Crappy the Smart-Assed Toilet

If you’re like tens of Americans, you find yourself on Friday, perhaps standing around the “water cooler,” trying to remember what happened this week on Survivor. Sure, you could find out the answers in painfully easy ways, like actually watching the show. Or maybe reading about it at the official CBS site, or surprisingly (particularly to the CBS media relations people), at, uh, the not-CBS site. Or you could even support CBS’s feeble attempt to undercut the iTunes Music Store, by “renting” a crappy copy of the show for 24 hours, all for the low, low price ($1.99) you’d pay to buy it (forever) from Apple. But please don’t, it would only encourage them. Instead, throw out your old-media habits, and stop supporting methods that only tell you how it “really” happened, and start reading below, where Crappy’ll tell you how it “realityly” happened.

It was apparently belt-tightening week at CBS for the second episode of Survivor: Panama - Exile Island. To free up some much-needed cash, America’s #1 network replaced the first half hour of the show with a Jeff Probst-narrated recap of the first episode. Even the opening credits were pared back to the bare minimum: a few seconds of tribal chanting and out. Everything must go!

In a further attempt to cut costs, alleged contestants Bobby “Bob Dawg” Mason and Ruth Marie “Tina Wesson” Milliman did not appear in this episode. We thought we might have seen them during the tribal pick, but that was probably just their Dream Team stand-ins. Perhaps they were secretly exiled. Regardless, we’re told by our sources deep within CBS that the money saved by not filming them was, as always, put directly back into the brilliant, comedic genius writing of Yes Dear, The King of Queens, and Two-and-a-Half Men. That and Les Moonves and Julie Chen’s personal Love Shack slush fund. Whoops, we weren’t supposed to mention that part. Oh well, nobody reads this, anyway.

Further savings were realized as the tribes were trimmed from four to two. This one wasn’t entirely for money, as the two extra camera crews were needed back in the States to shoot the genre-busting, spectacularly original new CBS realebrity series, Playing Badminton with the Former Cast of Punky Brewster. Again, according to our CBS flies on the wall, Moonves is convinced that this birdie-smashing entry is going to wallop the crap out of American Idol in the ratings, and force FOX to merge with the CW. You sure know how to pick ‘em, Les!

To save on twist-writing, the tribal shuffle was recycled from Palau, with captains Terry “Tom Westman” Deitz and Danielle “Stephenie, Yet Again” DiLorenzo initiating a schoolyard pick’em. Danielle kicked off the festivities by selecting Shane “Krusty the Klown” Powers, saying “That’s a wicked awesome Sawx tattoo ya got theah.” Shane hugged her, then sobbed, “No! Boston’s my dear, dear son, who I occasionally see when there aren’t Hollywood parties to attend, or reality show auditions.” As Danielle looked imploringly back at Probst and started to ask, “Uh, can I put this one back?”, Shane suddenly spotted a cameraman innocently lighting up a Marlboro. Whipping across the clearing with near-light speed, Shane hoisted the guy up by his lapels, bellowing an otherworldly howl: “Give me that and I will allow you to live!”

But sadly, as Shane thrust the entire pack of cigarettes into his mouth, lit them and started to inhale, he was tackled by SEG security. Probst gently reminded him, “While we do try to withhold as much food and medication as possible to keep you guys cranky, you’re really not supposed to touch the crew.” Eventually, Shane’s screams and thrashing were subdued by medical personnel, who applied Nicoderm CQ patches to every square inch of Shane’s body, although they later decided to remove the one covering his mouth, because people who could snap at any moment usually make for good sound bites. Chastened, Shane returned to his tribe, and the picking resumed with his selection of “Sideshow” Courtney Marit. From there followed Aras and Cirie, confirming that “Casaya” is Spanish for “some kind of nut.” The other tribe self-selected a bunch of eggheads and boring old people. As punishment, they were not given much camera time for the rest of the show.

