Oh great. First we have to humor Cranky Andy by airing his gripes, and now along comes this Jittery Jeff copycat. Where will it end? On the plus side, this guy does not seem compelled to list things in groups of ten. This is a good thing, because most of the ones he does include aren't all that funny. Plus it helps avoid pesky lawsuits.
Today, be warned! Jittery Jeff has the following lists for you:
Top reasons
Santa doesn't fly on domestic airlines
Things
slightly less painful to watch than Carrot Top phone commercials
Top
goals for Emeril's next 1000 shows
Top
alternate names for Operation Infinite Justice, oops, Noble Eagle, oops...
Scenes
unlikely to occur in Attack of the Clones
Top
signs the end is near
Coolest
thing to say to British royalty
Top rejected
True
Dork Times mottos
Surefire
marketing phrases to separate gullible idiots from their money
Things
you're unlikely to hear on the next Iron Chef
Unlikely
Hollywood blockbusters for Summer, 2002
Problems
with listening to NPR all day
Funniest
moment during Survivor 2
1. Weary of overeager stepped-up airport security questions: "So, nice beard... are you a member of the Taliban?"
2. Embarassingly unable to squeeze all of his jolliness into a single seat.
3. "Sorry sir, we only allow two pets per flight. You'll have to make other arrangements for you six remaining reindeer."
4. Keep getting stuck next to babies who are getting coal this year.
5. Terms of probation prohibit flying until he has completed "air rage" counseling.
6. Stated preference for open-air flights (translation: chronic flatulence).
7. Tired of other passenger's complaints about stopping at every house.
8. Skymall addiction.
9. Sack of gifts will not fit in overhead compartment, unwilling to risk losing luggage by checking at the gate.
1. Your leg being gnawed off by a rabid pack of wolverines.
2. Your fingernails being ripped from your hand, one at a time, as your hand sits in a salt-water bath.
3. Your intestines being pulled from your stomach and wrapped around a tree.
4. Your genitalia being pulverized by a meat mallet.
5. Commercials for Corky Romano.
1. 5000 more dishes featuring the holy trinity: pork fat, whole cream, and about 40,000 cloves of garlic.
2. A new politician / demi-celebrity to suck up to on every show!
3. Slowly sneak in new, edgy, war-themed catchphrase: "Boom!"
4. After years of rigorous instruction in Spanish, maybe remember once in a while that there is an "o" at the end of "chorizo."
5. Keep sending those daily letters to Chairman Kaga, respectfully suggesting you be named "Iron Chef Creole."
6. Try to distance self from fictional cooking show host Emeril Lagasse on NBC's godawful Emeril.
1. Operation High Noon.
2. Operation Sting Like A Bee.
3. Operation Holy Christian Crusade... oh wait, Valiant Knights... ah, the hell with it.
4. Operation Desert Storm, Part Deux.
5. Operation This Time It'll Work, We Swear.
6. Operation by Milton Bradley. Ages 6 and up.
1. Anakin, in his initiation test for the Dark Side, eviscerates Jar Jar, slices off his tongue, and waves it around in a drunken victory dance (not that wouldn't like to see that anyway, hint hint).
2. Time-traveling Jedi Silent Bob embarks on a secret mission into the future, to a galaxy far, far away, and stops Kevin Smith from making any movies after Clerks.
3. Risking life and limb, Silent Bob then stops off in 1980, and convinces George Lucas to call it quits after Empire.
4. In a dangerous experiment, Emperor Palpatine rounds up all the wookies on Endor, and harvests their tissues to clone a master army of wookies. Sadly, the technology fails, and he ends up with mere ewoks. Frustrated, he throws them back.
5. The Jedi hatch a brilliant plan to disable Imperial forces by giving each ship a breeding pair of Tribbles.
6. Slave revolt on Tatooine succeeds as they unleash a carnivorous army of genetically-engineered tomatos on their hapless captors.
7. Ewan MacGregor rips off his cloak, stalks of the set, and commences throttling a stunned George Lucas, screaming "What the hell were you smoking when you wrote this crap? I mean, come on, Howard the Duck sucked less than this!"
1. Samuel Adams Light. We suspected a slippery slope when the faux-techno, mild T & A commercials started, and the Ben Affleck ad campaign was further evidence. But this?
