Episode
3
"Family Values"
Days 7-9: June
16-18, 2002
Aired: October 3, 2002
"Say, uh... while we're getting everything out in the open here,
is this is a good time to bring up my porn career?"
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Beaten by a bunch of rules
So this is it, the big Survivor: Thailand
episode Mark Burnett and Jeff Probst have been hyping for weeks! Sex!
Violence! Talking back to Probst! In short, it's all downhill from here!
So without further ado, here it is!
And there it went. On the plus side, it didn't
have far to go. As with Rob Schneider movies, if you loved everything
you saw in the trailers, you'll love it even more when those, the best
parts of the show, are padded with an hour or so of filler. The big
fight at the reward challenge? Pfft. Your average baseball game has
more shoving, referee-baiting and cursing. Hell, even tennis does on
occasion. Maybe even golf. And the big confrontation between Ted and
Ghandia? Well, it sort of hung there, like a dark cloud, and never dissipated.
It was there, it happened, and not much came of it.
The bleep machine operator was working harder
than the average Osbournes censor (mostly), but beyond that,
not much compelling drama. Perhaps the biggest surprise of the episode
was the shocking revelation that the National Enquirer, which
ran a story on Ghandia-vs.-Ted, got the details of what happened almost
exactly right. Who knew this was possible?
Anyway, on with the show. Being Survivor,
we start with the requisite misleading "foreshadowing." Clay
declares Chuay-Gahn are a happy bunch of losers. Half-right, at least.
Ghandia, in an interview from way back in Episode 1, gushes about how
Ted is "good to hug." Tastefully done, Burnett!
Next, it's over to grumpy, grumpy Sook-Jai.
In a touching scene, Jake peels the skin from his feet, in an effort
to distract himself from another one of Robb's diatribes. Someone named
Penny gets to speak on camera, or at least, that's who we conclude it
is, based on the captions. Yeah, we've seen her in the credits and all,
but is she on the show or something? She chirps away cheerfully, but
we are distracted by something painted on her shoulder: "I (Heart)
U." Clearly, some sort of coded message. It appears she may be
in some sort of distress. Has she been kidnapped and forced to not appear
on a reality TV show? Somebody'd better get Ashcroft on the phone.
From what we gather from this mystery woman's
story, Sook-Jai is hungry, in part because none of them can seem to
operate the fishing net they were ecstatic to have won the week before.
And like clockwork, there's Robb, giggling about his inability to figure
out the mechanics of a fishing net. And how all the fish in Arizona
is apparently imported from Thailand. Dude!
And now, the moment you've all been waiting
for: Ghandia confronts Ted. He issues an apology, and it's over. Phew!
Good thing we got that out of the way!
This allows us to get to the most-hyped challenge
in Survivor history, the big brawl at the reward challenge. As
we recall, Mark Burnett pitched
this as: "We allowed physical contact in a challenge, and it
got a little out of hand. Jeff started feeling like he was refereeing
the NFL."
Which of course sounded a lot better than it
actually was. In reality, the challenge involved running across bamboo
bridges to "steal" exciting baskets from the opposing tribe's
boat. The course crisscrosses in the middle, forcing the tribes into
contact, which is legal as long as they do so on a special, black cloth-wrapped
section. And therein lies the entirety of Probst's NFL delusions. Not
in the least due to hard-hitting blocks or smack-downs, but rather dreary
clock-stopping penalties for offsides. The dullest of all flags. Robb
expresses his appreciation with a (blurred out) double middle-fingered
salute. We hear ya, Robb. Yawn.
On the other hand, there was some humor in watching
Sook-Jai throw the challenge. Due to their superior scampering and flitting
skills, Sook-Jai quickly filled up on baskets, then as victory seemed
imminent, they decided to start flouting the rules, resulting in the
rapid-fire expulsion of player after player from their team, thereby
handing the lead directly over to Chuay-Gahn. Maybe, having already
experienced Robb's expertise on how to build shelters, the tribe had
second thoughts about the "reward" of having Red Berets boss
them around for a day. In any event, Chuay-Gahn, uh, "wins"!
Beaten, as Robb wails uncontrollably, by a bunch of rules.
Still, this doesn't mean Robb can't fume about
Clay's "backwoods hick" choking sounds, and how lame the opposing
tribe is. Ironic bemused smirks spring up around camp, as he continues
down this path. Go with your feelings, Robb! We're pretty sure they're
laughing "with" you, just like the rest of us!
Eventually, we're led back to Chuay-Gahn camp,
where the two Thai Red Berets show up. They're there to teach the old
folks advanced Survival skills, such as how patching the hole in your
boat helps keep the water out, and how knives can be used to cut wood
and bamboo. The backwoods hick tribe watches in slack-jawed amazement.