Last, and apparently least, was Silent Bruce Kanegai, who it turns out is actually capable of speech, as long as he’s not holding a machete. Probst turned to him, arched an eyebrow, and solemnly intoned, “Bruce, I’m sorry to inform you, you’re the last to arrive.” After pausing for dramatic effect, he continued, “What are you going to do now?” Inexplicably, Bruce erupted in a chorus of whoops, handsprings, and backflips: “I’m going to Disneyworld! Woo-hoo!” Confused, Probst backpedaled, “Well, I was kidding before, but actually, you’re getting Exiled.” Bruce responded, rather half-heartedly, “Woo…?” Pleased to once again be dispensing pain, Probst continued, “Actually, it’s just a money-saving thing again. You get a bye for this episode, and we’ll just splice in some footage from your pre-game interview, and pretend it’s Exile Island. Nobody will be the wiser. Grab some smokes on your way out and see you in a few days.”

The many moods of Shane Powers
Jonesing	Craving	Needing a fix

From there, a competition of some kind followed, notable only in that it did not involve Bruce Jenner, Kelly Monaco, or Simon Cowell in any way. Wait, hold on. We’ve just been informed that perhaps the reason CBS has thus far (after a full 24 hours! The nerve!) failed to offer us a contract to write for the CBS site’s Survivors Strike Back blog is that there is not a sufficiently excessive level of CBS/SEG asskissery present in our writing. With this in mind, please strike the first sentence from this paragraph (and for that matter the second, third, and the part preceding the colon in the yet-to-be-read fourth). What we meant to say was: Wow, what a reward challenge! We’ve never seen such an amazing use of bamboo, paint, and wooden objects, since, like, ever! And the drama? Oh. My. God! Who could have predicted that, after she announced her mortal fear of leaves in the first episode, Cirie would be forced to conquer that fear in order to win a challenge in the next episode? Amazing! (Well, technically, they didn’t win, but still…). Absolutely the most original obstacle course we’ve seen on this show! Definitely since Guatemala, at least!!!!!

So anyway, as we mentioned, there are two tribes now. La Mina (Spanish for “The Mina”) won the reward, and promptly scuttled back to camp to plot which set of pairs from the original tribes would be the first to stab the others in the back. The two thinking pairs (Terry and Dan, along with Sally and Misty) quickly realized that the best strategy was to recruit the pair of model/actor/waiter/fratboys from the younger men’s tribe, who could be convinced to vote for just about anything simply by promising to hook them up with some free beer, a meeting with their friend who does some casting on the side, and possibly some coupons for 10% off at the CBS commissary in Los Angeles, all after the show ends. Austin and Nick were a bit flummoxed by the sudden attention at first, but quickly decided that (1) they sure could use that 10% coupon, and (2) some of those people offering them coupons had boobs.

To celebrate their newfound alliance, Nick and Sally rowed out to do some “fishing.” Which means, of course, ceremonially burying the Hawaiian sling at sea. Sally did so, then looked over at Nick, “Well, it’s way down there. We’d better go back.” Nick seemed unconvinced, “Are you sure? I think I can touch bottom here.” Sally shook her head, “Oh no, it’s at least three or four feet down there, you’d never get it.” Nick nodded slowly, “Ohhhh, wow. That is deep. Okay, I guess we’d better go back.” Upon reaching the beach, Sally leapt onto the beach, slammed the remaining fishing gear down onto the sand, and commenced to re-enact some of the finer moments of the “Terrell Owens Touchdown Dance Highlights: A Celebration” 12-DVD box set in front of Tom/Terry and his gangly buddy, Ian/Dan. “Ha ha, Terry/Tom!” she shrieked. “We lost the spear! Let’s see you get a shark this time around, now, buddy!” To which Tom/Terry calmly replied, “Well, actually, I used a machete the last time.” Freezing mid-prayer/shuffle, Sally quickly started plotting ways to get Bruce onto the La Mina tribe, to ensure that Terry/Tom would not have access to the machete.

Later, a second challenge was run, also recycled from Palau. Probst described it thusly: “Okay guys, you’re looking at a free lunch here. Since Bruce will be joining whichever tribe loses today, you have a golden opportunity to lose on purpose, and get rid of someone you hate. La Mina, got anyone in mind?” Misty, who hadn’t actually been seen since she was last exiled, piped up: “Oh no, we love everyone! Except Ruth Marie, but that’s okay because she’s not here this week.” Probst then fired the same question over to Casaya. “Anyone on your tribe? I’m looking at you, Shane.” Blinking rapidly and scratching at his skin, Shane replied, “So help me, if you don’t give me a cig right this second, I will kill every motherfucking last one of you!” After a 30-minute break for an emergency patch replacement session, play resumed. Shockingly, the tribe with Tom/Terry won. Apparently, in a flash of creativity, the producers decided to add something called a “zombie head” to the Palau version of the challenge, and the head needed to be set on fire for some reason. Now, maybe we’ve been watching the wrong movies, but to our recollection, zombie heads are usually concerned with finding brains, generally display little interest in fire, and are rarely disembodied. At least until they get attacked by lawnmowers. But again, maybe it’s just us.

