By Colm Pewter
True Dork Times Technology Guru

REDMOND, Washington (AGB) With those pesky anti-trust breakup rumors largely squelched, Microsoft Corp. is now poised to lead the world again in computer-based technology.  Looking over the parched digital landscape, Chief Visionary Bill Gates sees a sea of new technologies that his company can bring to the consumer, either by buying them from their inventors, or by simply copying them, then offering them for free until the original company goes under.  What does the future hold for you?  Let's take a look (Note: since we used Microsoft Quizmaker (TM) to design this page, we're unable to keep score for you.  Pick up a pencil and  a piece of scratch paper, say, your Yahoo stock certificates, and keep score the old-fashioned way):

1. Microsoft is using XML to develop the next generation of web based applications because:
A. It is better than Java
B. It is faster than Java
C. It is Java without those messy licensing problems

2. Microsoft Hailstorm Clients will enjoy the new "Mywallet" feature of  the product because:
A. It will make financial planning simple.
B. It will allow them to buy shares of Microsoft online.
C. It will remove all those irritating middle men standing between their money and Bill Gates' wallet.

3. When Microsoft web services were unavailable for several days in January, Microsoft explained this problem as:
A. A small technical glitch
B. The fault of that one minority-looking guy who works down the hall
C. A new feature known as MyUnaccessibleEmail.Net

4. Microsoft's promise to keep all personal information of its customers private will:
A. Prevent spam
B. Increase security
C. Keep Steve Ballmer's pedophilia a secret for years to come.

5. Microsoft plans on closing the digital divide by:
A. Hiring more minorities
B. Providing free computers to inner cities
C. Eliminating Netscape, AOL, Macintosh, Linux and Unix from the face of the Earth (also their solution for world hunger and finding a cure for cancer).

6. Bill Gates was annoyed when an earthquake interrupted a speech he was recently giving because:
A. It added to the pile of evidence that he is, in fact, not God
B. He wasn't able to get to part of his speech where he compares Larry Ellison to Hitler
C. It indicated that corecontrol.net still had some bugs to work out.

7. The plummeting stock price of Microsoft means that Bill Gates:
A. Will have to put his plan to purchase Disney on hold.
B. Will have to put his plan of dumping his wife and marrying Anna Nicole Smith on hold.
C. Will have put his plan to purchase China on hold.

Scoring: If you answered A, B or C for Questions 1 through 7, you're right!  Now, add up your score (1 point per correct answer):  7 points = Certified Computer Geek.  Less than 7 points = Computer Nerd.  Congratulations!