The Red Berets, for their part, slap their foreheads repeatedly, groaning,
"Didn't we just teach these bozos these same things all of seven
days ago? Have they forgotten already? Stupid Americans!"
Soon the tribe tires of all this larnin', and
wanders off to explore their favorite pasttime: bickering. Ghandia,
having accepted Ted's apology, decides that, with visitors over, it's
the perfect time to initiate a family dispute, and tells the womenfolk
about Ted's dry-humping nocturnal activities. Deeply shocked that Ted
picked Ghandia over them, Jan and Helen are aghast. Then, in the highlight
of the episode, Ghandia says "fucking" in the middle of the
family hour on national TV, immediately catapulting the show into Emmy
contention.
Eager to stoke fires in both camps, Burnett
sends a crew out to Sook-Jai, where in a remarkable coincidence, their
fishing net "disappears" while the tribe is taking their six-hour
midday nap. Robb, being in charge of the net at the time, finds this
amusing, possibly because he and Jed had spent the time doing dental-grade
nitrous hits from the tank Jed snuck in. "If we can just find the
net, it must be full of fish now!" he concludes. Sadly, those sneaky
"fish" don't seem to be leaping back onto shore with the net.
Hmmm. Okay, we'll let you in on a little secret here: Robb is the mole.
Almost satisfied, the cameramen return to Chuay-Gahn,
and helpfully suggest to Helen that, in getting everyone agitated about
Ghandia's dispute with Ted, Helen might be able to save herself from
being the next person booted. "Wait a second, I'm on Survivor?"
Helen asks, quizzically. "I thought you said this was Combat
Missions! What are these guys in camo doing here, then?" After
a little more discussion, Helen informs Brian that simulated sex acts
are not to be tolerated in the tribe, and Ted is toast. Brian, eyes
darting nervously, clears his throat, and mumbles, "Okay! Uhh,
thanks... Helen."
Morning comes, and the sun rises softly over
the bamboo cage where the Red Berets had been "housed" overnight
to discourage them from escaping. Burnett looks on in horror to see
the cage empty, then dispatches his former Army buddies on the crew
to round them up. "They still have to teach us how to build a Buddhist
temple!" he screeches.
Oblivious, the toothless-gum tribe returns to the
favorite topic of all backwoods families: inter-familial sexual relations.
Brian, hearing from Ted that it was indeed simulated sex, promptly decides
that it's time for everyone to move on, and, uh, *cough* let's not think
about such things again. Helen, meanwhile, chooses the appropriate wording
of Brian's comments to ensure Ghandia raises a Big Fuss about it.
So the big showdown comes. Ghandia screams and
throws rocks. Clay dispenses some downhome wisdom, prescribing whoop-ass
and sending people back to bed as the best cure for incest. Ted attempts
to soothe Ghandia's tattered feelings by telling her she's just not
that attractive. Meanwhile, the recently recaptured Red Berets quietly
try to sneak away again. "Please, take me with you!" Brian
begs. But no such luck. As the Red Berets depart, Ted confides to the
camera, "I think I dealt with that pretty well."
Mercifully, the immunity challenge eventually
comes, in the form of a simple logic puzzle well-known to computer programmers.
Sook-Jai, with absolutely no external prompting from the producers that
letting Chuay-Gahn win might make that tribal selection system look
like it worked out after all, decides to throw the challenge. Jed, apparently
not apprised of this development, is told he will receive the honor
of being the Silas Gaither Memorial Puzzle-Solving Director. "Sweet!"
crows Jed. "His dad was a dentist, too! And he has my charm and
good looks! I'm on the fast-track to Hollywood stardom now!"
And so it goes. Chuay-Gahn, despite entrusting
their fate to Jan and Clay, still manage to get their temple moved in
a reasonable amount of time. Meanwhile, Jed, backed by the collective
brainpower of Robb and Stephanie, frantically bobs his head around,
plotting the moving of his pieces, as Jake, Erin and Shii Ann stand
back and let the Beachhouse denizens do some work for a change. Chuay-Gahn
wins handily, and commence hugging and kissing each other, despite having
agreed before the challenge not to do so anymore.
Perhaps the most telling knock against Jed's
chances now is that Ken, whose only appearances on the show seem to
have been to speak about Jed's laziness, suddenly appears to inform
us that some guy named Jebb seems to lay around all day. At tribal council,
we see more of the same. Stephanie offers helpfully that she's grumpy,
because the other weak little sissies have been eating all her food.
Robb tells everyone that he bounces off the walls a lot, which comes
as a shock to his tribemates. But the best moment comes as the non-sequitur
king tells Shii Ann, as he casts a vote against her, that she gets on
his nerves, but is a sweetheart. Thanks!
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