Anyway, Casaya headed back to decide who to boot. Bobby/ “Bob Dawg” was a popular choice, seeing as he wasn’t there at the time, but eventually Shane stepped up and announced he wanted to quit. After being taken aside by Aras (”Seriously, dude, the pre-jury trips are NON-smoking! You’d be screwed! Plus you can’t call your son to bring you a pack of smokes until you get home anyway”), Shane later clarified his statement, saying: “What I actually meant was, I want to quit smoking. That’s why I’m here, see. And I have to stay here to keep at it. So, uh, sorry about the misunderstanding. Oh yeah, and we’re voting out one of the fat chicks instead. Doesn’t matter which.”

This of course made for smooth sailing, right up until tribal council, where Probst welcomed the new Casaya to their second home, and invited the new members to light their torches. As Probst would later assert to the press, nobody could have predicted this, but upon seeing cylindrical objects and flames, something snapped in Shane, and he raised his torch to his lips, desperately trying to take a puff. Suddenly noticing the tribal council set, he proceeded to race around the cave, lifting up every candle and sucking ten times harder than The War at Home. Once again, a fresh selection of full-body patches eventually restored order.

Trying to ignore the twitching, eyebrow arching, bouncing guy in the back row, Probst focused his attention on Melinda and Cirie. “So… I hear you two are pretty much screwed. Aren’t you glad we shuffled the tribes in Episode 2?” Melinda and Cirie sobbed, wailing, “It’s not fair! Just because we voted Tina out because she was strong, doesn’t mean these people can vote us out for being weak! And Shane wanted to quit!”

At this point, Probst called a halt to the filming, and conferred with his team of producers. “So whattya think, guys? Should I goad Shane into quitting, like I did with Janu? I’m pretty sure if we wave a pack and a lighter at him, just out of camera range, he’ll go for it.” But after much discussion, it was determined that Shane was likely to a lot more yelling in the next episode than Melinda, so he got to stay. Plus, since Shane was an aspiring actor, he was willing to work for scale, while Melinda wanted residuals and a cut of the DVD sales.

And so another fine (and by fine, we mean small and granular) episode of Survivor: Palau, er, Panama - Exile Island ended. Tune in next week, where if you don’t start forking over your two bucks to CBS posthaste, you’ll be sure to find a 38-minute recap and a tribal yelp, along with 22 minutes of commercials.

In looking over the CBS “Survivors Strike Back” blog, it strikes us that something’s missing from the CBS definitions of “community” and “elite pool of experts.” And that would be the sage comments not of actual ex-contestants, but of people who’ve helped Survivor maintain a presence on the web. By which, of course, we mean us. Oh sure, CBS has lined up an impressive set of snarky writers, PhDs, and Ivy Leaguers. But we’ve got that covered too. Surely we have the necessary chops to at least ghostwrite for the mysterious (and as-yet-invisible) “Ralph.” True, we’ve never actually gotten around to starving on national TV for 39 days ourselves, but we’re sure we’d at least consider it, as long as CBS is willing to pony up a hefty appearance fee, right up front. Tap, tap, tap. We’re waiting, CBS!

What’s that you say? We’ve already done the recap/commentary thing on our own site, and we should just shut up and get our lazy butts back to work? Huh? That’s not what you meant by “Your recaps sucked ass, shut the hell up?” Guess we’d better get our hearing checked then. Damn those ear buds. Don’t think we won’t sue you, Apple, especially for suggesting we might enjoy your free download of She Wants Revenge.

So anyway, here you go, CBS. Consider this our application for inclusion in your little “web-based magazine.” Paid inclusion, of course. But it’s definitely money well spent. As you’ll see from this particular blog, we’re nothing if not prolific and frequent posters. And think of all the traffic we’ll draw to your site when the two or three readers of Crappy the Smart-Assed Toilet (all of whom may or may not be related to us) think about clicking over to your site, eh? As we said: money well spent, money well spent.

