Crappy the Smart-Assed Toilet

We’re confused at what sort of message CBS was trying to send out with the eleventh episode of Survivor: Panama - Exile Island.

Are we supposed to rooting for The Great Terry, the alleged underdog who is, in reality, coasting through the game, thanks to a spare immunity idol, and a series of individual immunity challenges designed exclusively for a shortish, speedy, strong person to win? Or should our hopes perhaps be pinned on sly Cirie, who, thanks to being built similarly to the average American, has absolutely no chance to win any challenge, ever, apart from the one she actually did win (one episode earlier) that simply rewards being perceived as likeable and non-threatening?

Ha! We were just joking. Obviously, we’re supposed to be rooting for Jeff Probst, who not only has to put up with the contestants and their various odors, but has also been forced to wear the same outfit and repeat lines such as “Wanna know what you’re playing for?” so often that we’d imagine a night with Probst at a restaurant would feature such fascinating banter as, “Colby is already finished with his entree, and is working on his vegetables. Julie’s gonna have to pick up the pace if she wants to see some dessert!” and “Once the tip has been calculated, the decision is final, and the party will be leaving the table immediately. I’ll reveal the tip: One… one… one… that’s three ones… one… one… that’s five ones. I’ll reveal the final piece of paper… fifty. Server, that’s fifty-five dollars. The diner has spoken.”

All the same, don’t go looking for us to buckle under to the heavy-handed editing’s will. Not any time soon, anyway. If we want to root for Shane’s piece of wood, or his Thinking Rock (both of which have had more and better lines than Melinda, Ruth Marie, Bobby and Nick, combined), then that’s what we’ll do, dammit! Besides, we predict the Thinking Rock will outlast every castmember, even the final two. So there. Unless he decides to sell it (or several thousand reasonable facsimiles) on eBay, of course.

Nonetheless, we suppose we should get around to “recapping” the, uh, “action” from this week. It was an episode unlike any other: the Great Terry won immunity. Aras did some yoga. Shane acted crazy (remarkably, this occurred when a camera was present… what are the odds?). Cirie giggled about several things. Courtney got in an argument with someone. And Danielle largely hung around in the background, appearing vaguely grumpy about something or other. Oh, and Terry managed to win both a beachfront feast, AND (just in time for the annual summer gas price hike) an All-American, gas-guzzling vehicle (possibly manufactured in another country). Whew! Who could have predicted such an unlikely series of events?

But don’t get us wrong, there were some novel developments. For instance, since Sally had already been booted, the producers decided to let the contestants have their fishing spear back. Except that the producers decided that a spear wouldn’t fit the symbolism of the ending 15 minutes of the show, so they forced poor Cirie to use an old-fashioned hook, line, and smashed-snail sinker to reel in the catch of the day. (But it’s okay, they helpfully placed a fish on the hook after they got the footage of her squealing about the snail innards). To show her appreciation, Cirie decided to serve her catch with a delicious sand and dirt dry rub. Mmmm.

Our special tonight is a pan-seared, leaf- and twig-encrusted snapper in a mud sauce. Enjoy!

All of this was, of course, a buildup for the climax of the show: Cirie then succeeded at fishing of another kind, somehow managing to pull off one of history’s most extensive vote-rigging schemes, at least in balloting not performed on Diebold machines.

Perhaps she got lucky: past attempts to split votes 3-2-1 have failed, possibly because your average contestant needs to be reassured that three votes is actually enough to win, as long as the other three split their votes: “No really, we don’t need four votes! Here, let me show you this again. Pretend we’re these three leaves. Those two rocks will be the votes against [Contestant X], and this stick will be the vote against [Contestant Y].” “Wait, I thought the stick was [Contestant X]?” “It doesn’t matter! We’ve been through this fifteen times! Oh, fine. Screw it. Just vote me out. I can’t take this any more.” We’re guessing either Aras and Danielle are smarter than the average contestant, or, more likely, Cirie just didn’t bother explaining the math to them.

We regret to inform you that this week’s Survivor: Panama - Exile Island recap suddenly took ill, at the worst time possible (right in the middle of the creative process - which usually involves sitting around, doing other things, and occasionally thinking… hmm, maybe someone ought to write a recap), and was removed from our otherwise complete set of utterly useless approximations of what didn’t really happen on the show.

Don’t worry, after a few days (Has it been seven already? Yikes!) of observation in intensive care, we’re pretty sure the recap will make it through, although it’s likely to be in the form of what you see here. Which, when you think about it, is a damn sight closer to an actual recap than we usually provide.

You’re welcome!

Coming up next week: Science reveals that one of the four accepted dimensions is, in fact, a figment of our imaginations. Stop by as we reveal which one! (Hint: If you’re invested in Z-axis stocks, this might be a good time to re-evaluate your portfolio).

In lieu of writing a full recap for the ninth non-clipshow episode of Survivor: Panama - Exile Island, we instead offer you “A Closer Look” (with pictures!) at what really happened in (part of) the Immunity Challenge. Because (1) nobody’s going to read this, anyway, and (2) even fewer people than that are going to read it, because it aired almost a full week ago. With that in mind, we join the show, already in progress.

Maitre d’ Jeff Probst: Good afternoon, non-participating Casaya members! And how are we today? I feel I should warn you: while you’re free to eat all the burgers, fries and Coke you can stuff down…
Casayas: [muffled sounds of eating]

Probst: Wait! I said, there’s a twist! And it is: while you eat, you’ll have to sit there while I regale you with endless stories about the brilliance of the Exile Island twist, along with that delectable immunity hidden idol. How’s that sound?
Shane: Better…
Probst: Better?
Shane: Better get a bucket, Probst. Oh, and about a case or two of Marlboros. That was part of the deal for sitting this out, right?

Probst (after disappearing briefly): I’m sorry sir, I’ve checked back in the kitchen, and it appears we’ve just run out of Marlboros.
Shane: Oh well, fuck it then. I guess I might be able to get something if I smoke these fries.

Probst: As you wish, sir. Now, can I please get your opinions of Exile Island, and the hidden immunity idol? Please talk as long as you can, because we’ll probably need to edit your quotes into several episodes when the show airs, so that we can manufacture some suspense into painfully dull episodes like this one.
Cirie: Can’t talk… eating.

Probst: Anyone? Anyone? Silent Bruce? Sideshow Courtney? No? How about you, Danielle? You’ve been nothing if not chatty since you hit the beach!
Danielle: [Looks away, pulls cap lower, keeps eating].

Probst: Okay, then. I’ll just give you my opinion, which is of course the most important one. Perhaps you’ll enjoy commenting afterwards. Seriously, I think this is the best twist we’ve ever come up with, at least since “All-Stars.” And like that one, this one lets us film again in Panama. Isn’t that great? Plus, even though we’ve done individual exile on another island and finding hidden idols on other editions of the show, we’ve never done them together! Aren’t we brilliant and creative? And it’s worked out far better than that twin swap we tried in Guatemala, but had to edit out when Stephenie sleep-ate Ramie Newton after we let her take some Ambien!
Casayas: [Munching and gulping sounds, scuffles ensue as they reach for more food].

[Note: This actually dragged on for several hours, as Terry, Aras and Sally had to go back into the water repeatedly after failing to correctly assemble their puzzles. Eventually, all the Casayas except Shane pushed themselves away from the table. Still hungry, but unable to endure another second of Probst’s self-congratulatory monologue. In the end, only Shane remained, still stuffing his face. The other Casayas were huddled on the sand, desperately trying to block the sound from entering their ears. Bruce rocked back and forth on the beach, seemingly catatonic. But Probst continued on, oblivious].

