By F.R. Farrah Wei
True Dork Times Gunganology Editor

SKYWALKER RANCH, San Rafael, California (TDT)  In a surprise move, Star Wars series creator and producer George Lucas broke his customary silence about his upcoming project yesterday.  Lucas announced that the script had been completely rewritten, in order to increase the focus on computer-animated character Jar Jar Binks.  Additionally, Lucas confirmed he had hired hip director Spike Jonez to re-shoot several scenes, and that the much-anticipated Episode II prequel will now be titled Being Jar Jar Binks.  Lucas vowed the changes to the motion picture would not delay its release, scheduled for April, 2002.

"I just didn't feel the Jar Jar character had been fully explored," Lucas explained.  "Plus, the whole plotline centering around Anakin turning to the Dark Side was just becoming too depressing.  It wasn't testing well with our target audience of 4-to-6-year-olds, so we decided something different needed to be done."

To remedy the situation, the producer explained, he gutted much of the existing plotline, and replaced it with extensive footage featuring the flop-eared, slack-tongued Jar Jar, as well as numerous superfluous scenes of cuddly Ewoks.  "Don't worry," Lucas reassured assembled reporters, "the new film will still have the same witty, intellectual dialogue and first-rate acting Star Wars fans have come to expect."

Lucas refused to comment on speculation that the changes were made in response to fan criticism of the Binks character, including the wildly popular Phantom Edit, a fan-generated revision of the recent Episode I: The Phantom Menace, in which all references to Jar Jar had been expunged.  "Nonsense!" Lucas exclaimed. "Jar Jar was already a central character when we were calling it Attack of the Clones."

Lucas also remained tight-lipped about the storyline of the newly re-shot film, although several internet fan sites claim to have "stumbled across" apparent promotional material featuring the new title, coupled with an image of Jar Jar dressed in Jedi knight robes, and carrying a light saber, the Jedi weapon of choice.

One highly-placed production insider, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed the authenticity of the picture.  "Yes, Jar Jar becomes a Jedi in the upcoming episode," the source admitted.  "In fact, much of the second half involves Jar Jar desperately trying to avoid slicing off his ears and tongue."

According to the source, Obi Wan Kenobi is training young Anakin Skywalker in the ways of the Force, and enables Anakin to see the world through the eyes of Jar Jar.  But something goes horribly wrong, and soon, everyone Anakin sees becomes Jar Jar.  Despite a speedy rescue, the experience leaves Anakin so mentally scarred that he immediately races off to meet Emperor Palpatine, embraces the Dark Side, changes his name to Darth Vader, and pledges to spend the remainder of his days removing all traces of the Gungan race from the galaxy.

"The multiple Jar Jars scene was where the original title came from," confirms the production insider. "When Spike Jonez got wind of it, and noted that it bore an uncanny resemblance to one of his own films, George brought him on board... hint, hint."

Further details on the remainder of the film, which comprises the bulk of the re-shooting, were sketchy.  The production insider confirmed that, after Anakin's departure, Kenobi turns to Jar Jar to become his new apprentice.  This will set up a climactic battle in the third, and final, prequel, in which the Jedis combat Vader and his Dark Side for final supremacy.  "Maybe George thought it made more sense if it's Jar Jar's fault the Jedis lose in the end," the insider guessed. "Oopsie!"

Industry analysts responded positively to the news of Lucas' alterations, concluding the revamped plotline should greatly boost ticket sales.  "Nobody wants another downer like The Empire Strikes Back," was Variety's take.  McDonalds also expressed pleasure with the changes, noting that it should substantially increase sales of Happy Meals and other tie-in merchandise during the summer.

Ending his news conference, Lucas voiced what appears to be the predominant Hollywood opinion: "There's no way more Jar Jar could possibly be bad."

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