'What I did on my summer vacation' AN ESSAY By President George W. Bush Special to the True Dork Times

WASHINGTON, D.C. (TDT)  A lot of people think I don't work very hard, but that's not true. Uncle Dick made me write this essay during my vacation, and he said it had to be at least a page. That's a lot of words! Anyways, it all started back in July, I think, or maybe August. It all kind of blurs together. That's when we were having the troubles with Jenna, and I told Laura, "Look, we need to straighten her out.  When I was this age, Poppy got me a job flying jets.  It was cool!  Then, after a decade or two of bingeing and a drunk driving arrest, I was cured! Let's send her to Hollywood!  She'll forget all about the partying and fun she had at college, and do some real hard work."  Laura didn't seem too happy with this idea, but I reminded her that I was the President of the United States, and the people voted for me.

Then we got to go to Italy, and we took the other one along with us. What's her name again? Oh yeah, Barbara.  No wait, that's Mommy's name! Wait, oh yeah, it's Barbara. Anyways, we got to go see this old guy, who Dick says is very important to our Catholic base.  I told him, "I thought when I went to that one Bob Jesus Jones college we were telling the Catholics to go Hail Mary themselves," but Dick said it was complicated and he'd explain later.  I don't remember what he said, but it probably made sense. He's a sharp one, that Dick. Now where was I?  Oh yeah, so we went to see the old guy in the big church dealy, the one with the pointy hat.  But he wasn't wearing it that day.  I couldn't understand a word he was saying!  I think he might have been some kind of foreigner. Anyways, since we were in Italy, I asked him if he was pissed off about how those Italians look in the Sopranos, but I don't think he heard me, so I asked him again. Then Laura kicked me, and told me he was Polish, and then she said if I didn't shut up, I wouldn't get to ride in the Popemobile.  So I did, but later, when I asked about it, she said it must be in the shop or something.  Can't those foreigners make cars that don't break down all the time?  It was probably one of those weak environmental cars anyway, like electric or something.

Then we went to some boring government thingy, and there were protesters, and I wanted to tell them to get a haircut, hippies, but the security guys wouldn't let me. So we got back from Italy, and I told Laura, "Laura, I want to see the cows again." Dick told me we had work to do about something, some leaf cells or plant stems or something.  It was something science-like, I think.  Anyways, I was just about to get a high score on my new Gameboy Advance, but Dick came in and said we had to look busy, because we're thinking about this science thing, and reporters were coming.  But pretty soon, we got to come back to Crawford, after I reminded them that I was the President of the United States, and the people voted for me.

My ranch is just great. The cows tell me stories about that Al Gore that are just funny!  They tell me jokes like, "If Al Gore is such a tree-hugger, why does he look like a lumberjack?"  Ha ha ha ha ha ha! (Hey Dick, if I put ha's to the end of the page, does that count? Dangit!)  Also, we have satellite TV there, and I can watch every baseball game, it is so cool. And I can play golf all day if I want to. And then there's the game room, and I get to wear cowboy clothes, and I even have a real lasso! I could stay here forever. But then Dick said that damn liberal media was complaining about me being on vacation for so long, and he said it's time to read the lines in front of the TV cameras again. So I did it, and Dick said "We've struck the perfect balance between the biotech industry and social conservatives."  He's always talking in long words like that. He's a sharp one, that Dick, I tell ya.

So then I got to have a good old time for a while, and just relax and enjoy the barbecue and I got to play golf and go to baseball games in other states and I played some cool new video games.  But then my people started complaining about having to live in the trailers, and I told them about some hard summers I had when Poppy would force us to be in Maine all summer, and all there is to do there is boring boat rides, and looking at old stuff, and then I said "And then, the people voted for me, and now I'm President of the United States."  I could tell they were really inspired by my speech, because the next day Dick calls me, and he says to quick talk to some veterans, and say the economy is good.  And I did it, because Dick is a sharp one, and they cheered and cheered, because I told them that we were good and cut taxes, and some of them might even get refund checks, except the old ones.  And Dick said I did such a good job, that when we get this Missile Command game built, I get to work the controls, and I told him that would be really cool. The end.

Oh wait, and then we came back to Washington, which sucks, because its humid and Laura won't let me wear my cowboy hat indoors all the time. Is that long enough now, Dick? Okay, The end again.

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