Probst: …and the best part is, the way it’s changed the game! Used to be, one tribe would dominate at the merge, and they’d pick off the minority tribe, until the annoying people on their own tribe pissed them off too much. Now it’s different!
Shane: [interrupting] Come on Probst, nobody believes that! I mean, even those idiot internet spoilers can probably figure out the boot this episode: if Sally wins here, it’s Terry. If Terry wins here, which he will, it’s Sally. Duh! Oh, and we’re out of burgers. Fire me up some more, will ya? But please, no more of your jibber-jabber.

Probst: Very well. Your burger sir. But please, allow me to give you one more, wafer-thin insight into our brilliant manipulation of the game with this twist.
Shane: Look - I couldn’t hear another thing. I’m absolutely stuffed. Bugger off.

Probst: Oh sir, just… just one…
Shane: Oh all right. Just one.
Probst: Just the one, sir… voila… bon appetit… Have I mentioned how people have complained to me that this twist has changed the game too much?
Shane: [Explodes]

Disclaimer: We regret to inform you that no contestants or hosts of Survivor were actually injured in the filming of this episode, although multiple brain cells were almost certainly damaged in the writing and reading of this recap. Stay in school, kids!

Was there another episode of Survivor last week? Oops, silly us, we must have been expecting another three-week layoff again. Since CBS is trying desperately to use dog-whistle advertising (”Watch Terry battle the Others! Only on CBS!”) to coax unsuspecting Lost viewers into watching Survivor: Panama - Exile Island, we assumed they had just switched over to the typical Lost scheduling practice of one new episode per month.

So, let’s go review what the DVR saved for us here. Okay… there’s Austin, talking about how he’s going to be the next out, and everyone on Casaya hushedly plotting to make it so. All right, let’s fast forward a bit… challenge… food… rain… another challenge… Terry wins immunity yet again… tribal council. Right, here’s Probst with the votes. They’re voting for Aras over Shane? Okay, whatever. Crazy La Minas. And, Austin is voted out. Ho hum. Are you sure you want to delete? Hmm… yes!

Hold on, we’re now getting word that there may have been more to the episode than we got out of our four-minute survey. Something about Terry offering the hidden immunity idol to people, who apparently laughed in his face and voted for Austin, anyway. Didn’t the last episode pretty much establish that Terry made a great career move when he chose being a pilot over sales? Oh, right. That must be what the episode title, “The Power of the Idol,” was all about. We had just assumed that CBS was raising the white flag in their battle with FOX for the under-25 demographic.

Then again, what was the power of the idol, exactly? Let us count its many apparent powers:

(1) CBS had a shiny new sales pitch for Jeff Probst to deliver, pre-show. Come see our exciting new concept, Exile Island! Never before used, except in Palau! And there’s a hidden immunity idol! Somebody will find it and never use it! But we’ll keep sending people back to super-exciting Exile Island! Look, shivering, starving people! Isn’t this great! It sure is! Hey, let’s drop the word “Panama” from the series title, and name it after this, instead!

Except, of course, that the whole “scenes from Exile Island” concept has pretty much turned into an afterthought ever since Terry found the idol. Much like the tailies on Lost, once they reached the other castaways’ camp. Hey look! New castaways! Aren’t they great? Okay, let’s not show them any more.

(2) The idol does give CBS an exciting new twist to use in hyping otherwise entirely suspense-free episodes such as this one. Before, the ad producers had to resort to lame, transparently bogus teases like “Tune in this week, as Terry tries to convince the Casayas to switch to his side!” Now they can use new-and-improved mantra of “Tune in this week, as Terry tries to use the hidden idol to convince the Casayas to switch to his side!” You can see how your life has been dramatically changed for the better because of this.

(3) And best of all, it allows the editing of the actual episodes to create suspense where there really isn’t any (as Austin even admitted in his post-boot interviews). Will Aras make it through tribal council, or get done in by the hidden idol? Oh.My.God! Bruce is voting for someone whose name starts with an “A”! Of course, as spoilerphobic fans have complained repeatedly, way back in the post-Ep6 preview CBS showed Aras and Terry competing in a challenge that has yet to be seen, which sort of ruined the attempted suspense. Not that we’re complaining, CBS! We’re spoilerphiles, we swear! Bring it on!

So anyway, yeah, unless there is some sort of voodoo rainmaking prowess associated with the hidden idol that we’re not aware of, we remain a bit less than impressed with its alleged powers. The potential for mucking up the game does count for something we’ll admit, and it sure as hell does make the show more watchable than the multihour chalkboard/fingernails experience that’s propping up FOX’s ratings at the moment.

Then again, the same can be said for almost any show, in theory. Eh, screw it. Maybe we’ll just start watching ESPN2’s Viking: The Ultimate Obstacle Course Challenge full-time instead. There really isn’t much that can beat a seemingly endless series of chipper, determined, occasionally amusingly-dressed, athletic Japanese people bouncing off incredibly difficult moving hazards, and one-by-one having their dreams of success extinguished as they splash into the chilly water below. Maybe Survivor should just encourage their contestants to wear tutus for challenges. Survivor 13: Wacky Costume Challenge? We’d probably watch that. Once, at least.

Survivor: Panama - Exile Island returned to the air after a three-week benching this week. Or, perhaps more accurately, last week. This was, of course, news to the people who run the show’s official CBS site, who seemed convinced, up until the day of the show, that the next episode would be a special recap/clip show, scheduled to air two weeks in the past.

Long calendrical gaps with no new content are common with scripted shows like Lost (although not with scripted shows that are intelligently scheduled, such as 24). But for some reason, this is uncommon for reality shows. One reason, in Lost’s case, is that the show is sufficiently well-written (most of the time), that the wait actually builds suspense for a new hour-long episode, which when aired, toys with your now-entrenched preconceptions of the narrative’s direction (not so much in Season 2 of Lost, but hey, it happens occasionally). With a reality show, a nearly month-long break generally means one season has ended and another, almost identical to the last, with only the castmembers altered, is starting up. Or in Survivor’s case, you may just wish that.

So anyway, Survivor did come back, and if you were re-evaluating your commitment to seeing the Panama - Exile Island season all the way through, well… let’s just say this particular episode should have nudged you in one direction or the other. When last seen, the show was promising Helicopters! Boats! Life-and-death removal of contestants on stretchers! What it delivered was… a bunch of people sitting around, united-yet-divided, and occasionally arguing with each other. Although there was some variety, as they also ate, slept, and decided to (very briefly, for the most part) hang from a bar. Try scripting that, J.J. Abrams!

Apart from that, the main event seemed to be naming the new tribe. Terry, demonstrating the gift for thoughtful, democratic leadership he’s displayed thus far, ignored everyone’s suggestions, and named the new tribe La Masaya, which combined the two former tribe names, La Mina and Casaya. It was also, he claimed, Spanish for “the Messiah,” because he felt the tribe needed to be named after himself, and he thought “The Terry-tory” might be seen as a bit too punny. He then ordered Silent Bruce to get to work painting his portrait for the multiple flags they would hang around camp, celebrating the many hours of the Great Terry’s benevolent reign.

Shortly thereafter, the former Casaya members got together and counted on Shane’s fingers, to prove to themselves that they actually outnumbered Terry. A bloody revolt followed, in which Silent Bruce was brutally attacked with a machete by hostile La Mina security forces. But the heroic Casaya revolutionaries eventually seized prevailed, and in short order re-christened the tribe “Chaboga Mogo.” From atop his Thinking Rock perch, Shane announced the new political order to thunderous applause, promising to bring order, prosperity, and much-needed rains to feed the tribe’s parched coca crops in time for the fall harvest. He also pledged to rid the tribe of all the “fat chicks” from the former La Mina Ruling Party.

