TDT.com | Our Holiday Gift Guide

It's the official True Dork Times' Holiday Gift Guide
Because, whether it's Christmas, Hannukah or Kwanzaa, spending lots of money on people you marginally care about is the real reason for the season

By Hope N. Yngyffts
True Dork Times Receiving-Better-Than-Giving Editor

Editor's note: We all have that one person on our list who is just impossible to shop for. We've all heard the tired strains of "Oh, I don't really need anything, a nice card will do." Thankfully, the True Dork Times has come to your rescue, with this timely collection of holiday gifts sure to please even your most discerning recipient. Shop away!

For the person who can't miss a second of their important cell phone calls...
The Ultimate Hands-Free Cell Accessories Kit
How many times have you wished you could keep jabbering away on your cell phone about your evening grocery-shopping plans, while still using both of your hands for important activities, such as gesturing while speaking, nose-picking, and giving the one-finger salute to passers-by? Well, now you can, thanks to our top-of-the-line, Ultimate Hands-Free Cell Accessories Kit. To speak your piece, simply nestle your cell in the handy cradle, and speak through our 500-decibel bullhorn, which can be worn around your neck using our convenient Bullhorn Sling (sold separately). To listen to other half of your conversation, the cradle contains a high-tech transmitter, which both amplifies your incoming signal, and transmits it to our powered, wireless surround-sound speakers, conveniently mounted on an authentic New York Yankees batting helmet. You'll be amazed by the looks of jealousy-tinged wonder you'll receive as you discuss last night's game, all the while enjoying your favorite activities, such as eating popcorn at a movie theater, or wiping yourself in a public restroom. The perfect gift for any cell phone user.
Catalog Number: UCAK666. Suggested price: $499.99

For the child who has everything...
The Holiday Gift Set of Sharp Biomedical Waste
Your tot will be thrilled by all the pointy, rusty fun of these 100% authentic discarded pieces of scientific and medical history. Whether it's virus-tainted syringes, toxin-contaminated scalpels, or simply a corroded razor blade, every child will love the opportunity to play "doctor" using these real laboratory items. Running around at high speed will take on a new level of excitement with this thoughtful gift set.
Catalog Number: HGSW911. Suggested price: $49.99

For the conceptual artist on your list...
An actual brick
Let's face it. Believe it or not, some especially jaded people are just not as excited by the latest new-fangled technological gadgets as any breathing American legally should be. We call these people "artists." Luckily, the True Dork Times has foreseen even this eventuality, and has the sure-fire solution. Our bricks are real, reddish, and ready for mortar. Made from the finest brick-making ingredients on the planet. And they have literally thousands of uses, from construction, to paper-weighting, to door-stopping, to heaving. We're so sure this gift will be treasured for years to come, that we guarantee it will marginally decrease the scowl on your ebony-clad friend's face, or 10% of your money back.
Catalog Number: TDAB101. Suggested price: $199.99

For the multi-billionaire who is running out of industries to conquer...
Your own central Asian country
Even corporate titans appreciate a thoughful present from their loyal serfs every now and then, and this one is sure to please the most discriminating proprietary palate. Its resources include many spooky caves, fields of opiate-bearing poppies, and numerous freshly-made craters. The many plains of this rich locale offer years of enduring tresure-hunting excitement for the discerning collector of Soviet-era land mines. And thanks to an immensely successful U.S.-led public relations campaign, hostility towards foreigners is now virtually a thing of the past! Hurry, quantities are limited!
Catalog Number: AFGH001. Suggested price: $19.95

Back to the True Dork Times

	For the person who can't miss a second of their important cell phone calls... *The Ultimate Hands-Free Cell Accessories Kit* How many times have you wished you could keep jabbering away on your cell phone about your evening grocery-shopping plans, while still using both of your hands for important activities, such as gesturing while speaking, nose-picking, and giving the one-finger salute to passers-by? Well, now you can, thanks to our top-of-the-line, Ultimate Hands-Free Cell Accessories Kit. To speak your piece, simply nestle your cell in the handy cradle, and speak through our 500-decibel bullhorn, which can be worn around your neck using our convenient Bullhorn Sling (sold separately). To listen to other half of your conversation, the cradle contains a high-tech transmitter, which both amplifies your incoming signal, and transmits it to our powered, wireless surround-sound speakers, conveniently mounted on an authentic New York Yankees batting helmet. You'll be amazed by the looks of jealousy-tinged wonder you'll receive as you discuss last night's game, all the while enjoying your favorite activities, such as eating popcorn at a movie theater, or wiping yourself in a public restroom. The perfect gift for any cell phone user. Catalog Number: UCAK666. Suggested price: $499.99
For the child who has everything... *The Holiday Gift Set of Sharp Biomedical Waste* Your tot will be thrilled by all the pointy, rusty fun of these 100% authentic discarded pieces of scientific and medical history. Whether it's virus-tainted syringes, toxin-contaminated scalpels, or simply a corroded razor blade, every child will love the opportunity to play "doctor" using these real laboratory items. Running around at high speed will take on a new level of excitement with this thoughtful gift set. Catalog Number: HGSW911. Suggested price: $49.99
	For the conceptual artist on your list... *An actual brick* Let's face it. Believe it or not, some especially jaded people are just not as excited by the latest new-fangled technological gadgets as any breathing American legally should be. We call these people "artists." Luckily, the True Dork Times has foreseen even this eventuality, and has the sure-fire solution. Our bricks are real, reddish, and ready for mortar. Made from the finest brick-making ingredients on the planet. And they have literally thousands of uses, from construction, to paper-weighting, to door-stopping, to heaving. We're so sure this gift will be treasured for years to come, that we guarantee it will marginally decrease the scowl on your ebony-clad friend's face, or 10% of your money back. Catalog Number: TDAB101. Suggested price: $199.99
For the multi-billionaire who is running out of industries to conquer... *Your own central Asian country* Even corporate titans appreciate a thoughful present from their loyal serfs every now and then, and this one is sure to please the most discriminating proprietary palate. Its resources include many spooky caves, fields of opiate-bearing poppies, and numerous freshly-made craters. The many plains of this rich locale offer years of enduring tresure-hunting excitement for the discerning collector of Soviet-era land mines. And thanks to an immensely successful U.S.-led public relations campaign, hostility towards foreigners is now virtually a thing of the past! Hurry, quantities are limited! Catalog Number: AFGH001. Suggested price: $19.95