Editor's note: The True Dork Times knows you have difficulty navigating this crazy world of ours.  Boy, do you ever!  So we're here to lend a helping hand.  Our resident expert, Dr. Knowitall is taking a much-needed sabbatical.  Filling in for him is Seth Barrows, well-renowned among his large Amish community in central Pennsylvania for his Solomon-like wisdom.  If you want to ask him anything, anything at all, just e-mail him at: truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com.  And keep it brief: Like Dr. Knowitall, he can get testy if he has to read more than a few sentences.

Dear Seth,
I am having problems with the current version of Word 2001.  When I start up my Macintosh system from a non-writable startup disk, Microsoft Word 2001 hangs when Autotext is selected on the Insert menu.  What should I do?
- GiveMeOSXorGiveMeDeath@mac.com

Seth sez:
Thy heathen technology will soon leadeth to destruction. Thine evil ways are shunt by the Lord.  Thine reliance on Satan and Microsoft will leadeth thee to a land of fire and ashen hail.  Only if thou returnst to reliance on the land wilst thou be able to understand and be one with the Lord. Doeth unto others as thou would havest them doeth unto thee and thou mightst avoid the hell that awaits thee. Also, booting from an internal hard drive prevents the problem.

Dear Seth,
My girlfriend is currently having problems with the pill.  She has been taking it for five years and her mood swings are becoming worse and she has gained a lot of weight. I don't want to go back to using condoms and I definitely don't want to stop having sex.  What should we do?
- Grumpy Pumpy, Fayetteville, Iowa.

Seth sez:
Thou truly art Satan himself.  Thine evil fornication with thine lap dog whore will spreadeth disease and wrecketh havoc on thine soul. Thou wilt perish in white hot fiery flames from within for thine sodomy and godlessnes as will all those whom you touch.  If thou wishest to avoid a sure doom thou shalt beg forgiveness from the Lord and destroy the whore that hast wrought this sin upon thine conscience.  Otherwise, many women who experience problems with traditional birth control pills, largely composed of estrogen, have found that depo-provera implants avoid many of these side effects you describe.  If that does not work, you could try a diaphragm or anal sex.

Dear Seth:
I have twelve milk cows that I use to provide milk and cheese for my two wives and seven children on our small family farm in Ohio.  Recently one of my herd began devolping cracks in her udder and her milk production dropped significantly.  What is the best way to treat this malady?
- Udderly Stumped, Bowling Green, Ohio.

Seth sez:
Art thou mocking me?  Lies like these wilst surely leadeth thou to hell as fast as any sin. Twelve cows indeed!  Thou wouldest have to be the weathiest man in all the world to be able to afford twelve cows and two wives. Dost thou have two barns as well?  Thou also wouldst probably claim to have four pairs of shoes!  If thou truly canst afford to have 12 cows then thou shouldst be able to buy all the calves in Christendom and find the best one thyself!