Camp life was thrown for a loop, however, when a blue-ribbon census commission revealed there were, in fact, no portly La Mina women to remove. Also, the producers objected to the name “Chaboga Mogo,” saying it was both “the stupidest name we’ve ever heard of,” and “bad karma, man.” Which was somewhat surprising, as the producers had not objected to the Great Terry’s proclamation that the women of the tribe, particularly Sally, Courtney and Danielle, were to be seen, and not heard.

Eventually, the tribe decided the only sane thing to do was to name themselves after a moderately popular brand of ’80s designer jeans. The CBS legal team was immediately brought in, over concerns about potential copyright infringement for buff sales at the CBS store, but eventually an opinion was issued, concluding forthwith that: I. Nobody remembered the name; II. Nobody was likely to buy any buffs if they looked like a crappier version of the last merged buff from a regular series filmed in the Pearl Islands; III. Obsolete companies never sue over that sort of thing; and IV. Demand for buffs could further be diminished by inserting a three-week gap into the airing of this series, and editing this and all future episodes into boring snoozefests. Or by putting an ’s’ at the end of the tribe name. One of the two.

Satisfied with this opinion, the producers gave the contestants the green light to go ahead and get back to whatever it was they were doing, which turned out to be sitting around. Terry passed the time by cleverly trying to trick the Casayas into making him their Lord and Master again, with masterful entreaties such as, “Come on, I’ll let you polish my throne,” and “I promise not to execute you immediately after assuming power.” But sadly, the Casayas were deaf to Terry’s pleas, sated as they were with their dreams of middling ’80s designer jean success.

And so they proceeded to hand an immunity victory to Terry, then wander off to vote out some previously unseen guy named Nick, who was apparently planted by CBS at some point during the episode, enabling such welcome, unseen developments such as the saving of Sally, and enabling Terry to keep his secret Exile Island immunity idol stashed away for yet another week. In short, if you loved the results of this week’s episode, you’re sure to enjoy next week’s, as well. Possibly with fewer slo-mo replays of unseen, off-camera machete injuries.

So Survivor: Panama - Exile Island had another episode this week, which not very many people watched. But before we tell you about it… in our continuing efforts to passively ingratiate ourselves to our desired masters at CBS (now really, who wouldn’t want to see Crappy’s shining fixtures replacing “Ralph” on the CBS Survivor blog?), we’ll attempt to “explain” why CBS thought that was a “tribal council like never before.”

- There had “never before” been an all-male tribal council with only four tribe members. That’s a pretty rare and exciting thing, especially for Probst. Sadly, none of them were Colby Donaldson.
- There was the minor problem where for about half an hour or so, Nick or Austin quit the game, because he had some sand lodged in his eye, and the medical crew refused to let him have some saline. Apparently, he felt that it was worth quitting, because he didn’t feel like wearing an eyepatch, and having to yell things like “Yar!” all the time, just for the privilege of having been on Survivor. Silly, ungrateful model/actors! Okay, yeah. People (frequently model/actors) have quit the game before. But how many times has one of them quit the game, returned to it, then voted out an astronaut? Oh… right. They edited most of that out. Whoops.
- After all these dead ends, we thought maybe CBS had been thinking of some lame ’80s Disney movie named Never Before, which this tribal council in some way resembled. But after checking IMDb, it appears there was never actually such an atrocity committed against filmmaking. Plenty of others, of course, just not one with that title. According to Google, however, there is some Deep Purple song named “Never Before.” We’d ponder the significance of this, perhaps even link you to the lyrics, but the less time people spend thinking about Deep Purple, the better.

So since we’re back where we started, and no closer to an answer to the many mysteries of claims made in CBS hype, we might as well get on with it. Clearly, the “never before” must have actually been the first 20 minutes or so of the show, which featured a review of the previous episode (which did indeed include a tribal council, which had “never before” been rehashed on the air, except on last Firday’s The Early Show… close enough?), people starving and/or eating beans at La Mina (they’ve never been shown both starving AND eating beans at the same time), and of course, Shane fighting with Danielle at Casaya (never before shown in exciting Nightvision, complete with subtitles!). See CBS, we know you’d never lie! And we’re not afraid to convince the viewing public of it! (As long as you pay us, handsomely, cough… cough).

Someday, CBS may come to their senses. And if they do, this is what you’ll see. *sniff* We’re also available to replace Stephenie, if you’d prefer.

Wait, maybe there was something marginally novel in the first 20 minutes: We were introduced to a strapping young fellow named Barry or Jerry, or something. (After checking the CBS site, it appears his name is actually “Dan”). Anyway, everybody on La Mina really, really likes this Dan guy, especially after he let them in on his big “secret,” which is that he’s an astronaut. Of course, he also had to explain to them what an astronaut is, since most Americans have never heard of any of them, except maybe Neil Armstrong, and of course, Tom Hanks, Luke Skywalker, and that guy Dave in 2001: A Space Odyssey. And for good reason: Who can keep track of trivial details like “Who first walked on the moon?” or “Who was the first man in space?”, or “What was the X Prize for? (hint: not porn)” when there are 24 semifinalists on American Idol to learn the names of each season?

Anyway, Dan told this “astronaut” story to some other tall, skinny guy we don’t recognize (Rick? Yorick? Asterisk? Aw hell, we don’t know, but it doesn’t matter, he wasn’t shown again for the rest of the show), and the story spread like wildfire through the La Mina camp. Which, as with most wildfires, is not a good thing. As Austin, in a confessional, began to openly question whether additional deities to the Great Terry might exist, the daily thunderstorm rolled in, and as a lightning bolt struck La Mina’s shelter, Terry bellowed “Thou shalt worship no false idols but me!”

Terry thought about amending that, but Austin and Nick were still busy trying to figure out what the big words (”thou” and “shalt”) meant, and at that point, the treemail came, inviting the tribe to a combined reward/immunity challenge. So instead, Terry put on his “Joe Torre hat,” and gave a rousing speech to the tribe, ending with: “Let’s go out and show Casaya what we’re made of, like the Yankees in Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS!” Like never before, indeed!

Speaking of “like never before,” the challenge was… a puzzle. Although it did also involve… knots. And running. Bet you never thought you’d see that on Survivor! Surprisingly, the contestants were required neither to untie the puzzle pieces underwater, nor dig them out of sand. As usual, the Great Terry singlehandedly led La Mina to an insurmountable lead, until he was forced to allow Astronaut Dan and Sally the Covert Casaya Sympathizer to take over the puzzle-handling duties. As these two sprung into action (in the sense that Dan resembles a spring, which is, largely, not at all), Casaya slowly got around to collecting their pieces, performed a stirring interpretive dance/ karate routine, were led by Aras in a thrilling yoga power-focusing exercise, used this power to set fire to their puzzle pieces, collected four rocks and chiseled them back into puzzle piece shape, decorated them with the ashes of the original pieces, and then finally placed them correctly in the puzzle. It was a close and stirring finish though, as La Mina managed to place exactly zero pieces in the interim.

What followed could be told in a series of searing still images (which we do below, anyway, but for the sake of padding we will describe here): Casaya erupted into ecstatic leaps at the prospect of living with Shane for three more days; Dan collapsed in grief, knowing he would not be allowed to play with the hula hoop reward; and Sally was all wink-wink, nudge-nudge, say-no-more smiles at being selected to escape from her La Mini Sausage tribemates, at least until she was handed a map to the hidden immunity idol in which the entire Exile Island had been crossed out, with the legend, “It’s not here. Feel free to look in the ocean, but it’s not there, either.”

“All is lost! Now I shall never be able to test the ability of humans to hula hoop in zero gravity!”	“Hooray! I’m for the other team!”

