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May-June, 2002

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Volume III
No. 5
Today's fun-filled, fact-free stories, brought to you by more than one of the not-so-good folks at Deathsuite:
NEWS                                 If you can read this, email us at

Attorney General to star in ABC sitcom, John Ashcroft Controls the Planet
    The ABC television network today unveiled plans to cast Attorney General John Ashcroft in his own quirky sitcom.  The politician will play a mid-level bureaucrat with an overactive imagination.  The worker, also named "John,"  spends each half hour fantasizing about such hilarity-filled topics as collating documents, imprisoning disagreeable coworkers, and making hot, sweet love to the flag.
Click here for the full story.

Paranoid Bill reports
White Out: The pacification of the American population
    After months of receiving cryptic carrier pigeon-borne missives from our favorite shut-in, Paranoid Bill, we've decided to run one this month.  He has a bone to pick with sodium fluoride.  Go figure.
Click here for the full story.


Pope selects pop star Michael Jackson to oversee embattled clerics
    Seeking to stifle criticism that the Vatican was unresponsive to the crisis sweeping the American Catholic church, Pope John Paul II announced yesterday that he would establish a new post to oversee charges of sexual abuse by priests.  In a surprise move, entertainer Michael Jackson was selected to fill this investigative/ disciplinary role.  The Pope praised Jackson, saying "he will bring a good non-Catholic perspective to the problem."
(This story is coming soon).

White House hires Ted McGinley, GOP strategists start to worry
    In a surprise move, aimed a replacing departing Presidential adviser Karen Hughes, the White House today announced the hiring of perennial late-season TV cast addition Ted McGinley.  McGinley will serve as Presidential adviser and confidante, as well as directing the newly-created Office of Social Stuff.
(This story is coming soon).


News Briefs
French surrender to Le Pen
    Frightened by the surging popularity and rabid anti-Semitic and anti-immigrant views of Jean-Marie Le Pen, France officially surrendered to the presidential candidate yesterday.  "It looks like another fascist regime is going to come to power in Europe, so we might as well get this out of the way as soon as possible," explained sitting President Jacques Chirac.


LIVING                             Actually, this section has very little to do with real life.

Cranky Andy!
   Need some surefire fun activities with which to celebrate Cinco de Mayo?  Cranky Andy's many lists of things is the place to shop.  He has quite a collection here.

Jittery Jeff!
   Okay, we discovered long ago that this Jeff guy is actually a weak rip-off of the formerly prolific Cranky Andy. Still, he's marginally better than nothing. Click here to see his lists.

Step this way for quick links to our way-too-large collection of Survivor content.
General Survivor crap Survivor 5: Thailand crap
Making fun of instant demi-celebrities. Newly refurbished to mock Survivors 2 through 4.
Yes, this show is already filming. Check out our S5 calendar to see what's going on.
If you don't get our Survivor-related humor , you probably should watch the show. No wait, don't do that. Want to know who's getting the boot?  So did we. But we were dumb enough to guess, in our Survivometer 5 .
Nostalgic for  Survivor: Marquesas?  Didn't think so. Still, feel free to relive the trauma with our S4 episode recaps . Want to ruin the show for yourself or others? Cool! Stop by our S5 Spoiler section, to see what we have to offer.
EDITORIAL                      Hoping to fill more table cells with empty texture in the near future.

Popping Virtual Bubblewrap
One of the many can't-live-without activities brought to you by the saintly folks at Urban 75.

Crappy's Bowl o' Flushing
    We've invited our new mascot, Crappy the Smart-Assed Toilet, to write his own column.  Stop by each month to hear his hilarity-filled take on an especially flushable topic.  Watch out, he may have a potty mouth!
    This month's victim: A grab bag of fecality.
Things which don't suck
    Despite appearances to the contrary, there are actually a few things in the world that do not sink to the level of suckdom. Very, very few.  After an exhaustive search, we've uncovered a small collection. Click here to see what we found.

    Have you missed an issue of the True Dork Times?  Well, we suppose we'll allow you to view our archives, anyway, just this once. Don't let it happen again.

E-mail us
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