U.S. Government warily eyes hostile takeover threat from the French
'We should have been more suspicious when they gave us that Statue of Liberty,' Rumsfeld laments

By Jacques Clouseau
True Dork Times Francophonic Investigative Editor

WASHINGTON, D.C. (TDT)  It is a conspiracy centuries in the making, but highly classified government sources reveal the biggest threat to the United States may not be terrorism, but a surprise takeover by the French.  "French agents have infiltrated our country at every level," a seemingly stunned Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told his nationwide C-SPAN fanbase yesterday.  "A complete takeover may be mere weeks, if not days, away."

The story of the clandestine French invasion is a long and convoluted one, but most sources agree the French designs on the country began shortly after gold was discovered in the western U.S. in the mid-19th century.  "We should have been more suspicious when they gave us that Statue of Liberty," Rumsfeld lamented to the press.  Indeed, a CIA report concludes that the Statue has in fact been used for decades as a sophisticated surveillance device, tracking all activity within and around New York.

The French themselves have scoffed at the story.  "What on Earth would we want with America?" chortled an editorial in Le Monde. "Do we really need to gain 200 pounds, sit at baseball games, and shovel American beer and sausages wrapped in mass-produced bread into our mouths?  We think not.  Ha!"

Several shocking recent events, however, tipped off U.S. federal agents that something was drastically amiss.  The first indicator was the meteoric rise of the French corporate behemoth Vivendi, now Vivendi Universal.  After buying Universal Pictures in the late 90's, at a time when it had produced little more of recent value than the Jurassic Park series, the now French-owned studio suddenly put together a string of hits, including the disturbingly patriotically-titled American Pie.  Eyebrows were raised further when Vivendi then purchased the most valuable, and suspiciously-named jewel in the American cable market, USA Networks, home to Rudy Boesch's "Combat Missions" and other equally high-caliber entertainment.

But the coup de grace came when McDonalds France unseated the the patron saint of American globalization, Ronald McDonald, and replaced him with mustachioed, wing-helmeted French cartoon character Asterix.  "When Ronald McDonald fell, we knew the evil-doers were afoot," a stone-faced Attorney General John Ashcroft announced, gravely.

Privately, intelligence sources say the threat extends far beyond the mere corporate world, and in fact reaches high into the uppermost branches of American government.  Several factors indicate the stealth operation may even extend all the way to the current occupant of the White House, President George W. Bush.  A shadowy informant, known only by the code name "Deep Croissant," has produced photographs and documentation suggesting that Bush is actually a highly talented and creative French operative.

Deep Croissant claims Bush was actually born, like his father, in Paris, under the name Georges L'Arbuste.  Like all French men, L'Arbuste has a predilection for berets, turtlenecks and pencil-thin mustaches, and Deep Croissant has produced photos of L'Arbuste discussing the takeover plot with French premier Jacques Chirac.  U.S. intelligence sources confirm privately that they have known this for some time. "Oh sure, we knew he just didn't look right in a cowboy hat and jeans," an FBI source stated.  "And that Texas accent?  Come on!  But we thought he was harmless."  Agents speculate that L'Arbuste developed his disarming folksy mannerisms, pretzel-choking pratfalls, and his feigned lack of mental acuity through years of painstaking study of old Jerry Lewis films.  "We knew those things should have been burned long ago," a chagrined Ashcroft admitted.

Defense experts note that if Deep Croissant's allegations are true, the French effectively have control of the U.S. military, making a coup relatively straightforward.  And that ignores the massive Francophilic forces amassed in the Canadian province of Quebec.  "All these years we've been concentrating on Cuba," Rumsfeld grumbled, "and the real threat was sitting right in our back yard!"  Still, the consensus from the Joint Chiefs of Staff was reasonably rosy, "Even if, God forbid, the French have managed to completely infiltrate our country, all we have to do is invite the Germans in, and the country will be ours again within minutes.  Unless of course that whole Euro thing was to take Germany over from the inside, too.  In which case, we're screwed."

Back to the True Dork Times