Casaya got to take some gaudy toys and trinkets to a local Panamanian fishing village, in exchange for which they all received enough food to feed the entire population of India three times over, Shane got just enough nicotine (which works out to be approximately twelve cartons of Marlboros) to apologize to Danielle, and Danielle consumed just enough alcohol (two cases of beer) to accept Shane’s apology. The natural result of all this was, of course, cockfights. Surprisingly, those did not appear to involve Shane, although it’s possible he was just out of camera range. They were sent home shortly after Silent Bruce started boring the children with his karate moves.

So all that was left was the minor matter of La Mina being forced to vote out one of their men. Which, as always, required a Proclamation from the Great Terry. And as with all deity-based decisions, it was thoroughly logical. Since the Great Terry had a solid, unbreakable Final Two pact with Dan, and since the previous day, Austin and Nick had spent the night creating fragrant fountains of vomit and diarrhea, Dan had to go. But at least they did it with class, telling him “the Great Terry has decided, so your ‘arguments’ and ‘reasoning’ are futile.” And they did stand up when he was voted out. Nobody saved him a hula hoop, though. That would have made it all better.

But anyway, tune in next week, for another episode “like never before,” in which CBS revisits the first 15 days of the starvation and the puking. But they claim they will deign to air footage they snipped the first time through in favor of more commercials for The Unit and TAR9, such as the “snake dinner” they promised in the title of Ep3, but thoroughly failed to deliver. Maybe they’ll even show how La Mina actually won the floating puzzle reward challenge the first time they ran it, in the episode where Terry found the hidden immunity idol. Nah, probably not.

Episode five of Survivor: Panama - Exile Island opened with some Completely Unscripted Dialogue (CUD, in reality show-writing parlance) at the clearly “grieving” La Mina beach. Thanks to the magic of Spoilervision, we can now take you behind the scenes.

Sally and Nick were asked to walk along the beach, and discuss their innermost feelings with each other. “Golly…” (Sally paused to look at the strategically concealed name tag on the side of Nick’s head) “… ‘Nick.’” Sally paused again, squinting at the cue card. “I sure do miss Ruth Marie.” Nick, exuding the natural charisma and screen-grabbing presence that got him on the show in the first place, concurred. “Yes, uh… Sally. I really do miss, uh… Ru… Ralph? Murray?”

“Cut!” sighed the off-camera producer, “Can I get someone to write the cue cards out phonetically for these guys?” And after only forty-two more takes, the scene was in the can. Later, the executive producers would rate this riveting scene as a “home run!” Which means of course that, while those camera crews and cue cards don’t come cheap, at least they finished filming this “early morning scene” while it was still light, and didn’t have to spend extra on nightvision.

How about that? It’s this kind of unparalleled insight, coupled with brisk, largely comma-, hyphen- and parenthesis-free writing that we here at Crappy the Smart-Assed Toilet are happy to provide for you with our fine new product, Spoilervision*. All for the low, low price of… wait, we’ll get to that later. (* Note: Spoilervision is generally only accurate after the show has actually aired. Then again, looking back at our DVR copy, maybe not even then).

In other matters, the peace-loving Casaya tribe decided to use their allotted camera time for an extended discourse on the relative benefits of Yoga and Zen. As with all discussions at Casaya, particularly those in which principles of non-violence are at the core, this was not unlike an episode of Jerry Springer, except that the L.A.-area model/actors didn’t bother to fake Southern trailer-park accents, and there were fewer bouncers (but on the plus side, more machetes).

Sadly, Shane was busy on a smoking break (actually, auditioning for another reality show, but his time sheet claimed it was a smoking break, so that’s the official CBS line) when this was filmed, so designated yelling duties had to be split between Aras and, regretably, Silent Bruce. As with most Hollywood productions, Bobby was passed over for a lead role in the conflict, despite an audition that he completely nailed, several large piles of recommendation letters from noted African-American writers and directors, and a pre-show highlight reel of choice quotes that had already racked up download records at the iTunes music store. In protest, Bobby continued sleeping. Courtney took his spot in the production, giving a largely silent performance that was nonetheless highly praised by the critics.

Somewhere in here, Probst called the tribes together for a frank assessment of their likelihood of continued survival. “Okay, here’s the deal guys. It’s day 12, and none of you have even come close to finding food, except for Tina, but we planted that one so that she wouldn’t get the first boot. So here’s what we’re gonna do: We’ll give you the food, but since we forgot to design a challenge for today, we’ll make you stand on these mats and hand it to each other, so it looks like you’re doing a ‘challenge.’ La Mina, because you haven’t been reading your cue cards with very much enthusiasm, you have to lose this one. Sorry guys, we just can’t wait to see what we’re gonna get out of these Casaya guys once we liquor them up. Oh, and Terry, you’ll have to go to Exile Island again. Since you already have the idol, there isn’t much point this time, so uh… sorry about that. But we’ll give you a t-shirt with my picture on it as a consolation prize. Better luck next time, buddy.”

Casaya dutifully carried out their end of the bargain, although there was a brief panic when they discovered that Silent Bruce was far less lethal with a dull meat cleaver than with his trusty machete. Around this time, there was a minor revolt in the production staff, as one of the camera crews refused to go back to La Mina camp, citing a complete lack of interesting events to film. “They all sit around praying, being nice to each other, and telling Terry how great he is. It’s like a cult. A cult based on Little House on the Prairie.” Probst tried to defuse the situation: “Don’t worry, we’ve uh… taken care of it. We’re sure you’ll be… ‘running’ around in excitement in no time. In fact, I’ve never uh, ‘bean’ more sure.” Unfortunately, Probst strained a facial muscle with his winking and nodding, but he was quickly patched up by medical, and at least the crew was convinced.

What followed was a blur of wine, uncooked meat, flood waters, Charmin, and Dawgs sleeping with men. When the fog lifted, however, Courtney was somewhat incensed that Bobby and Bruce had split the last bottle of white wine between them. “How dare you?!” She screeched. “Danielle and I got up early to split that, dammit! Surely we deserve more than you, since we had to sit through that whole boring ‘challenge,’ and while you were taking your sweet time winning it. Bastard! How do you feel now, huh?” Without missing a beat, Bobby told her, “Uh, hung over? Naw, just kidding. I’m still drunk.”

Okay, time for another Spoilervision exclusive: Over at La Mina camp, the tribe was beginning to lose their faith, having spent a full day praying for Terry to send them a sign, telling them how to cook their dried beans. Nick had proposed impaling them on really small sticks, and roasting them over the fire. As soon as Terry got back to tell them how to build one. Austin proposed slicing them in half with the machete, and frying them in the hot sun. Eventually, the cameramen broke down, and told the tribe that Terry had come to them in a vision, saying “You must boil them in the pot, with water. But not for very long. That might destroy the toxins we laced them with.” Sadly, the tribe was so busy kneeling, bowing, and screaming wails of great joy at word of the Great Terry, they missed the last sentence.

Something around here smells an awful lot like Emmys!

This worked out pretty well for the crew, as it turned out. Somewhere between Nick’s fifth and Austin’s sixth vomit/ diarrhea excursion, the various crewmembers exchanged high fives. “Yeah! Now we’re sure to kick Amazing Race’s butt at the Emmy’s this year! It’s a slam dunk!” One of the cameramen had been following Austin out as he raced to his favorite vomit/ diarrhea spot, but was called back to take part in a celebratory bottle of champagne with the rest of the crew. Sadly, that was the time that Austin managed to both vomit and spew diarrhea at the same time. Had they caught it on film, that would have been a surefire Emmy-winning moment for reality TV. Better luck next year, boys.

