Crappy the Smart-Assed Toilet

What a difference a week makes. We hereby disavow any reservations we might have had about Arrested Development’s third season, and hastily re-apply as many caveats as possible about the second year of LOST.

Episode 2 of AD (”British Bombshell”) reminded us, repeatedly, why this show is so good:
- Michael’s rhetorical question upon learning of his mom and dad’s “all kinds of freaky stuff”: “Why do I have breakfast before I come here?”
- “Free Chicken”
- Buster, upon retrieving and sniffing his prosthetic hand: “I’m going to run this through again on ‘Pots and Pans’.”
- Michael giving Lindsey the truck-hauled cabin (”It’s more like a Lincoln”): “Watch out for live-ins. You will get some live-ins.”
- Michael, to his dad George Sr. (Supporting Actor Emmy nominee Jeffrey Tambor): “It’s a wonderful performance, Dad. You’re a regular [Supporting Actor Emmy winner] Brad Garrett.”
- TV news footage of Michael getting hit by the Poppins: “Courtesy of WeeBBC.”
- The narrator (Andy Griffith Show alumnus Ron Howard): “No one is making of Andy Griffith. I can’t emphasize that enough.”
- Tobias (”I’m ‘Buy’ curious”) and his bloody hair plugs.
- Harry Hamlin: “I love my trailer.”

We used to snicker that kids spend $200,000 of their parents’ money going to Harvard, then fight for jobs writing for TV comedies. But with this show, it’s actually a worthwhile investment. At least until it gets canceled because it’s barely beating reruns of Diagnosis Murder on PAX in the ratings.

And then on the other end of the spectrum, there’s the (this week) aptly-titled Lost. In last week’s premiere, each flashback incrementally altered your understanding of the real-time action, propelling it forward. This time, however, there was one long, incrementally-progressing flashback that labored to tell you something you already knew: Michael loves his son Walt (shocking!), and doesn’t like it so much when Walt is taken from him (also shocking!). But wait, there’s more! Lest you think this was a mere 15 minutes or so of new footage, stretched out into an hour… you’re more right than you think! There’s also a complete rehash of last week’s hatch-entering escapades, this time told from very slightly different perspectives! At least after Locke and Kate go in, anyway.

Essentially, all the interesting footage in the show was helpfully compressed down to 30 seconds… in the preview for Episode 3. Just ABC’s way of thanking those 33 million premiere watchers for tuning in again. Hey, ABC: You’re welcome!

Tom DeLay (R-TX): “This anonymous, slack-jawed troglodyte of a partisan, out-of-control prosecutor has cost me the leadership, and yet if I were to have him killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you!”
Roy Blunt (R-MO): “You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.”

We’re not sure who’s to blame here, Hollywood Records or the iTunes Music Store, but someone surely is.

If we recall correctly, the soundtrack to Thumbsucker was originally planned to be an album of covers by Elliott Smith. But as Elliott’s final days swiftly took him downhill, then away from us forever, the project was taken over by Tim DeLaughter (and Polyphonic Spree). The result, released today, is primarily a Polyphonic Spree album, with Smith covers of Big Star’s “Thirteen” and Cat Stevens’ “Trouble,” along with Elliott’s own “Let’s Get Lost.” Plus 20 tracks by Tim DeLaughter and Polyphonic Spree.

Now, we don’t really care much one way or the other for the Spree’s music. We’re sure it’s fine, if you happen to like that sort of thing. We don’t, but we do like Elliott Smith. A lot, in fact. And for some reason, his songs (along with a 30-minute Spree track) are the only ones on this album that are not available for individual purchase, but are for sale by “album only.” Did we miss something? Wasn’t the whole point of individual song sales so that you didn’t get stuck paying $12 for two songs you want (plus one you like, but already own)?

Not that we’d encourage anyone to illegally fileshare, rip a streamed version, or download these tracks from MP3 blogs of course. Someone, probably Hollywood Records, is doing a fine job of that, all by themselves.

Eight days, four new episodes of three of the four series we actually watch. As far as TV excitement goes, that’s pretty good. As long, of course, as the new seasons don’t completely suck. So do they? Well no, not completely, anyway. Or not yet, at least.

