Ahem. We had intended to set a precedent for happy, inclusive, uniter-not-a-divider rhetoric, by compiling a list of Things Which Don't Suck.  Foolishly, we opened this topic to our obviously mentally disturbed readers' suggestions.  The following was sent in by an alert reader, who apparently goes by the name of Brandy Aniff.  Don't say we didn't warn you.

E-mail your suggestions to: truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com if you have a better idea.

These are a few of our semi-favorite things, in no particular order.

1. Heroin
Actually, even better than heroin is free heroin. And none of that methadone crap either: I am talking pure horse.  I hear in Switzerland if you sign up as an addict they give you medical grade shit for as long as you want it.  Speaking of which can anyone lend me a grand so I can get a ticket to Switzerland?  Nah, nevermind I'd probably just spend it on heroin.  Can anyone lend me a grand so I can go buy some heroin?

2. My Girlfriend
At least not a consistent basis.  Unless you consider never consistent.  I mean, I have seen her eat a popsicle so I know she knows what she is doing.  The other night I stuck my dick in the freezer for a half hour before I went to bed, but did she touch it?  Noooooooo. It was "Too cold."  I have seen you eat ice cream you bitch!  That is pretty fucking cold too!  Don't pretend like I haven't seen that!

3. Brown Paper Packages Tied Up in String
That are filled with plastique and sent to those bastards at Fox who made me watch all fuckin' 8 hours of Temptation Island without getting to see one of those vapid pukes break up with each other. What the hell is the deal with that?  That god damn Andy got dissed by every friggin ho on that crab invested beach except the ho that brung him!  It starting to so re-god-damn-diculous that I might not even watch Boot Camp...well at least not every episode.