Eventually the tribes reassembled to hear about the immunity challenge. After La Mina had completed their ritual 30-minute annointing and praising of the Great Terry, Probst explained how it worked. “Basically, it’s different from all our other challenges, because it’s a race, but it also has water, and puzzles! You’ve never seen that before! Casaya, because the merge is getting close and you have two extra members, your puzzle pieces will be tethered 30 feet further below the surface than La Mina’s, and we may have ‘lost’ a piece or two of your final puzzle. Good luck with that. Oh, and please don’t boot anyone who’s entertaining. God (and the Great Terry - my apologies, La Mina) knows we don’t want another Thailand.”

And as had been foretold, on the Third Day, the Great Terry arose from Exile Island, and single-handedly carried La Mina to another victory. The production staff was not especially pleased about this development, but they quieted down after Probst reminded them that there were still more beans back at camp.

Back at Casaya, thanks to quick, logical thinking, a consensus for voting was quickly reached. The tribe decided only to vote for people who had (a) spent enough time on Exile Island to find the hidden immunity idol three or four times, and/or (b) had won at least two challenges for the tribe largely on their own. This worked well, except for Shane, who had misunderstood and thought the rule was “Vote for someone in your alliance,” and for Bruce, who thought they’d agreed to “Vote for whomever you damn well feel like.”

Somehow, in all the mayhem, someone ended up with the most votes. We’ll say it was Bobby, because he showed up on the Early Show the next day. We could check the Spoilervision feed, but apparently the people working that got distracted by several bottles of free wine towards the end of the show. Unfortunate, yes. But at least they aren’t still stuck with La Mina. But ignoring that, back to the price of our exciting product: Now how much would you pay? But wait, there’s more!

Oh wait, no there’s not. And yeah, we understand. CBS wouldn’t pay us anything for it, either.

We’re pleased to report that the two-week SPEIOCHC is over. The opening credits have been returned unharmed, although slightly altered from the experience (poor La Mina has 7-9 disadvantage in numbers). We’re not sure what was taken out of the show to make room for the credits, although early intel suggests it’s the characters of Bob Dawg Mason and Ruth Marie Wesson, er, Milliman. To tell the truth, we’ve never actually been huge fans of the opening credits, but we’re still okay with the exchange. As long as no arms were secretly funneled to Iran, of course. Checking… nope, Dan’s arm is still there in the credits. So everything appears to be on the level.

The show started, and several new plot developments erupted in enthusiastic freshness. In one remarkable turn of events, it turns out that the people who haven’t eaten for eight days are a bit hungry. Also, someone who voted with the previous episode’s bootee feels a tad uncomfortable around the tribemates who deceived her. It’s sparkling new story innovations like these that keep Survivor fans coming back season after season. Yes, indeed. And with these innovations out of the way, it was then time for some sort of challenge.

Welcome back, you “One Survivor” Viveros tree, you. Feel free to substitute Guided By Voices’ “I Am A Tree” for the grating theme song while you’re standing there in that pose, okay?

It was a reward challenge, which was, as should have been obvious to any viewer deeply attuned to the show’s voodoo/mysticism theme, a water-based puzzle. That’s because puzzles are at the core of the voodoo worship rituals, which is why, as everyone knows, 90% of the Nobel laureates in Chemistry, Medicine, and Physics have also been high-level voodoo practitioners. And just as naturally, the winner of this challenge received… a toilet. That’s because, well, weekly sponsor Charmin was totally set to give them live chickens for a sacrifice, but after watching one too many TV news reports on AVIAN FLU!!!!, the medical staff vetoed it. So Charmin ended up just tossing in a few rolls of toilet paper, instead.

As you might imagine, one of the tribes won. We can’t exactly remember which, because the challenge, which involved putting pie-shaped wedges into a container - sort of like Trivial Pursuit, except dumbed down enough so that nobody is required to answer any actual questions - sort of put us to sleep. But since the outhouse later turned up in Casaya camp, we’ll say the purple tribe won. Plus that Terry/Tom guy got sent to Exile Island, and we think he’s on the other tribe. Nonetheless, we’re sure the victory was quite dramatic.

Now normally, any group of starving people would be overjoyed to have a bonafide, non-flushable toilet in their camp, right? Well, not so those ingrates on Casaya. Instead of launching into a giddy, flower-filled, all-dancing, all-singing jubilee at their newfound sanitation, from the moment Casaya got back to camp, things went straight into the shitter.

Or at least Bobby did, ruining a perfectly good, family-oriented product placement like toilet paper, by giving a partially off-camera demonstration of what it’s supposed to be used for. You may remember Bobby, or you probably won’t, for his previous roles as “that guy sleeping over there” and “that one guy who the challenge people liked.” Well, anyway, as we mentioned, he apparently neglected to notice that the outhouse’s name was “Casa de Charmin” and not “Casa de Febreze: Noticeables” In his defense, he may have been confused, because Cirie had already eaten the second “C” off of the sign, hoping it was a croissant. But on the plus side, Casaya later re-christened themselves (after Bobby christened the facilities) as “Team Harmin” (which narrowly beat out “Team #2″), and Bobby wasn’t seen for the rest of the show, so it all worked out for the best.

Actually, the real reason for the hubbub over Bobby’s deposit was edited out. It appeared briefly on the CBS site, but was for some reason taken down. Here’s what we remember about it: Courtney, as usual, was pissed off and/or weeping when the satisfied, lighter Bobby returned. “I hope you didn’t use any of the toilet paper,” she screeched. Bobby was a bit confused. “Um… why?” Rolling her eyes, Courtney seethed, “Don’t pretend you don’t know! Danielle had dibs on like two rolls, because she didn’t think her bikini top was tight enough. I need like, at least two rolls for my rhythmic gymnastics show. Bruce had reserved several rolls for his Zen paper arrangement sculpture. And surely you haven’t forgotten that Shane’s thinking rock proposed to him two days ago, and that we need the rest to make veils and gowns for everyone at Shane’s bridal shower tomorrow night?” Bobby thought about it for a while, then finally growled in response, “Don’t call me Shirley.”

Meanwhile, the poor Terry/Tom-less souls on La Mina, not having received any toilet paper, nor signs bearing the letter “C”, were hungry. But help was on its way. Austin, seeing as how well the appellation had worked for the acting careers of Ethan and Bobby Jon, decided to christen himself “Jesus of Nazareth,” and set about turning loaves to fishes. Unfortunately, (1) they didn’t have any loaves, and (2) thanks to Sally, they couldn’t have caught the fishes anyway, if they did have loaves. He thought it might work with leaves, seeing as how they’re only one letter off, but all he got out was toilet paper. Crap! Then he tried it with a few rocks, which did in fact produce a small number of snails. And it was good. While the snails were not particularly tasty, they at least didn’t try to escape very quickly. So La Mina was still, for the most part, pretty damned hungry. Sadly for the tribe, Austin forgot to try the whole water-into-wine thing, because Lord knows, if you’re drunk enough, you forget you’re hungry. But then again, maybe Austin had merely become the revisionist, ultra-conservative Jesus of Nazareth, who turned water into whine, instead. So they were also pretty thirsty, thanks to the newfound lack of water.

In an unfortunate turn of events, Terry/Tom managed to miss all of these festivities, having been sent on an all-expenses paid vacation to Exile Island. Whereas hapless Bruce had received vague clues like “Day 4: It’s somewhere on the island” and “Day 7: It’s not in the ocean”, the producers gave Terry slightly more helpful “hints” to the location of the hidden immunity idol, as in, “It’s under this tree, right here. Under that rock right there. Make sure you bring your machete and/or the secret Exile Island backhoe, because it’s in a box about a foot down.” They had to re-film the “discovery” sequence a few times, because Terry kept ignoring the cameraman’s subtle suggestions, such as “No! Not that rock, you idiot! Try the one with the big red X painted on it!” But in the end, Terry emerged with what appeared to be a string attached to the shrunken head of former contestant Johnny Fairplay, whom Probst had “taken care of” after the past season’s finale party. Despite all appearances, this is allegedly a good thing to have.