Okay. So… Survivor: Exile Island. No, wait, Survivor: Panama. No, wait, Survivor: Panama - Exile Island. One of those. Anyway, here’s the thing: the DVR ate our copy of the show (shortly after we hit “Delete now,” as well as the A button after it asked us “Are you sure?”). So, uh, our memory’s a bit cloudy on what happened in the first episode.

But we’re pretty sure it started off in the usual way, new contestants showing up in shiny new buffs, smiling a lot. No returning contestants this time, unless you count fighter pilot Terry Deitz, who previously appeared in Palau as “firefighter Tom Westman.” All is bland, happy, new-age feelgoodery, until Bobby “Bob Dawg” Mason objects to the younger men’s buff color, a neony-yet-pastel green. “Hey Probst,” Bob Dawg says, “Can we switch buffs with the Spice Girls over there, because this color makes me look like a pussy.” Probst says, “No way. Look, we’ve already made flags and mats that match your colors. Your tribe is green.” Bob Dawg is not convinced. “Ok fine. How about we just be the Purple tribe then? Yeah, that sounds good, I’ll be Mr. Purple.” Probst: “No! Some OTHER tribe is Mr. Purple, or more accurately, the four Mrs. Purples. YOU’RE MR. GREEN!” Cirie and Shane then start whining about being stuck with all the old farts. Exasperated, Probst says, “All right, I’ve had it with you guys!” He then explains they’ll all be back on two tribes by the next episode, so they move on to the reward challenge.

Contrary to hopes raised by CBS ads, no shrunken heads were harmed in the filming of this episode.

Each tribe carefully selects their fastest runner, and they run across the tiny Exile Island to smash fake skulls on rocks. It’s important to use fast people, because… well, it’s not remotely important at all, actually. As it turns out, winning and losing this one is entirely due to luck, since there are three challenge-winning amulets spread through a pile of 40 or so skulls. But it does allow Probst to declare that “fate” decided the winner. As opposed to the secret clue Probst slipped the two men’s representatives to “only smash the skulls with the red dots.”

And so… “fate” sends three of the tribes back to their respective camps with a flint for firestarting. Timber Tina the lumberjill singlehandedly deforests the older women’s island, lashes together a Mall of America using pre-cut, suspiciously non-native-looking bamboo, and builds a massive bonfire, all in the space of about five minutes. Washing down their twelve-course dinner with some freshly-distilled coconut moonshine, her three tribemates decide: “This being provided for stuff totally blows. We came here to be on Survivor, not The Real World: Panama. Let’s boot the lumberjack lady!” Meanwhile, the younger men take turns devising games with their new flint toy, such as scorching ants, blindfolding themselves, burying it in sand, then finding it again, and the ultimate favorite, seeing how far out into the ocean they can throw it before it’s too far to get it back. Eventually the camermen just light a fire for them, out of pity. The older men are not shown for the rest of the show, because CBS objected to paying for a fifth camera crew, and because guys over 35 are boring. Except for Bruce, who chops anything that’s stationary. Watch out for that guy.

That leaves the younger women, who, in addition to their highly desirable pale-blue buffs, were given some tribe name that was never used on the show itself. It was carefully painted by the production staff onto all manner of mats, flags, an island map, and other objects. Mayo… bayo… battle axe? Nah, that’s not it. Well, we’re sure their hard work did not go unnoticed, all the same.

After the young ladies lose the RC, there is a period of indecision, in which the younger women keep trying out various picking methods until they come up with one that rids them of “that bitch, Misty,” without revealing that this is what they’re doing. That accomplished, the three non-exiles set out for their island. It’s full of many more dramatic decisions, such as “how do we build our hut next to an outlet, so we can plug in our hair dryers,” to Sally weighing whether or not to sue CBS for planting a dead sea turtle on their beach, then alerting Courtney to the (former) sea turtle’s presence. “The funeral service was okay for first couple of hours,” Sally admits later, “but when the producers brought out a crate of incense, body paint and bongos for Courtney to use in hour three, it got to be a bit much.”

