By Tab Lloyd
True Dork Times Yellow Journalism Editor

  NEW YORK, N.Y. (TDT)  Bowing to the concerns of the editorial and publishing staff of Discover magazine that accurate, balanced content was beginning to edge pseudoscience and irrational fear-mongering from the magazine's pages, parent company Disney has decided to spin off a subsidiary publication, Discover Lite.  The company vows the new monthly will be "completely free of science - we guarantee it."

Following its creation, current Discover editor-in-chief Stephen Petranek will depart to helm the new publication.  "I can't wait," he admitted, clearly relieved.  "There's been a lot of infighting at Discover between me and the writers.  They keep giving me articles that accurately portray scientific developments, and I've had to keep reminding them that at Discover, our goal is to instill fear in the public, and to portray scientists as evil, homicidal lunatics."

The internal tensions had become evident even to casual Discover readers, as the battle for supremacy coursed through the magazine's pages.  In one case, Petranek demanded he be given "equal time" in the magazine's pages, resulting in his monthly "Letter from Discover," in which he routinely championed the journal's inclusion of fluff pieces on pseudoscientific topics such as auras and developmental energy fields as "courageous journalism." Petranek also claimed that several snippy scribes were unimpressed with his extensive scientific background as editor-in-chief of This Old House magazine and the Miami Herald's Sunday magazine.

In other instances, Petranek ordered a thoughtful, straightforward piece on the economics and safety of genetically modified corn to be branded with the title "Don't eat again until you read this: How a genetically modified corn called StarLink that wasn't intended for humans got into your food supply."  Other articles were also given ominous-sounding titles and fear-inspiring cover blurbs.

Petranek also cited monthly letters from irate readers questioning the journal's scientific integrity as an incentive to move on.  "There's only so many times you can read the whiny complaints of pointy-headed nerds before it just gets tiring.  Stick two or three letters after a person's name and they think they're some sort of genius.  I mean, really, can't they figure out that I am the final arbiter of what is and isn't real science?"

Disney Publishing does not anticipate that Petranek will face such hostility from his staff at Discover Lite.  The company has handpicked a writing team that will better conform to the company's mission, from such sources as the Star and Weekly World News.

"At Disney, our business is magic," Disney CEO Michael Eisner told the press. "And scientific things that people don't understand are seen as magic.  So our goal with this new magazine is to keep people as ignorant as possible about scientific advances, thereby sustaining the magic.  Because this will keep the public in a happy, blissful state of awe and eternal bemusement, we view this as a public service.  But we'll still be charging six bucks an issue, because it will contain lots of glossy pictures."

Disney's own internal research predicts that Discover Lite will reach a rapidly expanding, largely untapped audience.  The popularity of TV shows such as "The X-Files" and "Touched by an Angel," and the rise of alternative medicine and dietary supplements have created a niche market for stories on the paranormal, aliens, unexplained phenomena, and a general suspicion of rational thinking.  "Plus, people are getting dumber, and learning less about science in school," pointed out Eisner, "Especially in the U.S."

"All in all," Petranek predicts, "Discover Lite should blow the door off the pseudoscience journalism industry.  We have Disney money backing us, and we already have several years' worth of material, since we can cover topics like "Ghosts: Could they be real?" where we come to the conclusion that you can't prove they're not.  We'll also be digging up long-debunked theories out of old history books, and trotting them out as 'truth' that has been covered up.  I mean, can anyone really show that the earth is not flat?"