By Buster Block
True Dork Times Sports and Foreign Affairs Editor

WASHINGTON, D.C. (TDT).  Following weeks of back-and-forth negotiations, President George W. Bush officially approved a mammoth trade with China, sending former President Bill Clinton to Beijing in exchange for a downed U.S. spy plane, $3 million in cash, and a player to be named later.  At a White House press conference to mark the official signing of the deal, Bush remarked, "I hope this doesn't come back to bite me like the Sammy Sosa deal."

The trade itself followed weeks of hard-fought negotiations between American Vice President / General Manager Dick Cheney, and his Chinese counterpart, Zhiang Zemin.  At several points during the negotiations, tentative transfers had been worked out, only to be rescinded once leaked to the press.  After a marathon 36-hour conference call, however, involving Cheney, Zhiang, and Clinton's agent, a deal was finally struck.

"We think this trade will benefit both teams," Bush predicted at the press conference.  "The Chinese get a built-in face-saving mechanism in President Clinton. We get our plane back, and U.S. corporations can continue to use the slave labor of dissident Chinese prisoners to manufacture their products. Everybody wins!"

Indeed, political analyst George Will was quick to speculate that China's acquisition of Clinton could catapult them into a well-respected world power, beloved in the eyes of the international community.  Will predicted that this could have either positive or negative effects on global peace, depending on how Clinton is employed.  "That fellow has a near-mystical ability to escape culpability.  For instance, it is not out of the realm of possibility that the Red Army could carpet-bomb Taipei, and people would just shake their heads, and chuckle, 'Oh, that's Slick Willie for you!'"

In addition to the returned spy plane, the U.S. will get $3 million, paid directly to the Republican National Committee.  When questioned about the propriety of accepting such a large payment, similar in size to the alleged illegal campaign contribution made to the Democratic party in 1996, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer explained, "We're the GOP.  When we get extra money, it helps the economy.  When the Democrats take in the bucks, it's almost certainly against the law. Haven't you people been paying attention?"

As for the player to be named, insiders believe it will most likely be the seven-foot, six-inch star center of the Chinese junior national basketball team, Ha Kai-Shek.  Ha has a reputation as a ferocious defender who also excels on offense, but his inability to shoot free throws has led international competition to adopt a "Hack-a-Ha Kai-Shek" defensive strategy late in close games.

 If Ha is included, it is thought this could eventually tip the balance of the trade in favor of the United States.  ESPN commentator Dick Vitale endorsed this opinion on Sportscenter last night.  "This is a trade with an eye to the future.  Sure, the Chinese get a guy who could allow them to subjugate the planet, but we get someone who, in a few years, could be a major star of Pepsi commercials and rap videos.  We have to let this play out before we make a final judgement."

For his part, Clinton seemed to take the trade in stride. "Sure, I've heard all the stories in the press, but you can't let it affect your game - you just have to play through it.  I'm sure I'll miss Hillary, but I look forward to meeting all my new fans in Beijing."

Clinton had threatened to activate the no-trade clause in his contract to block the deal, but was persuaded to waive the option when the Chinese agreed to install a chain of Krispy Kreme donut shops in the Beijing area.