Meanwhile, Misty spends her time on Exile Island… sitting. On the beach, here, and… (wait for it)… over there. Clearly, having this sort of excitement to look forward to every week will undoubtedly propel CBS to ratings successes heretofore unknown in modern history. Apparently, there’s an immunity idol somewhere there as well. Probst helpfully points out that it’s on the little islet that gets connected to the main Exile Island when the tide goes out. Misty hears this, and gazes at the receding tide. But then she recalls Jeff’s second admonition: “Or, you could just pretend you have it, and fake everyone out.” Since nobody would ever accuse a former beauty pageant contestant of not being everything she appears on the surface, Misty goes for that option. And sits some more.

Eventually, an immunity challenge involved swimming, rowing, and puzzles rolls around. And flags, can’t forget the flags. As shown in TV Guide, the older women lose. Cirie renews her campaign to oust Tina the Provider, and is successful. Ho hum.

All in all, not an inauspicious start. Shane and Cirie seem amusing enough, and to a lesser extent so do Aras and Courtney. And Silent Bruce. Certainly better than the plodding tedium of the previous night’s episode of Lost, “Fire + Water = Pssssshhhh.” Then again, so were the re-runs of the House Committee on Transportation and Infrastructure’s meetings on C-SPAN. That Don Young may be a corrupt, pork-ladling, bribe-taking bureaucrat, but he’s such a crackup when he gets in front of a camera!

Finally, we still haven’t addressed the question of “Why now?” Well, as should be clear, commentary on reality TV shows is dated comedic material from the get-go. So the best plan is to get it out there when people are paying attention, such as the night of the show, or the day after. And that’s why you see it here, now, almost a full week after the show airs. This stuff never gets old! And that’s our Crappy seal of approval.

In the immortal words of various members of the Bluth family: “Her?”

(Translation for those of you who don’t watch Arrested Development, but should: Bland, dull, unexciting).

As for Survivor: Panama - Exile Island, it looks even more dull than we originally expected. So in quitting watching and spoiling this show, we can safely say: “We haven’t made a huge mistake.”

Update: Wait, there’s a pill we can take for this. (Removes from annoying packaging). Forget-me-now. Forget-me-now. Ah, that’s better. What were we saying again? Eh, doesn’t ring a bell. Guess we’d better get to work on the S12 pages. Carry on.

We’re reminded that, barring some miracle, the last handful of episodes of Arrested Development are upon us. There’s not a whole hell of a lot we can do about it (much as we felt about Freaks and Geeks).

Wait, maybe there is.

It took us long enough to figure it out, but Survivor has outlived its watchability by about three years. So, we will not be picking up the option of covering Survivor 12, or an future edition, here at the True Dork Times. Let’s just say we’re cutting our order back from 14 to 11 (minus the ones we already ignored).

That felt good.

While we’re at it, we won’t be paying any attention here to FOX’s 24, either. It’s never regained the brilliance of its first season, and as it ages, it slips more and more embarassingly into the many combustible cliches of Action Movie Excess emptiness. So… no game, no Life Expectancy, no spoilers. Jack Bauer, you’re on your own. Although we’re sure you’ll still be perfectly capable of walking into any room and slaughtering all 99 people inside with nary a scratch. Whatever. Call us when you want someone to write a story arc where Jack tortures someone, they tell him what he wants to hear, and millions of people die because the info was bogus. We won’t be holding our breath, but the option’s open.

We’re not sure what we’ll do with all our newfound free time. Perhaps we’ll have to pick up an unhealthy habit, like reading books or something. Nah, probably just more Sudoku.

Okay, so we hear this guy…

…may be tiring of having to say exciting lines like “The tribe has spoken” and “Survivors ready? Go!” 36-plus times a year. We know, we know, it’s a tough job, and like most actors, his true passion has always been directing. And we know, given that an “exciting new challenge” in your book is one that’s already been on the ten previous seasons, but this time is in a different country (or, for next season, at least has mostly different people). So we know you have trouble thinking outside the box, and coming up with creative, novel ideas.

With that in mind, we think you should consider the guy below as a potential Probst replacement. Here are a few reasons why:

- A Survivor host needs to be quick on his feet, and able to be articulate under the most trying of circumstances, to keep those Tribal Councils moving along. Ask anyone, you’ll find nobody better than the guy below at that.
- In order to empathize with the trying conditions in which the contestants find themselves, the host ought to have an implicit understanding of hard work, and making do in life with nothing but the barest essentials. Seems like a good match here!

