By Paul Murky
True Dork Statistical Research Editor
(on sabbatical from Cars.com)
Editor's note: It's an age-old question that continues to plague us
even today. The search for absolute lack of intelligence has led
us to two camps: first, the newly-selected President of the United States,
renowned for his longhorn-caliber cranial activity. Fighting lustily
with him, a vacuous group of mouth-breathing spokesmodels, celebrities,
and cognitively lazy college kids, collectively known as PETA, or People
for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Our crack investiagtive team
has spared no expense in tracking down the depths of their respective stupidity.
It was a long, arduous, and frequently dangerous trip, but they managed
to survive, at least long enough to bring you these handily-tabulated results.
PETA (Alec Baldwin, spokesmoron) |
PETA: The Verdict | 
George W. Bush Our Hero |
W: The Verdict |
ADVANTAGE |
| All bent out of shape that people drink cow's milk, because the natural process of milk production is somehow inhumane to cows. Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, have concocted a fanciful claim that "medical data" shows milk is harmful to human health. | Dumb, stupid, and idiotic. So, of course, this idea is catching on with the American public. | No known position on this topic. His Texas "ranch" does not appear to contain any livestock. Poppy was famously unaware of the price of milk, though, and seemed mystified by the grocery checkout process. | Dumb, but not overly so. | PETA. |
| Oppose any research which use animals such as mice and rats, preferring scientists to magically conjure them out of thin air. Vociferously advocate that all new drugs be tested for toxicity directly on people, rather than rodents, potentially leading to an avalanche of death and disfigurement. | As a compromise, perhaps scientists should directly test dangerous drugs on PETA members. | Thinks it's more useful to throw dead, aborted fetuses into the trash, rather than allow scientists to have access to cells which could potentially lead to cures for Alzheimer's and Parkinson's diseases, among others. | Utterly moronic. | TIE |
| Vigorously protested both seasons of the TV show "Survivor" because contestants ate small animals to stay alive. | We'd like to see a PETA member live for a month on a two-week ration of rice, but they keep getting voted off first, for being too annoying. | Vigorously protested that piddling votes be counted in his own "survivor"-style extravaganza in Florida. | Dumb, but hey, it worked. | TIE,
Edge to PETA |
| Think using stars and models to voice their opinions somehow makes them seem more logical. | Ahem. | Despite the opposition of virtually every other country in the world, and a complete lack of evidence that it does now or ever will work, seems endelessly entertained by those shiny rocket things that made up Reagan's "Star Wars" missile defense "shield." | Rocket go "whoosh!" | TIE |
| Problems speaking without a script. | Mildly imbecilic. | Problems speaking, even with a script. | The full monty. | TIE,
Edge to W |
| Anti-fur tactics include dousing fur wearers with can of red paint. | Actually, we find this pretty entertaining. Besides, unless you're an Eskimo, most people look pretty stupid wearing dead, barely processed animal carcasses. | Thinks people will accept his attempt to kill off fur-bearing mammals in Alaska by explaining that drilling for oil will solve California's energy crisis. Never mind that only 1% of California's power supply is oil-based, nor that the oil won't be on the market for a good five to ten years. | We admit this may be canny political misinformation intended to line his own pockets, but Occam's razor predicts the more simple explanation - his being a dunderhead - is probably true. | W |
| Motto: "Don't ask questions, just do what we say" | No comment necessary. | Motto: "Don't ask questions, just do what I say" | Ditto. | TIE |
And the final score is: Dammit! Another tie!
Don't be expecting a resolution any time soon....