Episode
1
"The Importance of Being E...est"
Days 1-3: June
10-12, 2002
Aired: September 19, 2002
Robb auditions for George of the Jungle II: Electric Boogaloo.
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Dude,
Where's My Skateboard?
Seeing
as how it's been four long months since we've had fresh Survivor
episodes to ridicule, we thought we'd take it easy on them this week.
It is a new season, and in light of the wretched snubbing poor, poor
Mark Burnett took at the "Creative" Emmys this week, we thought
we'd take a week off from the sniping, as a gesture of respect.
Luckily for you, that brief pause happened last week,
and we're raring to go for another 13 weeks of crabbiness, finger-waving,
and name calling. And from the sounds of it, you might see some of that
on the show, too, around the third episode. This is one of the beneficent,
expository gestures Mark Burnett made as he slithered his way through
the requisite rounds of media whoring this week. In another revelation
(and as he notes, "This is huge!"), get this: the tribes will
not be men vs. women. Really! We're wondering if he's going to sue himself
for revealing that cloesly-guarded trade secret.
And if you're among the 1% of Survivor watchers
who hadn't known this since mid-August, when the cast was announced
on the Early Show, perhaps you should stop reading now. The stunning
revelations contained within may be too much for your fragile eggshell
of a mind to withstand. Either that, or you could join Sook-Jai, and
help raise their collective I.Q.
But we should have had suspicions about Sook-Jais
collective "genius" from the start, as the cast emerges stumbling
through poor Hat Sai Yaow villagers' laundry. Yes, it did in some ways
resemble them emerging from a curtain. But considering the expense put
into Jeff Probst's fancy gold-leaf, jewel-encrusted snuffer, couldn't
they have just made one? Rather than having Penny wave cheerfully at
villagers, as if to say, "Hi! Thanks for letting me stick my head
in the underwear you're trying to dry!" In retrospect, it may have
been worth it, because we did get to see Robb ride his skateboard. How
sweet.
Eventually, after waiting through Jeff Probst's
traditional "39 days, 16 people, 1 Survivor" monologue (faithfully
starting the show in a "whole new way,") and an extended intro,
we get the new pack of hamsters onto their Habitrail island. First,
Jeff Probst has the cast introduce themselves, stating their name, age
and occupation. Showing remarkable memory skills, Jeffy is able to,
through no added prompting from the producers, recall that Jan is the
oldest woman (really!), and that Jake the oldest man. Amazing! This
is important, because, in the producers' enduring effort to keep the
show "fresh," they replace the traditional pre-assigned teams
with a draft. Yes, Survivor is going back to grade school P.E. class.
And in a touching moment sure to garner many, many future Emmys, the
point of picking the oldest contestants is made clear: so that they
can grunt and point at people whose names they just heard 30 seconds
ago.
Slowly, slooooowly, they select tribes. Until,
as in gym class, poor lonely Erin and Clay sit forlornly, hoping to
still hear their names called. Or at least a grunt and wave in their
direction. After this, a spontaneous game of dodgeball breaks out, as
the contestants whing their authentic-looking Thai bags at each others'
heads. Jeff Probst leaps into the middle of it, screaming, "Save
it for Episode 3!" After dusting off, they decide to row to their
respective camps. Sook-Jai, naturally, decides to do this backwards,
despite having seen the direction in which the bow is supposed to point
all of ten minutes ago. Oh, those wacky kids!
Luckily for the senior citizens on the competing Chuay-Gahn
tribe, Pastor John is already busy telling them how to row. Silently,
his tribemates each mutter, "Well why don't you just part the Andaman
Sea there for us, God-boy?" Apparently, John had not bothered to
watch the first episodes of Survivors 2 or 3. Tanya, between
vomiting episodes, cheerfully begs the producers to put her on the other
tribe.
To which Mark Burnett responds, "Have you
actually seen the other tribe? They scamper around faster than a bunch
of coked-up spider monkeys, and we seem to have lost half of them in
the jungle. Several cameramen, too." After an exhaustive search,
it turns out they were all just watching Robb swing around on vines
for several hours. "He's a [word deleted by CBS censors] case,"
Jake admits. "We tried to get him to come down, but he just kept
jumping back up. It's like he has ferrets down his trousers, or something."
Silently, as he watches his hand-picked tribe cavorting about the island
like hyper-caffeinated hummingbirds, it begins to dawn on Jake that
maybe his strategy of "Picking the hot chicks, and the guys who
look like hot chicks" may have backfired. Still, if he can build
some sort of net-like device, he might be able to corral his horde of
skinny dippers long enough to build some sort of shelter, and perhaps
get some food. At least before the merge.
Meanwhile, Chuay-Gahn coast into their beach,
disembark, and have a group hug. Then they retire to their cave. *Yawn*.
With
the immunity challenge still two days away, the time has to be filled
with something semi-substantive. For Chuay-Gahn, it's the half-day trek
to their water supply. Once again, John finds ways to ingratiate himself
with his tribe along the way, wandering off by himself, and playing
funny pranks. Oh, what a kidder! At least he avoided talking about holes.
Well, except for the water hole, of course.
With their water source within spitting distance
of their camp (we're pretty sure they had a contest to test this out),
the Sook-Jais settle down for a good long day of bickering. Several
factions seem to emerge. Jake and Ken, who do the work. Jed and Shii
Ann, who do what they please. And Robb, who does a little bit of everything,
including yelling at everyone who's not doing what he wants. Shii Ann
cries, possibly because he called her "Dude." Unexplained
blood pours from his lip piercing. And as it appears the tribe's previously
inexhaustible amphetamine supply has run out, it starts raining. Robb,
the thinker of the group, uses this opportunity to remind the others
that shelter protects them from the rain.
Finally, we get around to the long-awaited immunity
challenge. Mark Burnett comes through on his promise of "all new
challenges" this year, by replacing the canoe race in the first
IC from Survivor 4 with... a canoe race. Ah, but since challenges
include a mix of "brain and brawn" now, there are stops along
the way to test the tribes mental fortitude. Collectively, Sook Jai
breathe a sigh of relief when Probst reveals there are only two mental
tests, requiring one person each, so Robb and Erin will not be forced
to participate. True, they do end up putting a former cheerleader on
one of them, but hey, this is Sook-Jai.
Surprisingly, the challenge ends up not being
won by Sook-Jai's brawn, but by Ghandia's inability to open the knife
drawer. Perhaps it was glued down, or something. Anyway, Chuay-Gahn
must vote someone off, and the candidates quickly emerge. Helen makes
note of Tanya's continued puking, suggesting it may be a liability.
Tanya acknowledges this. So of course, she doesn't receive any votes.
Instead, it's shrewd, practical-joking John, who confidently states
that it "hasn't gotten tough yet" for him. Even after being
voted out, he seems surprised that his strategy of isolation and bossiness
has failed. If only he'd been a Sook-Jai.
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