So without further ado, here he is:

- Sure, he already has a job at the moment, but that will be done with, one way or another, in 3 years. Plus, taking 4 months off a year to film the show, plus making the various talk-show rounds and special appearances, shouldn’t be much of a problem.
- His wife has already appeared on a reality show. And as we all know, it’s not about your desire to be on this show, it’s about the people you know, or perhaps those your agent knows.

Most of all, who better to host a show that venerates lying and deception? Where the most successful are those that shield and promote their friends, then jettison them whenever it becomes expedient? Or perhaps ride the coattails of your friends while they shield you and backstab others?

We’re pretty sure he’ll come cheap.

“StepheME”… for the love of all that is good and holy, Please. Stop.

Yeah, it was clever the first time somebody used it. But now that every 13-year-old and their dog has taken to using it three or four times a post, it’s become not unlike having nails rammed through your eyelids, and being scraped bodily along a chalkboard, while listening to “Who Let the Dogs Out” on infinite repeat.

Eight days, four new episodes of three of the four series we actually watch. As far as TV excitement goes, that’s pretty good. As long, of course, as the new seasons don’t completely suck. So do they? Well no, not completely, anyway. Or not yet, at least.

Survivor: Guatemala premiered first, and to be honest, we’re probably not the best judges here, because we’ll watch just about anything that has to do with the Maya, including possibly even the crappy pseudo-documentaries you’ll find on places like Fox or TLC that claim the Maya pyramids were built by aliens. Okay, we’d probably turn those off before they’re over, but still. Of course, this is Survivor, so any resemblance to actual Maya culture and history will be (1) rare, (2) factually inaccurate, and (3) performed by a bunch of buff, white American models. Still, we’re allegedly a Survivor spoiler site, so it’s occasionally necessary to actually watch the show.

We loved that the first half was plagiarized directly from the Eco-Challenge, which is still by far Mark Burnett’s greatest creation. Unfortunately, they apparently cut out E-C elements from the actual show (a rafting segment that shows up in the opening credits), and also managed to avoid mentioning that the Maya traveled between cities on foot, using raised highways that are still present today. Seems like an obvious thing to include, but hey, they must have been pressed for time to get all those puking shots in, and according to Family Guy, broadcast vomiting is the height of televised art. This must be why Survivor keeps getting nominated for Emmys. But all in all, not bad.

Next up was the third season premiere of the best show on television, Arrested Development. And… well, it was pretty good. Fine continuation of the GOB/Steve Holt! storyline, and the George-Michael/Maeby one, but the rest seemed a bit formulaic. Lindsay really needs something to do. Running the company perhaps. And the “joke” of repeated scenes of various characters in the same pose (here, waiting fruitlessly to go fishing at the cabin) worked in “Sad Sack,” but was tired here, even by the second repetition. But still, a bad Arrested Development scene is still about 10x funnier than anything ever filmed for Will & Grace or Everybody Loves Raymond. Not that Emmy voters would ever know the difference.

And lastly, there was LOST. We were pleased with the improved use of the flashback sequences, actually interweaving plot developments in the flashback scenes to propel the island scenes (rather than having to wait for a single payoff with the last flashback). Decent handling of the show’s inherent science-vs-mysticism debate, but as always, the balance ends up tilting strongly towards the mysticism side, which gets a bit tiresome. The secondary cast seemed a bit stiff in their screen time, but since they were on for less than a minute, it didn’t matter much. The action moved decently swiftly, and the major open questions were at least addressed in a semi-timely fashion. We do wish ABC would adopt the model the other show we watch, 24, uses for airing: opening in January and running the entire series without interruption or repeats. But nobody asked us. Although they clearly should, and pay us handsomely for the privilege. Cheap bastards.

In their continuing quest to have their ratings eclipsed by OLN, the programming geniuses at CBS have hastily scheduled the public unveiling of the Survivor: Guatemala cast for tomorrow morning on the Early Show. True, the number of people interested in such an event is probably marginally smaller than the readership of this blog (perhaps even the number of people writing this blog). And true, that time might have been better spent telling CBS’s early-morning audience for the five hundred sixty-first time that it’s a good idea to save, rather than run up credit card debt. Or perhaps they ought to have given more camera time to Bobby Flay, because Lord knows he doesn’t have nearly enough already.

