By Ray Dioman
True Dork Times Media Editor

NEW YORK, New York (TDT)  With the celebratory pop of a champagne cork, media conglomerate Clear Channel announced their purchase of the last independent radio station in the country yesterday, paving the way for a future of unfettered dominance of the nation's broadcast airwaves.

"We're ecstatic!" proclaimed company CEO L. Lowry Mays, better known by his stage name of Jimmy Swaggart.  "Our computer-generated playlists of bland, uninspiring music will now be omnipresent throughout this great country of ours, dulling the minds of all who listen to it!  As God is my witness, from this day forth, all broadcast music will suck!"

Clear Channel came to dominate the airwaves in the mid-90s, as its corporate formula of forcing radio stations to broadcast set playlists of homogenized, unchallenging songs increased listenership, and quickly reaped dividends.  Slick, unimaginative bands like Hootie and the Blowfish, Creed, Matchbox 20 and Third Eye Blind rose to multiplatinum success, as lobotomized masses celebrated their creative vacuousness.

"We realized fairly quickly that people like to hear simple, familiar, repetitive songs on the radio, not something that jars you, or makes you think," explained Mays.  "Weird time signatures, strange instruments, tempo changes and complicated lyrics make people turn the radio off.  I'd like to think we put a stop to that."

Indeed, the company's forced pasteurization of their music, along with their practice of buying up every radio station in a broadcast area, allowed them to quickly dominate in crucial big-city markets. From there, it was but a few short steps to total monopoly.

"Now every person in the country, in every city, will have one 'alternative' station to listen to, playing exactly the same set of mid-tempo, jangly, occasionally distorted ditties. Or if they want, they can listen to our 'hard rock' station, playing 'cutting-edge' combos like Limp Bizkit.  Or maybe they prefer 'New Country' or 'Adult Contemporary.' Whatever they want, we've got it, and it's all easily digestible!"

Mays broke into a deep-throated cackle, "I mean, what else are they going to listen to? NPR? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Sources report that Clear Channel's long-term corporate goal is to maintain their hold on free broadcast radio, maintaining the public's frustration long enough to cause a buying spree once the company unveils its forthcoming, $15-per-month satellite radio service.  "Trust me, people stuck in traffic on the freeway for two hours a day will jump at this offer," Mays promised.  The company would not disclose whether its satellite service would feature better music than their current lineups.  "Anything's possible," Mays chuckled, "Pay us and find out!"