Editor's note: The True Dork Times knows you have difficulty navigating this crazy world of ours.  Boy, do you ever!  So we're here to lend a helping hand.  Dr. Knowitall is a renowned expert in just about everything, just ask him!  We're not sure that he's actually earned a doctorate in anything, but he calls himself "Doctor," so that's good enough for us.  If you want to ask him anything, anything at all, just e-mail him at: truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com.  And keep it brief, he can get testy if he has to read more than a few sentences.

Dear Dr. Knowitall,
Recently, my unemployed brother, his wife, and their six kids drove up to our house for a "weekend getaway."  Well, six months later, they're all still here.  I don't mind the constant calls from collections agencies, the parties he throws for his ex-prison buddies, or the way none of them seems to remember to bathe with any regularity.  I don't even mind the frequent trips we have to make to local pawn shops, whenever one of our applicances, or sometimes one of our children, just "goes missing," each day. I am just a teensy bit concerned that when he and his wife get rip-roaring drunk each morning, and start throwing furniture each other, my extensive assortment of Elvis collector's edition plates might get damaged.  Is there any kind of protective spray I can apply that would prevent them from cracking, without damaging the finish on the plates?  Thanks,
- Platter Patsy, Seaside, Ore.

Dear Patsy,
You are a moron.

Dear Dr. Knowitall,
After seven short years, I recently got my bachelor's degree in biology at our local state university.  Okay, I don't actually have the diploma yet, but if I turn in a couple of final papers from a few classes, I talked to the professors, and I'm pretty sure I can get them to change my "Incompletes" to letter grades. Anyways, I got a food-preparing job at a local restaurant last week.  It pays pretty decent, and I like the guys I'm working with. I'm learning to cook some pretty good food, too.  Maybe you should come over or something!  But since I've almost got a science degree, I think they should at least make me the manager by next week.  I was captain of my little league team in junior high, so I've got the leadership down, and I've been working here four days already, so Lord knows I've done the experience part.  How much of a raise should I tell my boss I need before I walk?
- Chef Earl, Norman, Ok.

Dear Chef,
You are a moron.