By Cora Nerry
True Dork Times Staff Writer
WASHINGTON
(TDT) In a tersely-worded statement directed at recalcitrant Congressional
Democrats who have yet to swoon in response to his good-natured bucolic
charms, President George W. Bush threatened the formerly unthinkable yesterday:
taking over the reins of governing.
"As many you know," the President began, "Vice President Cheney heart bad. Doctors no fix quickly. Stress bad too. Democrats bad. Economy much bad also. Republicans good, give money to you. Yay Republicans!"
Through interpreter/spokesman Ari Fleischer, the President went on to elaborate that Cheney's doctors had cleared him to resume his traditional activities of running the free world, telling Congressional Republicans how to vote if they want to keep their jobs, spearheading a committee deliberating on how most profitably to destroy the environment and divide up public land between the major oil companies, and "kickin' ass and takin' names" on the Sunday TV talk show circuit. While normal, job-related stress will not necessarily aggravate Cheney's precarious heart condition, his physicians have cautioned against activities producing a high degree of frustration. Hence, the President's warning to Democrats that, unless they start caving quickly to Republican demands, the Vice President's life may be at stake.
Cheney himself admitted he may have to make a few adjustments, but would otherwise keep up his demanding schedule. "I guess I'll probably have to give up going down to the D.C. ghettoes and joining in pick-up games at the Midnight Basketball program. But we have to cut that program, anyway, to help pay for Warren Buffett's tax cut."
Democrats seemed unnerved by Bush's threats. Aging West Virginia senator Robert Byrd, who doubles as the body's historian, noted: "Since 1820, every President elected in a year ending in zero has either been assassinated or died in office. Reagan was only shot, but you could probably fudge a little and say that he wasn't really all there for his second term. This bodes very poorly for Dick Cheney. We do not look forward to being governed by Mr. Bush, so we're looking into what we can do to ease up on Dick a little bit."
Bush, in the middle of a 1460-day tour of the country to promote the administration's tax cutting plan, declined further comment, by stomping his feet and shaking his head from side to side.