If there's one thing TV loves, it's award shows. And if there's one thing we here at the True Dork Times do best, it's giving TV what it most loves.We're givers. So for this season of Survivor, instead of predicting the show's outcome, which can be a lot of work, we'll just sit back and fling awards at it. Every week.
"What's that?" you ask. "How can you give multiple weekly awards to a show that almost never even gets nominated for an Emmy?" The answer is simple: We have low standards. Our awards are for outstanding, or at least unavoidable, performance within the show itself. So whether your red carpet outfit is a fabulous designer ensemble, or one constructed out of actual red carpet, step forward, Survivor: Redemption Island contestants! You're being awarded, as follows....
The "Trolly" goes out to a very special Survivor player (just ask him or her). Even though you contribute little to the actual gameplay or outcome of the show itself, you're nonetheless (perhaps through some kind of secret editor-hypnotizing powers) allowed to talk endlessly in confessionals about how brilliant and/or entertaining you are, and perform ridiculous, marginally sociopathic stunts for the shock value. Just like internet trolls. You will likely be lauded by Jeff Probst in his weekly summaries as "TV gold," even as your every utterance induces wincing, cringing, and eye-gouging in actual fans of the show. And yes, we know, everyone says "don't feed the troll." But we're hoping that if you get this award, maybe you'll shut up for an episode or two.
Hey you! We see you there in the title sequence (except for the weeks in which it's removed to free up space for more Troll time). Your picture is on the CBS site. There were press reports indicating you were on this season, a month or so before the show started airing. But for some reason known only to Survivor's editors, whether it's that you don't have much to say, you in no way impacted the outcome of the show, you're boring, or the editors just don't like you, we never actually see you on the show. We know, it sucks, since you were out there starving, too, just like the troll. Most likely, you need to convince your friends, family, co-workers, and possibly your boss that you really did take two months off to be on Survivor. That's where we come in. Just point those Doubting Thomases to this award and say, "See?! It's right here on this web site, and if it's on the internet, it must be true!"
With an aptitude for athletics, you're head-and-shoulders (sometimes literally) above your tribe when it comes to physical challenges. As soon as Probst yells "Go!" you're off to the races, frequently finishing first in fans' hearts (not to mention host's). Of course, you've been so busy donning necklaces and enjoying rewards that you probably didn't notice that everyone else resents you for it. Say hello to "runner up" prize money! That's assuming, of course, that you don't give them a chance to ditch you earlier than that, as in the minute you blow your immunity-winning streak.
Note: We reserve the right to rename/replace this award as the Courtney Yates Memorial Challenge Sit-Out Award ("The Sitty") whenever we deem appropriate.
You? You're the one we should look out for, because you sometimes (although increasingly infrequently) take home the million. You're ruthless, scheming, conniving and duplicitous, and we say that, of course, in the best sense possible. Maybe it's because you have the decency to tell your victims they "may feel a little pinch" as you plunge sharp objects into their flesh. Maybe you don't need to, because they're pretty sure you'd never dream of doing such a thing. Whatever the case, if only they'd seen you picking up this award, they might've seen it coming. But you probably had a plan for that situation, too.