Episode
7
"Assumptions"
Days 19-21: June
28-30, 2002
Aired: October 31, 2002
MISSING
Since Episode 6. If found, please contact Survivor Entertainment Group.
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Hey,
assume this buddy!
It's mergin' time on Survivor: Thailand,
and if you've watched this show before, you know what that means: hours
of drunken revelry, half-assed attempts at making a new faux-ethnic tribe
name, pissing contests between the tribes (usually after the drinking
part), more of the usual backstabbing and snark, and the sad ritual of
one of the strong "star" contestants getting voted off. All
of which still happened this week, even though this "merge"
wasn't really one. Although we must admit that it was entertaining watching
the grand puppetmaster, Mark Burnett, yank the strings of his contestants
back and forth this week.
Perhaps to lull the audience into a jaded, complacent
state (always a wise idea in an "action"-oriented game show),
we start the festivities by taking a nightvision peek at last week's losers.
The Sook-Jai tribe is returning from having voted off Robb, the taste
of blood still fresh on their lips. Or his speech about harmony, family
and love. One of the two.
Anyway, things are getting complicated: Erin
doesn't trust Ken and Shii Ann, while Ken doesn't trust Penny. Neither
does Shii Ann. Phew! So much to keep track of. To simplify, we'll just
say that the Sook Jais, having gotten rid the people that got them food
and won them challenges, are now a bunch of paranoid, self-important layabouts,
who seem to spend a lot of time reclining and bitching about each other,
at least when they're not busy sleeping. Watching this tense drama unfold,
Mark Burnett begins counting down the seconds until he can start torturing
actual athletes (and some celebrities) on the next Eco-Challenge.
"Seven million, seven hundred seventy-six thousand... seven million,
seven hundred seventy-five thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine...."
But, having made it through six whole episodes,
Burnett is now free to monkey around with the format a tad. How to get
the dysfunctional Sook-Jai family back in business? Why, make it bigger,
of course! Having tried the usual means (life-sized dolls, stuffing the
contestants full of food), Burnett is forced to resort to the most logical
path: having the contestants paint their bodies in rainbow colors. Over
at Chuay-Gahn, the result of this is superhero costumes (or at least,
WWE costumes in Ted's case) and elaborate full-body art (Helen and Brian).
The denizens of Fort Sook-Jai, however, wallowing in their self-loathing,
manage a few dots and swirls here and there, and call it a day. Except
Jake, of course, who has so many spots of day-glo blue paint, he looks
like a leper. Err, leopard. No wait, leper was right.
So imagine their embarrassment when they arrive
at their "reward challenge" to find that (*gasp*) there are
other people there wearing the same color! Oh the humanity! But you can
feel their palpable joy as Jeff Probst tells them to pair up, take a picnic
basket, and go find a beach. Fortunately, after lugging the heavy picnic
supplies (two apples), the contestants are indeed rewarded, because each
gets to hear some freak covered in goofy paint jabbering incessantly about
how much they hate their tribemates.
Such as poor Clay. He gets stuck with ambassador
duty. He takes Shii Ann to Chuay-Gahn camp, to show her the many sights
and sounds: "Look, here's where Tanya puked two weeks ago... and
it's still warm! Here's where Ted was grinding Ghandia! And here's a special
treat: it looks like Magilla has been flinging stuff at the walls of our
cave again! No, hold on, that's not chocolate!" For her part, Shii
Ann, who has just spent the previous six episodes ridiculing Robb's non-stop
verbal barrages, spends the entire time telling Clay every minute detail
of her life in Sook-Jai, from the texture of the chicken hearts to the
number of fronds in the fort's roof. Clay tries to maintain consciousness
by compulsive folding and refolding of the note inviting him to this personal
hell.
Privately, he wonders if gnawing off his own foot
to escape might be seen as rude. "Uh, Shii Ann, honey, I think I
see our boat over yonder on that island. I think I'll swim over thar for
a spell." Hours later, having been picked up six miles offshore by
the Thai Coast Guard, and returned to Tarutao for attempted escape from
the penal colony, Clay returns to find Shii Ann has made it as far as
a blow-by-blow description of all the moves Sook-Jai didn't make in the
immunity challenge they threw to boot Jed. Luckily for Clay, the camera
crew signals it's time to return to the rest of the group. Where we find
randy old Jake, last seen walking off hand-in-hand with a similarly spotty
Jan, winking at the camera, saying they had a "great time."
