Anti-partisanship bills stuck in Congressional limbo
Democrats, Republicans point fingers at each other in hopes of wooing weary voters

By Paula Tichs
True Dork Times Legislative Backbiting Editor

WASHINGTON, D.C. (TDT)  After enduring years of the petty bickering, grandstanding, and character assassination pervading the Capitol, members of both parties stepped forward recently with legislation banning such actions.  One week later, however, the competing bills each languish in Congressional limbo, as neither house's leadership is willing to allow the other's to proceed to a vote, effectively killing the legislations' prospects of passage.

Both bills emerged shortly after the September 11th terrorist attacks, as Congress achieved surprising unanimity in rubber-stamping any and every piece of legislation passed along to them by an increasingly giddy White House.  Pledging that such cooperative lawmaking, and its attendant lack of scrutiny or debate over the issues involved, was clearly in the best interests of the country, a coalition of Democratic Senators introduced a bill pledging cooperation and genteel relations between the two parties.  At the same time, a cadre of House Republicans brought forth similar legislation in that chamber.

Shortly thereafter, trouble struck.  Insiders claim the gradually re-emerging specter of upcoming elections, coupled with the public's unbridled affection for all things governmental in the post-9/11 atmosphere, combined to weigh the bills down like a body in a burlap sack being tossed into the Hudson.

"We were more popular than the press," one senior aide to a prominent Massachusetts senator noted dryly, "and I think the near-90% approval rating went to a lot of people's heads.  They figured, 'the public thinks we can do no wrong, so this is the perfect time to stick it the people on the other side of the aisle.'  The general consensus was, we had carte blanche to do whatever we wanted, and if anything backfired, we could just blame it on the evildoers in the media."

Sensing that passage of such legislation would be a tremendous boon at the fall ballot boxes, both parties quickly began jockeying to have their version of the bill be the first passed.  Senate Republicans, under the guidance of Minority Leader Trent Lott (R, Miss.), quickly tacked on numerous riders making Southern Baptism the national religion, eliminating all taxes for corporations and the wealthy, and selling the National Park system to Haliburton Oil.  Simultaneously, House Democrats responded to Minority Leader Dick Gephardt's (D, Mo.) call to "lard up" the House version with amendments creating a socialized U.S. medical system, quintupling the pay of public school teachers, and banning utterance of the phrase "What Would Jesus Do?"

Not surprisingly, both bills generated a firestorm of internal protest, which was greeted with much public hand-wringing by party spokespersons.  Each party blames the other for the bills' failures, pointedly suggesting that voters will remember their opponents' tactics in the upcoming elections.

Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (D, S.D.), speaking for the Democrats, charged that House Republicans "were too busy listening to the coins from the wealthy, corporate elite tinkling into their war chests to hear the wishes of the American people."  House Majority Whip Tom Delay (R, Tex.) leveled countercharges that the Democratic-controlled Senate had "fallen over its own feet in its haste to siphon the life savings out of American taxpayers' pockets."

The White House tried to distance itself from the controversy, piously stating its wish that bipartisanship could be a new way of life on Capitol Hill, while strongly hinting that the Democrats were the beginning and end of all the problems.

Asked about the controversy while continuing his nationwide tour to remind people of his impressive wartime poll numbers, President George W. Bush lamented, "I've seen what can happen when the Congresses work together on a bipartisanshiply basis.  I remember fondly a time when I would say, 'Let's roll,' and they would do whatever I told them.  And that's the true meaning of bipartisan."

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