By Kathy L'Iquepriste
True Dork Times Religion Editor

He is not alone.  Pope John Paul II's increasing age and fragility have cardinals throughout the Church quietly positioning themselves to be considered as his successor, should, Heaven forfend, he pass away.  A new papacy will mark a new era in Catholicism, and could bring with it the first African, or perhaps even the first American pope.

This is not lost on Trump.  "It's an open ballgame. I feel I've got as good a shot as anyone."  When informed that the Church generally chooses new popes from its existing circle of cardinals, Trump says, "That's not a problem.  Rules were made to be broken.  I could buy the Arizona Cardinals if it would help."

Another potential hurdle facing Trump's campaign is that he's not even, at least as far as anyone can discern, a Catholic.  "Yeah, but Jesus wasn't a Christian, either. What're you gonna do?   I'll give it my best effort, and let the chips fall where they may."

So what is it about the job that Trump finds so attractive?  "Basically, when I ran for President, it was all about power.  Leader of the free world, and all that.  But after thinking about it for a while, I realized nobody respects the President anymore, and his power's pretty limited.  Did you know you can't even declare war?  The pope, on the other hand - he can say anything he thinks of, and millions of people around the world will listen, and if they feel like it, obey.  Plus, you get to wear the pointy hat, and ride around in the Popemobile.  How cool is that?"

As for his campaign promises, Trump is keeping it simple.  "Oh, I could promise a lot of stuff: bringing back indulgences, tithes, and things like that. But I think the first thing the Vatican needs is showgirls.  How can you have all that ornate carved stuff, paintings and tapestries, and not have statuesque beauties running around half-naked?  And I think the Church would be in a lot better financial position if they'd just allow slots in the cathedrals.  People would make a lot more donations if they thought there was a slight chance of getting some back.  And why do they just have wine in the church?  Waitresses in short skirts serving free cocktails works a lot better for me."

Surely, some of his ideas may seem novel and extreme in as staid and history-laden an institution as the Catholic Church.  But Trump isn't worried.  "I've faced longer odds before, and I've always come out a winner.  When Indian casinos started to threaten my take, I joined them.  I can handle anything!  I mean, my God, I was married to Ivana for... some period of time.  And let me tell you, that was no picnic."

So, does that suggest a Pope Donald would rescind the Church's position against divorce?  "In a second!" Trump exclaims, emphatically.  "I mean, I'm all for this deprivation and living a saintly life stuff, but do you have to miserable while you're doing it?"

Assuredly, Donald Trump faces long odds in his quest for the papacy, but he swears this does not faze him.  "I'm a New Yorker.  If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere!  Even... where is the Vatican, again?  Italy?"