Is there any celebrity less deserving than Liv Tyler?

We get to the bottom of this important question:
Is there any celebrity less deserving than Liv Tyler?

By Rhett Oracle
True Dork Times Philosophy Editor

Editor's note: This feature is a part of our extended, fun-filled series, "Making fun of celebrities!" Trust us, there's plenty more where this came from. We thought long and hard about our picks here, and have had to exclude several worthy candidates for various reasons. Tori Spelling, for example, performed very well in our nepotism and general-lack-of-talent scoring categories, but ultimately failed to make the grade, because, well, her time passed several years ago. We're not even sure she's really a celebrity any more. And there's no need to beat a dead horse-faced actress. Instead, we've narrowed our list down to the movers-and-shakers in today's celeb scene, as you can see below.

Challengers Career Arc Nepotism? The Verdict

Liv Tyler,
"actress" - Somehow turned a brief career as an Aerosmith video trollop into a starring role in Armageddon, quite possibly the worst movie ever made (barring Titanic, of course).
- Her ability to turn a flat, boring part in that movie into a flat, boring performance earned her three more starring roles, including a choice part in the upcoming Lord of the Rings trilogy.
- Playing a slut in Daddy's videos may actually require words a little stronger than "nepotism." - For an exploding career grounded in a sheer lack of any detectable talent, she's the hands-down winner for now.

Keanu Reeves,
"actor" - Has basically played himself in a series of movies, including the Bill and Ted's movies, River's Edge, right on down to The Matrix. Renowned for his captivating emotive skills. Especially in scenes requiring him to look like a large, stunned mammal. - Not as far as we can tell, perhaps because his parents wish to stay anonymous. - Would win if he didn't also play bass for Dogstar, which, however lame they may be, is still technically a skill.

Fred Durst,
"musician" - Leader of the Limp Bizkit, purveyors of the highly original rap-rock trend, Durst catapulted to fame covering a George Michael song. Somehow, this led to hypersaturated MTV airtime and absolute power at Interscope Records.
- Already a hero to fratboys everywhere, despite being the lamest living rapper, Durst now has a forthcoming movie.
- Nope, either sheer dumb luck or cold calculation of the absolute lowest common denominator. Possibly both. - Has somehow managed to win millions of female fans, despite being a chubby, balding, middle-aged guy with no discernible musical talent. Kind of impressive, actually.

Charlie Sheen,
actor/"John" - Turned his spectacular B-movie career, which reached its apex with Hot Shots: Part Deux, into a primo position atop Heidi Fleiss' speed dial. - Whoa yeah. Didn't even bother with the artifice his brother Emilio displayed in taking his actor dad's real surname. - Would have given Liv a run for her money, but all that sex and drugs had to count for something. Also, played himself admirably in Being John Malkovich.

Colleen Haskell,
"actress" - Played herself on the first season of "Survivor." Her sparklingly witless dialogue and wallflower efforts earned her a skin-care commercial ("Do like I did, stay on a desert island for 30 days with no cosmetics!").
- She then parlayed this into a role in a Major Motion Picture.
- Apparently not. - Unfortunately, her first film is The Animal, starring Rob Schneider. We suspect this may be as far as she gets.

Julian Lennon,
"musician" - Had a minor pop hit in the '80s that sounded remarkably like Dad, but insisted he was his "own artist".
- Now inexplicably rebuilding a career based on faulty '80s nostalgia.

- Well, duh. - Nothing more than a marginal threat, unless he does a duet with Deborah "The Serious Artist Formerly Known As Debbie" Gibson.
- Technically, no longer a current celebrity. We just wanted to launch a pre-emptive strike against seeing Fred Durst back here15 years from now.

George W. Bush,
"President" - Worked his way up, one keg at a time, from mediocre Yale student to honorary Yale Ph.D.
- Also sits behind his daddy's old desk at the White House on the days he shows up for work.
- Oh no, the fact that his Dad has exactly the same name and lots of rich friends, and that his brother "accidentally" blocked some votes for the other guy has nothing to do with his success whatsoever. - Illiterate crackheads with speech impediments are, as Howard Stern has amply demonstrated, moderately amusing.

Back to the True Dork Times

Challengers	Career Arc	Nepotism?	The Verdict
Liv Tyler, "actress"	- Somehow turned a brief career as an Aerosmith video trollop into a starring role in Armageddon, quite possibly the worst movie ever made (barring Titanic, of course). - Her ability to turn a flat, boring part in that movie into a flat, boring performance earned her three more starring roles, including a choice part in the upcoming Lord of the Rings trilogy.	- Playing a slut in Daddy's videos may actually require words a little stronger than "nepotism."	- For an exploding career grounded in a sheer lack of any detectable talent, she's the hands-down winner for now.
Keanu Reeves, "actor"	- Has basically played himself in a series of movies, including the Bill and Ted's movies, River's Edge, right on down to The Matrix. Renowned for his captivating emotive skills. Especially in scenes requiring him to look like a large, stunned mammal.	- Not as far as we can tell, perhaps because his parents wish to stay anonymous.	- Would win if he didn't also play bass for Dogstar, which, however lame they may be, is still technically a skill.
Fred Durst, "musician"	- Leader of the Limp Bizkit, purveyors of the highly original rap-rock trend, Durst catapulted to fame covering a George Michael song. Somehow, this led to hypersaturated MTV airtime and absolute power at Interscope Records. - Already a hero to fratboys everywhere, despite being the lamest living rapper, Durst now has a forthcoming movie.	- Nope, either sheer dumb luck or cold calculation of the absolute lowest common denominator. Possibly both.	- Has somehow managed to win millions of female fans, despite being a chubby, balding, middle-aged guy with no discernible musical talent. Kind of impressive, actually.
Charlie Sheen, actor/"John"	- Turned his spectacular B-movie career, which reached its apex with Hot Shots: Part Deux, into a primo position atop Heidi Fleiss' speed dial.	- Whoa yeah. Didn't even bother with the artifice his brother Emilio displayed in taking his actor dad's real surname.	- Would have given Liv a run for her money, but all that sex and drugs had to count for something. Also, played himself admirably in Being John Malkovich.
Colleen Haskell, "actress"	- Played herself on the first season of "Survivor." Her sparklingly witless dialogue and wallflower efforts earned her a skin-care commercial ("Do like I did, stay on a desert island for 30 days with no cosmetics!"). - She then parlayed this into a role in a Major Motion Picture.	- Apparently not.	- Unfortunately, her first film is The Animal, starring Rob Schneider. We suspect this may be as far as she gets.
Julian Lennon, "musician"	- Had a minor pop hit in the '80s that sounded remarkably like Dad, but insisted he was his "own artist". - Now inexplicably rebuilding a career based on faulty '80s nostalgia.	- Well, duh.	- Nothing more than a marginal threat, unless he does a duet with Deborah "The Serious Artist Formerly Known As Debbie" Gibson. - Technically, no longer a current celebrity. We just wanted to launch a pre-emptive strike against seeing Fred Durst back here15 years from now.
George W. Bush, "President"	- Worked his way up, one keg at a time, from mediocre Yale student to honorary Yale Ph.D. - Also sits behind his daddy's old desk at the White House on the days he shows up for work.	- Oh no, the fact that his Dad has exactly the same name and lots of rich friends, and that his brother "accidentally" blocked some votes for the other guy has nothing to do with his success whatsoever.	- Illiterate crackheads with speech impediments are, as Howard Stern has amply demonstrated, moderately amusing.