Ah, that CBS for ya, nodding to the silver demographic.
Once back together, the contestants instantly
decide to move to Chuay-Gahn camp (over Clay's stifled screams), mainly
because Sook-Jai, having spent the previous six episodes builing their
fort, then ridding themselves of the people who didn't help build it,
need a new set of accommodations to fight over. Ignoring the minor problem
that Probst at no time has given them new buffs in a single merged-tribe
color, the contestants get to Camp Cave, see their haul of food and booze,
and promptly spend a couple of days drinking and eating.
As you might expect, the following scenes are highly
educational. We learn that when people consume large quantities of wine,
they get drunk, sometimes fall over, and occasionally throw up. Who knew?
And then there's the singing. Oh, the singing. Clearly, Mark Burnett,
jealous of another show stealing his "must-see" reality show
buzz, must have figured "If American Idol can lure viewers
in with marginally attractive average Americans singing poorly, so can
I, dammit." So while we were spared any vocalizations from actual
singer-songwriter Mitchell during the Australian Outback series,
here we've been subjected to Ted, Brian, the entire Chuay-Gahn tribe,
Helen, and now Shii Ann's caterwauling. In the name of all that is good
and holy, please, make it stop. (Next week on Survivor: Jake does
an extended dance number featuring a medley of Paul Abdul hits, but can
Clay top him with his version of Christina Aguilera's "Dirrty"?
Only on CBS).
The aftermath of all this revelry is rather unsettling.
First, even though he's the most likeable porn star Survivor has
thus far featured, Brian's tongue-in-cheek confessionals are starting
to make us question whether he's actually believing them. Does rapid beard
growth in a tropical climate automatically turn you into John Carroll?
*Shudder*. Also, Shii Ann is taking advantage of her continuous access
to the Chuay-Gahns to drum up campaign support for ditching her Sook-Jai
party affiliation, and labeling herself a Chuay-Gahn. Everyone seems quite
open to the idea, apart from the Sook-Jais, of course, who immediately
run to tell Penny that Shii Ann is planning to vote her off.
And finally, after half an hour of red herring-laden
exposition, we finally come to the crux of the episode: the immunity challenge.
Not without seeing good ol' Magilla stealing some food first, of course.
Magilla's screentime in this episode eclipsed that of the nearly-invisible
Clay, Helen and Jan combined. We think he's a lock for the final two.
Anyway, the Survivors line up to hear Probst describe the IC. As Erin
mentions the "merge," Probst leaps in to tell her they've done
no such thing. Cheers erupt among jaded Survivor watchers at some
of the best double takes since Silas got his Boran buff. Even when you
knew it was coming, it was still pretty entertaining to watch. After that,
the challenge and it's aftermath were pretty much an afterthought.
The challenge itself was actually close to "all
new". Sure, the omnipresent finding keys to remove various locks
concept has been used several times, but this one actually required some
ingenuity and teamwork, and remarkably didn't involve a potential winner
rushing to Probst with their removed locks, only to discover they'd dropped
one along the way. So, no Keith Famie Memorial Stumblefuck Award for this
series (although there's still time). Honorable mention consideration
might be extended to the Sook-Jai tribe, who had tied up Chuay-Gahn with
14 of the 15 locks retrieved, but then, as they always do when they want
to boot one of their own, somehow found a way to make no more progress
during the entire time the Chuay-Gahns took to get their last key, dig
out of their cell, walk over to Probst, and endure the two-hour confirmation
process as Jeffy removed both his shoes to be able to count to fifteen.
Naturally, the point of all this was for Sook-Jai
to be able to purge themselves of treacherous Shii Ann. This does not
mean that Mark Burnett would miss an opportunity to make it seem like
Penny might get the boot instead, of course. Even if that is based entirely
on Shii Ann's speech begging and pleading Jake and Ken to honor their
pledges to her to boot that evil Penny. True, this ploy had about as much
chance of success as a challenger unseating an incumbent Kennedy or Bush,
but still, it was at least moderately more entertaining to watch Shii
Ann rail against Penny's deceitful ways than the usual grinning, winking
homilies about "Gosh, it will be hard to vote tonight, we love everyone
so much."
We can't wait to see the ruckus Magilla raises
when they try to vote him off.
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