in use.  "And how much driving do SUV owners really do?" Wagner asked.  "It's not like they're going off-roading or anything.  As I see it, they get free food and a roof over their heads. A good, United States roof.  Isn't that the American dream?"