By Yah Wei
True Dork Religion Editor

CHICAGO, Illinois (TDT).  No longer content with merely being a massively wealthy television host and magazine publisher, Oprah Winfrey today announced the debut of a new religion, with herself as its primary deity.

"I've always felt that most of the major monotheistic religions are pretty much the same, so I figured, why not me? People already love me, and do everything I say, so why not give them the comfort and security that comes with ritualized worship, and have them pay, uh, pray to me?"

Combining parts of several major religions, the Church of Oprah promises to cater to a wide congregation. While maintaining traditional practices such as collection plates and bake sales, Oprah's Church will also feature weekly readings from the Oprah Book Club, and taped sermons featuring touching moments from Oprah's very own TV show.  "I think everyone will find solace in my teachings," the Deity said.

Traditional Judeo-Christian concepts such as Hell are right out.  "There is definitely right and wrong, but I believe if we all look in our hearts, even the worst among us can find solace by looking inward, loving one another, and buying my Oprah sanctifying cologne for $19.99," promised Oprah.  Deeply troubled churchgoers may also find salvation by personally appearing on her television show.

"I watch Oprah every day.  I think what she is doing for us, her devoted public, is beautiful. She just gives and gives, and then she gives some more," sobbed Mary Beth Lafayette, a homemaker from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. "Plus, now I can watch her on Sundays, too!"

Opinions among theologians were mixed. Some thought the inherent benefit of the re-establishment of faith - any faith - in an increasingly secular society was not without its merits, while others balked at the replacement of traditional prayer and reflection with TV watching.  Still, time will tell if the public approves, and indeed, improves.