Survivor: Guatemala premiered first, and to be honest, we’re probably not the best judges here, because we’ll watch just about anything that has to do with the Maya, including possibly even the crappy pseudo-documentaries you’ll find on places like Fox or TLC that claim the Maya pyramids were built by aliens. Okay, we’d probably turn those off before they’re over, but still. Of course, this is Survivor, so any resemblance to actual Maya culture and history will be (1) rare, (2) factually inaccurate, and (3) performed by a bunch of buff, white American models. Still, we’re allegedly a Survivor spoiler site, so it’s occasionally necessary to actually watch the show.

We loved that the first half was plagiarized directly from the Eco-Challenge, which is still by far Mark Burnett’s greatest creation. Unfortunately, they apparently cut out E-C elements from the actual show (a rafting segment that shows up in the opening credits), and also managed to avoid mentioning that the Maya traveled between cities on foot, using raised highways that are still present today. Seems like an obvious thing to include, but hey, they must have been pressed for time to get all those puking shots in, and according to Family Guy, broadcast vomiting is the height of televised art. This must be why Survivor keeps getting nominated for Emmys. But all in all, not bad.

Next up was the third season premiere of the best show on television, Arrested Development. And… well, it was pretty good. Fine continuation of the GOB/Steve Holt! storyline, and the George-Michael/Maeby one, but the rest seemed a bit formulaic. Lindsay really needs something to do. Running the company perhaps. And the “joke” of repeated scenes of various characters in the same pose (here, waiting fruitlessly to go fishing at the cabin) worked in “Sad Sack,” but was tired here, even by the second repetition. But still, a bad Arrested Development scene is still about 10x funnier than anything ever filmed for Will & Grace or Everybody Loves Raymond. Not that Emmy voters would ever know the difference.

And lastly, there was LOST. We were pleased with the improved use of the flashback sequences, actually interweaving plot developments in the flashback scenes to propel the island scenes (rather than having to wait for a single payoff with the last flashback). Decent handling of the show’s inherent science-vs-mysticism debate, but as always, the balance ends up tilting strongly towards the mysticism side, which gets a bit tiresome. The secondary cast seemed a bit stiff in their screen time, but since they were on for less than a minute, it didn’t matter much. The action moved decently swiftly, and the major open questions were at least addressed in a semi-timely fashion. We do wish ABC would adopt the model the other show we watch, 24, uses for airing: opening in January and running the entire series without interruption or repeats. But nobody asked us. Although they clearly should, and pay us handsomely for the privilege. Cheap bastards.

True, they are on EMI. But don’t bands usually have to get popular before they sell out?

Even at this point, two weeks out from Katrina, it seems a bit crass to be typing silly blog posts about a show that calls itself Survivor. But in this, the time of television rebirth (whether that’s a good or a bad thing), it seems like a good time to start. Squeamishness of this sort certainly hasn’t stopped CBS from advertising the crap out of the show. And certainly, the show will start airing in two days, whether we talk about it or not. Barring pre-emption by another Bush speech, of course.

So with that in mind, stay tuned to this space for commentary (don’t call it a recap) on the show during the season. Um, yeah. Sorry about that, we know we promised “hope” in the title. We’ll try to do better in the future. Really.

But the start of Survivor: Guatemala is certainly not the only (or even “the main,” or perhaps even “a”) TV-related thing to look forward to this week. CBS is also airing the Emmy awards this Sunday. And by “hope” and “things to look forward to” here, we mean we’ll be glued… glued, we say, to… the next morning’s newspaper. For about a minute. Looking up whether Arrested Development got any of the awards it so richly deserves. And we expect we’ll be cursing the stupid Emmy voters shortly thereafter.

But on the plus side, Season Three of AD will be starting up that (Monday) night. And this, truly, is something to look forward to. Even if this season promises Scott Baio (!) in the place of Henry Winkler. Oh cruel TV gods! First you tell us that Charlize Theron has a recurring role this season (which she actually does), then you give us Scott Baio?!? Why hast thou forsaken us?

Oh well, we shouldn’t complain. With our, luck, FOX will jerk the show through twelve different timeslots, then pre-empt it with Nascar for the rest of the season.

So wait, where was that hope, again?