By Fran L. Frontierre
True Dork Times Entertainment Writer
HOLLYWOOD (TDT) The battle-weary Los Angeles Police Department threw
in the towel late last night, admitting defeat in their attempts to quell
rioting Star Trek fans who were laying siege to Paramount Studios.
LAPD spokesmen told the assembled press corps to keep their distance, and
hope the violent Trekkers would fight themselves to sleep.
According to police reports, the mayhem began yesterday afternoon, after a large throng of Trek fans began to assemble outside the Paramount gates, demanding information about the studio's upcoming series, which will replace the cancelled Star Trek: Voyager. Paramount has been tight-lipped about the upcoming production, which is as yet unnamed, and is currently being cast. The Trekker mob, replete with full Starfleet uniforms and battle regalia, waved signs demanding more information, sang Star Trek-based songs, and hurled Klingon epithets at passers-by.
One man, clad in a red, black and white officer's outfit featuring elaborate epaulettes, and referring to himself as Commodore Francis T. Wright, expressed his anger to reporters during a brief "shore leave", complaining exciteably, "I have two Trek conventions to attend in the next three months, and they haven't even released what the new uniforms will look like! What am I supposed to do, hack my way into their system? And what about the new ship design? We need to know these things. Apart from Lt. Commander Gondarra over there, we're not psychics!"
Speculation from the internet has provided multiple scenarios for the new show, but little substantive evidence. Los Angeles Times entertainment critic Howard Rosenberg suggests that it shouldn't be that difficult to figure out the basic plot elements, explaining, "Since the original series, all of the new shows have basically been rip-offs of other sixties' and seventies' TV shows: The Next Generation was blatant plagiarism of the original Star Trek; Deep Space Nine combined elements of Fantasy Island and the Love Boat; and Voyager was a remake of Gilligan's Island.
"What's left? I suspect the new series will probably either be a Roddenberry adaptation of the Brady Bunch, or, more likely, Scooby Doo - four cadets from the Star Fleet Academy fly around in a shuttle craft festooned with groovy flowers, solving mysteries. One of them is a pot-smoking slacker, who has hallucinatory hi-jinks with a loveable CG-generated dog-like alien. It's a simple process of elimination."
Around 3 pm, a Paramount spokesperson emerged from behind the studios gates, and delivered a short statement, to the effect of, "We're still casting the show! Go away! Oh, and the new show may feature a loveable, dog-like alien."
Unfortunately, these comments only served to further infuriate the crowd, which began to brandish numerous authentic-looking Klingon battle swords and home-made phasers. From what transpired, these were clearly not set on "stun".
A pitched battle erupted as several Trekkers surrounded and attacked the Paramount spokesperson, stealing her clipboard, which was hoisted aloft in triumph when it was discovered to contain a partially-finished script. "Victoy is ours!" rose a jubilant cry from the mob, followed by, "There's more of this inside!"
With that, the fans streamed through the gates, past a befuddled elderly guard, and began ransacking several studio buildings in the Paramount complex. By the time LAPD arrived, the lot was a mass of seething rage, littered with overturned golf carts, frantic actors, and a flaming recliner from the set of Frasier. Attempts to restore peace were met with abnormally brutal, violent resistance from the Trekkers. After several hours, the police eventually gave up.
Paramount had no official comment on the fracas, although one official breathed an off-the-record sigh of relief that Voyager had never managed to escape the bottom tenth of the ratings, or real trouble may have ensued.