Yes, awards shows are a tiresome chore. But handing out awards is an easy way for brain-dead reporters to quickly come up with lengthy stories during the holiday doldrums. And we here at the True Dork Times are no different. Also, in the spirit of awards recognizing true artistry, such as the Golden Globes and the American Music Awards, we opened up the voting to our readers. Many of these were hotly-contested battles, with an enormous number of reader suggestions (well, greater than zero, anyway). All balloting was certified by the 'Honorable' Katherine A. Harris, so don't blame us if your vote wasn't counted.

As you might expect, there were many, many contestants for this highly-coveted title. Our planet is suffocating under a slobbering mass of the bewilderingly stupid. We were tempted, of course, to rig the balloting so that George W. Bush would come out the winner, but in retrospect, there is something to be said for becoming the most powerful person in the world, despite having no discernible talent, intellect or ambition for the job. Al Gore was, naturally, a close second, but at least he was capable of putting a complete book together. And as always, there was plenty of stiff competition from the world of sports.

But upon further reflection, the Dumbest Person Alive is: John Travolta. Okay, you were moderately entertaining in "Pulp Fiction," but this was only because Tarantino had loaded your role with self-deprecating humor, showing you as a dim-witted, chubby, middle-aged loser, chipping away at your "Saturday Night Fever" blow-dried poster-boy image. Your volume and ego have expanded in every movie since then ("Face/Off", "The General's Daughter"), and in a direct inverse correlation, your ability to be tolerated has dropped precipitously. So what, exactly, were you thinking with "Battlefield Earth"? Please go back into hiding for another 20 years.

This one is a slam-dunk: Matt Gallant, the insufferable host of Animal Planet's "ThePlanet's Funniest Animals," who, through some sort of witless protection scheme, managed to avoid having his name listed in the credits or on their web site. What do you get when you cross the job description of annoying host of a video show with an already-lame cable channel? That's right, half an hour of sheer cringing terror. Pray that you never have to watch this show. Pray very, very hard.

Our most popular suggestion for this category was razor scooters, and we're inclined to agree. Especially when ridden by adults. In the words of one anonymous contributor, possibly Janet Hansen, "These are, essentially, skateboards for people who are too uncoordinated to ride a real skateboard, or too lazy/afraid to learn. Maybe they make sense for children, but adults have no excuse." Indeed.

Aspyr Media's "The Sims." But it was a good waste of time, and we feel our Relationships points going up just talking about it. What, did you think we were going to say something predictable, like "voting"? Ha! As we see it, that hasn't been worth the time it takes, ever. And it's unlikely ever to be, at least until CNN figures out that Harry Browne got more votes in several states than their former colleague, Pat Buchanan, and can deign to mention Browne's name when reporting vote totals.

"Who Let the Dogs Out?" by the Baha Men.Can 100,000 woofing sports fans be wrong? Yes, they can.

Fred Durst, of Limp Bizkit, in a landslide. Good lord, Homer Simpson's raps were better, and they were trying to make him sound like a fat white guy who can't rap. Please, if you want to be President of Interscope, just go take the job, and stop putting your balding, brain-dead, middle-aged ass on the radio.

This category is almost as competitive as the Dumbest Person Alive one. Sure, there's a reasonably large universe of possible scenarios involving George W. Bush bumbling his way into global destruction, just in his first month in office. But the White House is a big, professional-type place, and he'll undoubtedly be under constant supervision, with explicit instructions not to touch anything, and they'll keep him sufficiently amused with naps and video games to prevent him from getting fidgety. And we have good reason to fear the downstream effects of those three blue-headed guys in the Intel commercials.

But no, the most dire sign of the pending apocalypse has to be: the Continuing Market Success of Boy Bands. When MTV makes up a boy-band parody, even including a fat middle-aged guy for extra effect, and that still rockets to boy-band superstardom, you know something is seriously wrong with our country's basic reasoning skills. One of those boy-band fans is going to snap sooner or later. And quite frankly, we don't want to be around when that happens.

We hope you enjoyed our shiny, happy endorsement of the past year. Well, actually, we don't really care one way or the other. Nonetheless, we're sure that the coming year will be just as filled with fascinating, fulfilling and scintillating people and events as the one we just survived. Should you feel the urge, go ahead and submit your votes in these and any other categories you deem fit to: truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com.