Next, there was some sort of immunity challenge, which CBS (while showing the reward challenge) hyped as “the closest challenge ever in Survivor history.” Personally, we think the original marketing pitch, “a bunch of people carrying water in little buckets” might have drawn in a few more viewers, since it sounds like one of those strange Winter Olympic events you didn’t know existed, like “biathlon,” but CBS didn’t ask our opinion. Once again, one of the tribes won, and since we seemed to see a lot of the La Mina people for the rest of the show, we’ll guess it was the purple one again. Again, we’re sure this was very dramatic.

Naturally, since La Mina contained three men, two women, and (according to the CBS web site) someone named Nick who we’re not actually sure is on the show, the only decision possible was which of the two women to boot. Sally, having seen that Misty’s use of the “feminine wiles” tactic hadn’t seemed to work too well on Nick and Austin, opted to go for the “work hard and do well in challenges” strategy, which had previously failed for Tina. Luckily, Sally hadn’t seen that. Ruth Marie, meanwhile, rested comfortably in the assurance that, since she had successfully carried out her IC duty of sitting on a swing for hours, until at last it was time to pull out the pin and raise La Mina’s flag, they weren’t going to tribal council that night.

As it turns out, Ruth Marie was wrong. Or at least as “wrong” as you can be without ever actually speaking on the show (we have used a complex system of facial expression recognition software, neural network simulators, and just plain guessing to discern what Ruth Marie has been “saying”). But they did in fact go to tribal council. Ruth Marie was then voted out, which surprised some viewers, who thought this alleged “Ruth Marie” person might have just been extra footage of Tina Wesson spliced in from Survivor: All Stars. Sadly, we may never know the truth.

And thus endeth another Crappy recap. Should you prefer recaps from people who actually watched the show, or at least can recount it in a fashion that resembles what actually aired, you may want to check out:
- “Recaps by AMAI” at Survivor Sucks (by Sucks poster AllMenAreIslands)
- “Honest Achmed’s Survivor Recaps” at HonestAchmed.com
- or “n00b summaries” by Sucks poster KororShark9.

Or if all else fails, you can read the reactions of a selection of former Survivors at the CBS site’s blog. But you’ll have to find that on your own, because CBS has still failed to hire us to write for that. Come on CBS, just because we were never on the show, don’t really watch it all that carefully, and fail to adequately praise it at almost every opportunity, is that really reason(s) enough to shut us out?

Week two of the Survivor: Panama - Exile Island Opening Credits Hostage Crisis (aka, the SPEIOCHC) has come and gone, with still no word of the whereabouts of the missing credits sequence and theme song. While the captors’ identities have not yet been publicly released, speculation has been rampant on online message boards, with the most popular theory being that the credits were taken captive by a single, mysterious assailant. According to intel posted by longtime spoiler ChillOne, word around the show is that this man’s name is “Chef Gropest,” or a common rhyming equivalent.

In place of the credits, the abductor did leave a 15-minute recap of the previous week’s “highlights,” followed by what appeared to be a ransom note, featuring disjointed flashes of various body parts, such as Dan’s arm. Overall, an extremely ominous development. Worse still, whole sections of the show, from the clues to the hidden idol on Exile Island, to the entire third day of filming, now appear to have disappeared as well. Clearly, this is getting serious: somebody needs to alert Jack Bauer about this terrifying development. Sure, the credits may end up dead in the bloody aftermath, or perhaps innocent bystander CBS shows such as Courting Alex might be exposed to deadly Centox nerve gas, but that’s a risk we’re willing to take. Oh wait, he’s under contract with FOX. Dammit!

This is not to say there wasn’t any new footage on the show, of course. There was a reward challenge of some kind, and as we recall, an immunity challenge. Some sand, some water, and some sandy, wet model/actors getting skinnier (and sandier, and wetter). And naturally, the requisite 5 minutes of yelling by contestant Shane Powers. Then again, we may just be remembering the previous week’s “Next time on Survivor” segment.

Hold on, we do recall one early bit involved a contestant substitution. It appears original contestant “Silent” Bruce Kanegai, who communicated with the outside world solely by chopping things with a machete, seems to have met with an unfortunate fate while on Exile Island, and been removed from the game. In his place, CBS inserted a similarly-clothed gentleman named “Bruce Kanegai, God of Backpacking,” or at least, that’s what he said to his new tribemates at Casaya. And to the cameraman and producer when he gave a confessional that night. And to Jeff Probst the next day. And to the opposing tribe. And to the bushes over there, by the beach. We’re guessing this may be some sort of “Will they notice the difference?” CBS stunt, perhaps like the twin swap idea, used by Big Brother. We’re onto you, CBS! Can’t slip that one past our Crappy viewing habits!

As we said, some kind of reward challenge was shown. It involved… balls. That’s about the extent of the impact it made on the Crappy memory banks. The tribe not containing “Bruce Kanegai, God of Backpacking” won it, and received some exciting blankets and tarps for their efforts. After smiling graciously at their newfound comfort, and politely asking Probst if he had any recipes for blanket stew, or possibly tarp canapes, they then sent “Bruce Kanegai, God of Backpacking” to Exile Island (we’d say “again,” but we’re not fooled, CBS!). Sadly, the God of Backpacking was not seen for the remainder of the episode, so it appears he may have met the same fate as his predecessor, “Silent Bruce,” forcing CBS to stage an emergency casting call for a second replacement “Bruce,” who we imagine we’ll meet next week. Or maybe it’s just that CBS figured that, since they’d already shown a “Bruce” reading the Episode 3 Exile Island clues in the previous episode, repetition was unnecessary. One of the two.

Missing along with the Exile Island footage (maybe it’s that, since the words “Exile Island” are in the title of the show, CBS decided that didn’t really need to take up additional airtime showing it) were most of the scenes of camp life, apart from the usual standbys: People complaining about the rain (as Jeff Probst would chipperly explain to the entertainment press in selling the show prior to Episode 1, “We filmed during the rainy season!”), Shane throwing a tantrum (this time about a “rock” instead of cigarettes, we’re guessing it’s not the kind he was sitting on), people “fishing” (by which we mean, not catching actual fish to eat), and lastly, the young women of La Mina proving that they’re not just “pretty faces” by “pretending” that they’re just “pretty faces” (note: if Sarah from Marquesas can pull this off successfully, we question whether this is really a master strategy, requiring an advanced degree in engineering). Still, if backrubs happen on Survivor, it is apparently part of the contract that they be aired.

With the filler and recaps out of the way, it was eventually time for the immunity challenge. Now, we’re not saying it wasn’t entertaining, but we do question our tastes a bit when the highlight of the show involved grown, otherwise (mostly) sane adults fighting like a bunch of two-year-olds over sandy pillows (that as far as we know, they didn’t even get to keep). We’re guessing that, when he was putting his nose to the grindstone to study for his M.D. (having already gotten an engineering Ph.D.), Dan Barry didn’t say to himself: “Someday I’ll have gone into space three times, and taken four space walks. But what I really want to remembered for is writhing half-naked in the sand with some middle-aged Hollywood addict/scene rat.” Then again, we’re often wrong with predicting Dan Barry’s past activities, so maybe we’re wrong on that, too.