2. Jane's Addiction reunite for MTV's 20th Anniversary party, and play... "Been Caught Stealing." You waited 10 years to do that?
3. The unrelenting avalance of oh-so funny, ever-so-slightly different "ready for a cold one?" Coors Light commercials. This is the best ad campaign hundreds of millions of dollars can produce?
4. Fuel's "Bad Day." How can music this dull, lifeless and insipid be this popular? As for the video: Dude, if it hurts you that much to sing this, maybe you should just stop. Seriously.
5. The True Dork Times is one year old. True, some of these jokes are even older, but wow! It's all downhill from here.
6. "Mr. Potato Head: The Comic Strip". Worse yet, it's drawn by Jim Davis, creator of "Garfield."
1. "You've just shot an ibis, you fat wanker!"
1. "Never been slashdotted, never will" - too honest.
2. "Our news may not be true, but you're still a dork" - actually used in first issue.
3. "More bitter and tear-inducing than that other fake news e-zine" - okay, we used this one, too.
4. "All the nudes that fit, we print" - too obvious. Might help with search engines, though.
5. "Slightly more legible than a million monkeys with a million typewriters"
6. "We make USA Today look like the New Yorker"
7. "Happy news: by happy people, for happy people"
8. "We jumped the shark in Issue 1"
9. "What we lack in quality, we make up for in odor."
10. "Why yes, we did appoint ourselves the supreme arbiters of cool, why do you ask?"
1. "Herbal"
2. "All-natural"
3. "Organic"
4. "Fat-burning"
5. "Free of genetically modified ingredients"
6. "The power of magnets"
7. "Blocks harmful cell phone radiation"
8. "Energy boosting"
9. "Money-back guarantee"
1. "Chairman Kaga, did you know you're dressed like Michael Jackson?"
2. "Dude, that looks like, totally disgusting!"
3. "And on today's celebrity tasting panel, former U.S. President, George Bush!"
4. "For today's contest, I select Iron Chef French Hiroyuki Sakai"
5. "Today's challenger is an American chef who can't even cook rice... Keith Famie!"
6. "And the challenger has put forth only one dish, an unopened can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli-O's"
7. "Today's theme ingredient is: Count Chocula!"
8. "Today's challenger has achieved fame and fortune working the drive-thru window at a McDonald's in Sioux City, Iowa"
9. "Goddamnit, Ota! Stop interrupting me!"
1. "Jurassic Park 4: Cloning the dead people from Parts 1-3"
2. "CHiPs 2002: Arresting the Band"
3. "Three Hours with Blue Man Group"
4. "The Animal: Part 2"
5. "The Mummy 3: Hello, Strom Thurmond"
6. "Sprockets" featuring Tim Meadows as Dieter
7. Ben Affleck in "The Grenada Invasion", directed by Michael Bay, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer
8. "Battlefield Earth: The Sequel"
9. Disney's "Visiting Ronald McDonald" - not even trying to hide the marketing tie-ins any more
10. "Scooby Doo" (yes, we know this film is actually being made)
1. Thanks to lack of paid commercials, becoming critically unaware of the latest annoying McDonalds jingle.
2. Urge to gnaw off own leg while being stuck with a full hour of the alleged humor of "Whad'ya Know?" with Michael Feldman.
3. Frequently find yourself humming irritating "Fresh Air" theme, rather than irritating jingles, er "songs," like Smashmouth's "All Star."
4. Waiting 167 hours for the next edition of "This American Life."
5. Urge to move to New England, just to hear more people who sound like the "Car Talk" guys.
6. Endless suspense, unaided by their web site, wondering if Bob Weston, production staff member of Chicago-based "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" is the same Bob Weston who plays bass for Chicago-based Shellac.
7. Lingering suspicion that the Car Talk web site is considerably funnier than this one.
8. Listening to barely-comprehensible British cricket and soccer players trot out endless tired athletic cliches on "BBC World Service" spoils the illusion that American baseball players do it as an homage to Bull Durham.
1. "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" commercials for Walker, Texas Ranger, featuring senior citizen Chuck Norris, in black cowboy hat and trenchcoat, throwing phantom karate chops and kicks. Sadly, aired only once.
Back to the True Dork Times