By Hedda Perasse
True Dork Times Staff Writer

ATLANTA (TDT)  Physicians at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have noticed an alarming increase in recent years in the incidence of patients being treated for Cranial-Rectal Insertion Syndrome (CRIS), the condition of having one's head up one's ass.

"For years, this was a malady that hit only a few, particularly vulnerable populations: politicians, actors, or people at the corner pub who've had a few too many pints to drink," says Dr. David Segal of the CDC.  "But today, it appears to be spreading throughout the Americas, and throughout the world, hitting people in all walks of life.  There's not a day that goes by when I don't see not just one case, but usually five to ten."

Indeed, emergency rooms in Washington, D.C. are backed up for hours with CRIS patients, many of whom are highly resistant to going there in the first place.  "The sad thing is, most of the victims either don't realize they have this, or they just don't see it," Segal laments.  "Possibly, because their eyes are covered by their sphincter."

Segal notes the warning signs for affliction with CRIS include a perception of increased hostility from others during conversations, an all-encompassing sense of self-worth, near certainty that your opinions are actually factual evidence, and, of course, the presence of your head within your rectum.

Perhaps most alarmingly, experts researching the problem are still unsure both of what causes the affliction, and how it spreads.  Attempts to treat the disease today rely solely on surgery, and without further research, the prospect of prevention, be it through a vaccine or other means, remains an elusive dream.

Not that dedicated scientists aren't trying.  The recent spread of the disease throughout the population has allowed better correlative studies to be performed, which allow the exclusion of factors such as wealth and education.  One study, recently published in the New England Journal of Medicine, suggests that there may be a link between the CRIS epidemic and the rise of AM talk radio.

Lead author Dr. Philip Exeter, an epidemiologist from Harvard Medical School, explains: "We think it has something to do with the easy answer, lockstep thinking encouraged by these programs.  First, reasoning and cognitive activities slow down to a trickle, then... in pops the head!"  Exeter notes, however, that this is only a correlation based on observations, and direct proof of a causative link is not yet forthcoming.

Researchers also note an alarming rise in Combined Cranial-Rectal Insertion Syndrome, or having objects in addition to one's head anally lodged.  "Usually it's a stick, or sometimes a bug.  These conditions are very dangerous, as the head could become impaled on one of these foreign objects," warns Segal.  "For heavens' sake, if you're going to put your head up there, make sure the area is clear first!"