Editor's note: The True Dork Times knows you have difficulty navigating this crazy world of ours.  Boy, do you ever!  So we're here to lend a helping hand.  So we've gone back to our old friend, Seth Barrows, well-renowned among his large Amish community in central Pennsylvania for his Solomon-like wisdom.  If you want to ask him anything, anything at all, just e-mail him at: truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com.  And keep it brief: he can get testy if he has to read more than a few sentences.

Dear Seth,
My wife and I have an active love life but recently the sex talk has become rather stale.  She has fallen into a pattern of describing how big and hard I am, while I can only focus on how much she "wants it".  How can we spice up our love talk?
Repetitious in Reston

Seth sez,
Thy question is odd in that thou dost not seem to know the Biblically mandated discourse for the time to produce children, as written in Ephesians.  I blame thy school, which is devoid of the Lord.  On the the first thrust thou shouldst shout "On this thrust may our children be healthy!" and on the next, thou shouldst cry "With this thrust may our children be wise."  There are calls for further thrusts, but only a braggart would ever claimst to have used them. Create children in peace, my friend, and if you need any further assistance I highly recommend "Sorority Sex Kittens Part II."  The dialogue is fantastic!

Dear Seth,
Should I upgrade to Windows XP?
S. Jobs, Cupertino, CA.

Seth sez,
I will not allow blasphemy in this arena, Mr. Jobs.  Jebediah Gates, great-grandfather of Mr. Bill Gates, was shunt in 1789 for trying to purge the world of the Amish.  He and all his progeny are dead to us and shallst not be discussed whilst they push their pagan beliefs onto the meek and unsuspecting.  Know this Mr. Gates, if thou hadst the courage to read this, we Amish know thee and will not allow thee to dominate the world though thy 'technology.'  We will stop thee Satan!  We Will!  On the other hand you might as well upgrade, I mean, what else are you going to do?  Use a Mac?  Ha!

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