But it does seem a bit odd that the first volley in the publicity campaign for the show leading off CBS’s fall schedule has yet, less than 24 hours in advance, to be mentioned in text on the Early Show’s own web site. The closest is a video clip, the text for which misleadingly promises “The inside scoop from ‘Survivor’ castoffs.” Yeah. Consider, for purposes of comparison, that for more than two weeks, TitanTV has listed next Tuesday’s Early Show as the site of the debut of the Amazing Race 8 (Family Edition) contestants.

But whatever. The few people left trying to spoil Survivor will dutifully tune in, vidcap and dissect tomorrow’s Early Show, just as we always do. They could have replaced the cast with a semi-tame troop of howler monkeys, and we’d still debate whether that older one with the shock of white fur on top had longer beard growth in the camp shots than in the pre-game pictures.

There is, however, a serious and burning mystery that may be answered tomorrow: CBS has waffled on the title of the show. Is it, as originally announced, Survivor Guatemala: The Maya Empire? Or is it, as the logo on CBS’s fall preview picture claims, the Survivor Guatemala: The Mayan Empire? The former (Maya) is the preferred form seen in archaeological literature. So will CBS side with the scientists, or with their ignorant web monkeys? We can… gasp… hardly wait… to find out.

We realize we’re setting an unsightly precedent with four straight Survivor-related posts. Lord help us, we hope this won’t happen again. But we’d be remiss if we didn’t point out that MLive’s late-breaking Gary Hogeboom investigative story published yesterday (i.e. after our last post) cited both the approximate time of the official cast reveal (”early August”) and the apparently official premiere date: September 8th.

That’s a week or so earlier than it’s been in recent years. And we note that CBS has yet to publicly release its schedule of premiere dates for the Fall 2005 season. So golly, in that sense, CBS spokeswoman Kim Sartori appears to have been, uh, leaking top-secret info. True, this info is of interest to maybe ten or so people in the entire world, as is any particular cast spoiler, but still….

So anyway, does this premiere date make sense? Well it does in the sense that FOX has announced the same date for the premiere of The O.C. Since that show attracts the young viewers CBS so desperately covets, it would make sense not to let that audience get hooked on FOX’s soap for that first week. And it would explain the “early August” time to release the cast names, since that usually occurs about a month before the premiere (giving you plenty of time to forget or ignore them until getting whacked over the head with them four weeks later). This will be a feat in itself, since the cast doesn’t return stateside until August 5th, so “early August” is probably the next week, when they’re still good and skinny. Although the many models on Survivor: Guatemala look pretty skinny to begin with.

But whatever. More Survivor crap will be flying at you, sooner than you might think. Make sure to duck.

Update: Fashionably late, CBS has finally gotten around to announcing their fall premiere schedule. And Survivor: Guatemala will debut on September 15th.

So, on Monday morning, Mark Francescutti of the Detroit Free Press reported that Gary Hogeboom is a contestant on the currently-filming Survivor: Guatemala (partially tipped by a report on some web site). Since then, this has made the rounds in various sports media, from ESPN to SI’s web site. But the most entertaining responses have come from, as you might expect, the blogosphere. A sampling thereof:

- From EntertainmentWeekly’s Popwatch (and less entertainingly, here, apart from the intriguing LOST spoilers).
- From the Ellenport Report
- From Scandalous Sports.

But surprisingly, by far the best response has been from traditional print media, albeit a slightly bloggish branch of it. Here it is, from the Baltimore Sun’s Flip Side column:

“Maybe you’ve been wondering what Gary Hogeboom has been up to. More likely, you haven’t thought of him since Tom Landry was mispronouncing his name as “Hogenboom” back when he was a Dallas Cowboys quarterback.

Either way, Hogeboom, 47, a land developer in Michigan, reportedly is one of the competitors on CBS’ Survivor: Guatemala, which is shooting now in Central America.

CBS wouldn’t comment to the Detroit Free Press on any Survivor contestants. The Free Press said it learned of Hogeboom’s participation from the Web site truedorktimes.com. You have to trust a site with that name, don’t you?”