Our ability to discern Dan Barry’s past actions appears to be fairly limited, but we’re still guessing Nick enjoyed his backrub more than Dan did.

That said, there is a certain… poetic beauty? No, that’s not it. Athletic grace? Not quite… hmm, sociopathic amusement? Yeah, that’s it… in seeing the likes of Bobby and Cirie tossing around the scrawny model/actors like rag dolls. And we do have to note that most brilliant strategic move in the entire episode came when the new “Bruce” yelled out, “Sit on her, Cirie!” But seriously, given the choice between some pampered, pouty princess (or worse, prince) twirling around on the ice in hopes of a donut-shaped medal, versus Bobby casually letting a desperate Ruth Marie race to her mat, then at the last second, with no discernible effort on his part, picking her up and plopping her onto the Casaya mat, all to win some stick upon which three fake skulls have been impaled, we’ll take the CBS option every time. Of course, we’d take most anything every time over figure skating, possibly even C-SPAN. Yes, we’re aware that there are these nifty inventions called books, which can be fine substitutes for TV at such moments. But, well, we’re fairly lazy, and we have short attention spans.

Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh right, Survivor. So anyway, following La Mina’s IC loss, the planning for the boot kicked into high gear. Nick, seeing Austin sitting around the fire with the rest of the tribe, ran up to him and yelled out, “Hey Austin, we’re voting out Ruth Marie!” At this, Ruth Marie erupted in a closed-mouth stare, slightly different from her usual stare, and quite possibly signalling “What?” Or maybe, “Her?” Austin, understandably a bit panicked by this reaction, quickly hushed Nick up, and moved him to a more discrete location. It turned out to be a couple of feet away from where they had been sitting, but it’s the “thought” that counts. The cameramen considered moving to the new location, but opted for the optical zoom instead.

Firmly ensconced in their secure patch of sand, Nick and Austin further discussed the boot. “Dude, yeah, I got the boot instructions straight from Misty,” Nick gushed. “Her?” a skeptical Austin asked. “Look Nick, that chick’s been to Exile Island. I think she picked up some sort of disease there… have you seen her arms? I hope you didn’t let her touch you.” Nick pondered this development for several minutes. “Does a back rub count as touching?”

Later, of course, Terry filled the boys in with the correct voting instructions. “Uh, guys, we’re voting for Misty tonight.” Austin was puzzled. “Are you sure? Didn’t Misty say it was Ruth Marie?” “Oh right, sorry, I forgot to tell you: That’s her secret code for ‘Misty’. Those crazy rocket scientists with their anagrams and substitution ciphers! Ha!” Naturally, all those big words merely confused Nick even more: “Dude, what’s a rocket?” Raising an eyebrow, but still preternaturally smooth, Terry eased away, saying in a soothing voice, “So… I’m gonna go ahead and ask that you make sure you write down ‘Misty’ on the card tonight, okay? Thanks… that would be great… right….”

Since they’d already announced to the audience their intention to vote out Misty, La Mina’s trip to Tribal Council was relatively uneventful, apart from a brief contretemps between Austin and Probst over La Mina’s missing weapon of mass fishing. Probst chided Austin: “So I hear that after your boastful claims about removing from the waters of La Mina all traces of edible fish, you guys now have no clue where the Hawaiian sling is?” Austin replied, tersely: “We know exactly where the spear is.” Probst was undaunted: “No, really, I saw it on the dailies, and we’ve already edited the previous episode, and it’s the centerpiece of the show. Sally threw it in the ocean.” Austin was defensive: “If I answered that, it would give away valuable information to our enemies, which include the fish, the other tribe, any members of this tribe who will get switched to the other tribe in coming episodes, and Michael Moore.” “Michael Moore?” “Yeah, I just hate that guy.” Probst had had enough with the evasive answering, “Okay, whatever. Let’s get on with voting Misty out, so I can get back to my hotel, where I’ll be washing down my twelve-course meal with a variety of fine wines and other beverages, followed by a shower, and some pleasuring from my girlfriend who’s half my age.”

And so they did. Tune in next week, where, if you’re lucky, you can look forward to more yelling from Shane, more rain, and more complaining about food. And if we’re lucky, no ice skating. We have a good feeling we’ll be lucky this time.

If you’re like tens of Americans, you find yourself on Friday, perhaps standing around the “water cooler,” trying to remember what happened this week on Survivor. Sure, you could find out the answers in painfully easy ways, like actually watching the show. Or maybe reading about it at the official CBS site, or surprisingly (particularly to the CBS media relations people), at, uh, the not-CBS site. Or you could even support CBS’s feeble attempt to undercut the iTunes Music Store, by “renting” a crappy copy of the show for 24 hours, all for the low, low price ($1.99) you’d pay to buy it (forever) from Apple. But please don’t, it would only encourage them. Instead, throw out your old-media habits, and stop supporting methods that only tell you how it “really” happened, and start reading below, where Crappy’ll tell you how it “realityly” happened.

It was apparently belt-tightening week at CBS for the second episode of Survivor: Panama - Exile Island. To free up some much-needed cash, America’s #1 network replaced the first half hour of the show with a Jeff Probst-narrated recap of the first episode. Even the opening credits were pared back to the bare minimum: a few seconds of tribal chanting and out. Everything must go!

In a further attempt to cut costs, alleged contestants Bobby “Bob Dawg” Mason and Ruth Marie “Tina Wesson” Milliman did not appear in this episode. We thought we might have seen them during the tribal pick, but that was probably just their Dream Team stand-ins. Perhaps they were secretly exiled. Regardless, we’re told by our sources deep within CBS that the money saved by not filming them was, as always, put directly back into the brilliant, comedic genius writing of Yes Dear, The King of Queens, and Two-and-a-Half Men. That and Les Moonves and Julie Chen’s personal Love Shack slush fund. Whoops, we weren’t supposed to mention that part. Oh well, nobody reads this, anyway.

Further savings were realized as the tribes were trimmed from four to two. This one wasn’t entirely for money, as the two extra camera crews were needed back in the States to shoot the genre-busting, spectacularly original new CBS realebrity series, Playing Badminton with the Former Cast of Punky Brewster. Again, according to our CBS flies on the wall, Moonves is convinced that this birdie-smashing entry is going to wallop the crap out of American Idol in the ratings, and force FOX to merge with the CW. You sure know how to pick ‘em, Les!

To save on twist-writing, the tribal shuffle was recycled from Palau, with captains Terry “Tom Westman” Deitz and Danielle “Stephenie, Yet Again” DiLorenzo initiating a schoolyard pick’em. Danielle kicked off the festivities by selecting Shane “Krusty the Klown” Powers, saying “That’s a wicked awesome Sawx tattoo ya got theah.” Shane hugged her, then sobbed, “No! Boston’s my dear, dear son, who I occasionally see when there aren’t Hollywood parties to attend, or reality show auditions.” As Danielle looked imploringly back at Probst and started to ask, “Uh, can I put this one back?”, Shane suddenly spotted a cameraman innocently lighting up a Marlboro. Whipping across the clearing with near-light speed, Shane hoisted the guy up by his lapels, bellowing an otherworldly howl: “Give me that and I will allow you to live!”

But sadly, as Shane thrust the entire pack of cigarettes into his mouth, lit them and started to inhale, he was tackled by SEG security. Probst gently reminded him, “While we do try to withhold as much food and medication as possible to keep you guys cranky, you’re really not supposed to touch the crew.” Eventually, Shane’s screams and thrashing were subdued by medical personnel, who applied Nicoderm CQ patches to every square inch of Shane’s body, although they later decided to remove the one covering his mouth, because people who could snap at any moment usually make for good sound bites. Chastened, Shane returned to his tribe, and the picking resumed with his selection of “Sideshow” Courtney Marit. From there followed Aras and Cirie, confirming that “Casaya” is Spanish for “some kind of nut.” The other tribe self-selected a bunch of eggheads and boring old people. As punishment, they were not given much camera time for the rest of the show.

