CHICAGO -- Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has summoned his awesome "best interest of baseball" powers, and banished Don Baylor, the Chicago Cubs' manager, and Andy MacPhail, Chicago's interim General Manager, to the minor leagues.  Selig said the move was necessary because the two were discussing acquiring hapless Tampa Bay Devil Rays third baseman Vinny Castilla in an offseason trade.

"That was, by far, the stupidest thing I have ever heard," Selig explained. "Something had to be done. I cannot stand idly by and let this competitive imbalance continue."

Selig has long bemoaned the inadequate resources facing small market teams, which due to limited finances, are unable to acquire expensive, top-caliber players, and are doomed to year after year of subpar play and insurmountable losses. Baseball analysts were surprised by the move however, noting that despite Selig's protests, he has never made any attempt to rectify the situation. That is, until now.

"Of course, I'm not sure the 'small market' tag really applies here," ESPN columnist Rob Neyer noted, "Sure, they can lose up a storm, but the Cubs have tons of money. Maybe they're just a bunch of idiots. By the way, thanks a lot for tricking the Royals into hiring Tony Muser."

Managers around the league concurred with the outcome of Selig's action. The consensus opinion was that the Cubs' duo's fatal error had been the threat of actually giving up real, breathing players to acquire Castilla. "He might be useful as a spare bat rack, if he paid the team for the privilege," Braves batting coach Merv Rettenmund charitably suggested.

Not all reaction was positive, however. The move touched off a firestorm of protest from the players' union. Union chief Donald Fehr did not mince words: "This is a direct violation of the labor agreement. Everyone knows that when a third baseman is old, injured, and can no longer field or hit, the Cubs are required to give him a two-year contract at $5 million-plus per year. We made major concessions to get that provision put in, and we'll fight tooth and nail before it's breached. What will they try next, getting rid of the DH? This is a major source of income for players who have long since outlived any discernible talent."

Fehr's allegations left league officials scurrying for an official copy of the agreement, which reportedly was being used to line the kennel of "Schottzie II", beloved pet of former Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott.

As part of Selig's prescribed punishment, Baylor will become the first-base coach for the Cubs' rookie league affiliate in Arizona. MacPhail will report to the independent St. Paul Saints, as the team's reserve batboy. "It's a new challenge, and I'm looking forward to it," MacPhail grinned, blankly.  MacPhail had previously general managed the Saints' crosstown rivals, the Minnesota Twins, who unfortunately have even fewer fans than the Saints. Both will also attend remedial classes to learn simple baseball concepts, such as On Base Average and Slugging Percentage.

The Tribune Company, owner of the Cubs, immediately exhumed the rotting remains of Hall of Fame Cubs pitcher Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown, who led the team to their last World Series victory in 1908, and appointed the corpulent corpse as MacPhail's replacement. Baylor's position will be filled by a cotton banner bearing a stylized likeness of late Cubs' broadcaster Harry Caray. "We are committed to winning," claimed a Tribune Co. press release.

Selig declined comment on the team's reshuffling, saying only that it was "an improvement."

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