Last, and apparently least, was Silent Bruce Kanegai, who it turns out is actually capable of speech, as long as he’s not holding a machete. Probst turned to him, arched an eyebrow, and solemnly intoned, “Bruce, I’m sorry to inform you, you’re the last to arrive.” After pausing for dramatic effect, he continued, “What are you going to do now?” Inexplicably, Bruce erupted in a chorus of whoops, handsprings, and backflips: “I’m going to Disneyworld! Woo-hoo!” Confused, Probst backpedaled, “Well, I was kidding before, but actually, you’re getting Exiled.” Bruce responded, rather half-heartedly, “Woo…?” Pleased to once again be dispensing pain, Probst continued, “Actually, it’s just a money-saving thing again. You get a bye for this episode, and we’ll just splice in some footage from your pre-game interview, and pretend it’s Exile Island. Nobody will be the wiser. Grab some smokes on your way out and see you in a few days.”

The many moods of Shane Powers
Jonesing	Craving	Needing a fix

From there, a competition of some kind followed, notable only in that it did not involve Bruce Jenner, Kelly Monaco, or Simon Cowell in any way. Wait, hold on. We’ve just been informed that perhaps the reason CBS has thus far (after a full 24 hours! The nerve!) failed to offer us a contract to write for the CBS site’s Survivors Strike Back blog is that there is not a sufficiently excessive level of CBS/SEG asskissery present in our writing. With this in mind, please strike the first sentence from this paragraph (and for that matter the second, third, and the part preceding the colon in the yet-to-be-read fourth). What we meant to say was: Wow, what a reward challenge! We’ve never seen such an amazing use of bamboo, paint, and wooden objects, since, like, ever! And the drama? Oh. My. God! Who could have predicted that, after she announced her mortal fear of leaves in the first episode, Cirie would be forced to conquer that fear in order to win a challenge in the next episode? Amazing! (Well, technically, they didn’t win, but still…). Absolutely the most original obstacle course we’ve seen on this show! Definitely since Guatemala, at least!!!!!

So anyway, as we mentioned, there are two tribes now. La Mina (Spanish for “The Mina”) won the reward, and promptly scuttled back to camp to plot which set of pairs from the original tribes would be the first to stab the others in the back. The two thinking pairs (Terry and Dan, along with Sally and Misty) quickly realized that the best strategy was to recruit the pair of model/actor/waiter/fratboys from the younger men’s tribe, who could be convinced to vote for just about anything simply by promising to hook them up with some free beer, a meeting with their friend who does some casting on the side, and possibly some coupons for 10% off at the CBS commissary in Los Angeles, all after the show ends. Austin and Nick were a bit flummoxed by the sudden attention at first, but quickly decided that (1) they sure could use that 10% coupon, and (2) some of those people offering them coupons had boobs.

To celebrate their newfound alliance, Nick and Sally rowed out to do some “fishing.” Which means, of course, ceremonially burying the Hawaiian sling at sea. Sally did so, then looked over at Nick, “Well, it’s way down there. We’d better go back.” Nick seemed unconvinced, “Are you sure? I think I can touch bottom here.” Sally shook her head, “Oh no, it’s at least three or four feet down there, you’d never get it.” Nick nodded slowly, “Ohhhh, wow. That is deep. Okay, I guess we’d better go back.” Upon reaching the beach, Sally leapt onto the beach, slammed the remaining fishing gear down onto the sand, and commenced to re-enact some of the finer moments of the “Terrell Owens Touchdown Dance Highlights: A Celebration” 12-DVD box set in front of Tom/Terry and his gangly buddy, Ian/Dan. “Ha ha, Terry/Tom!” she shrieked. “We lost the spear! Let’s see you get a shark this time around, now, buddy!” To which Tom/Terry calmly replied, “Well, actually, I used a machete the last time.” Freezing mid-prayer/shuffle, Sally quickly started plotting ways to get Bruce onto the La Mina tribe, to ensure that Terry/Tom would not have access to the machete.

Later, a second challenge was run, also recycled from Palau. Probst described it thusly: “Okay guys, you’re looking at a free lunch here. Since Bruce will be joining whichever tribe loses today, you have a golden opportunity to lose on purpose, and get rid of someone you hate. La Mina, got anyone in mind?” Misty, who hadn’t actually been seen since she was last exiled, piped up: “Oh no, we love everyone! Except Ruth Marie, but that’s okay because she’s not here this week.” Probst then fired the same question over to Casaya. “Anyone on your tribe? I’m looking at you, Shane.” Blinking rapidly and scratching at his skin, Shane replied, “So help me, if you don’t give me a cig right this second, I will kill every motherfucking last one of you!” After a 30-minute break for an emergency patch replacement session, play resumed. Shockingly, the tribe with Tom/Terry won. Apparently, in a flash of creativity, the producers decided to add something called a “zombie head” to the Palau version of the challenge, and the head needed to be set on fire for some reason. Now, maybe we’ve been watching the wrong movies, but to our recollection, zombie heads are usually concerned with finding brains, generally display little interest in fire, and are rarely disembodied. At least until they get attacked by lawnmowers. But again, maybe it’s just us.

Anyway, Casaya headed back to decide who to boot. Bobby/ “Bob Dawg” was a popular choice, seeing as he wasn’t there at the time, but eventually Shane stepped up and announced he wanted to quit. After being taken aside by Aras (”Seriously, dude, the pre-jury trips are NON-smoking! You’d be screwed! Plus you can’t call your son to bring you a pack of smokes until you get home anyway”), Shane later clarified his statement, saying: “What I actually meant was, I want to quit smoking. That’s why I’m here, see. And I have to stay here to keep at it. So, uh, sorry about the misunderstanding. Oh yeah, and we’re voting out one of the fat chicks instead. Doesn’t matter which.”

This of course made for smooth sailing, right up until tribal council, where Probst welcomed the new Casaya to their second home, and invited the new members to light their torches. As Probst would later assert to the press, nobody could have predicted this, but upon seeing cylindrical objects and flames, something snapped in Shane, and he raised his torch to his lips, desperately trying to take a puff. Suddenly noticing the tribal council set, he proceeded to race around the cave, lifting up every candle and sucking ten times harder than The War at Home. Once again, a fresh selection of full-body patches eventually restored order.

Trying to ignore the twitching, eyebrow arching, bouncing guy in the back row, Probst focused his attention on Melinda and Cirie. “So… I hear you two are pretty much screwed. Aren’t you glad we shuffled the tribes in Episode 2?” Melinda and Cirie sobbed, wailing, “It’s not fair! Just because we voted Tina out because she was strong, doesn’t mean these people can vote us out for being weak! And Shane wanted to quit!”

At this point, Probst called a halt to the filming, and conferred with his team of producers. “So whattya think, guys? Should I goad Shane into quitting, like I did with Janu? I’m pretty sure if we wave a pack and a lighter at him, just out of camera range, he’ll go for it.” But after much discussion, it was determined that Shane was likely to a lot more yelling in the next episode than Melinda, so he got to stay. Plus, since Shane was an aspiring actor, he was willing to work for scale, while Melinda wanted residuals and a cut of the DVD sales.

And so another fine (and by fine, we mean small and granular) episode of Survivor: Palau, er, Panama - Exile Island ended. Tune in next week, where if you don’t start forking over your two bucks to CBS posthaste, you’ll be sure to find a 38-minute recap and a tribal yelp, along with 22 minutes of commercials.