We’re confused at what sort of message CBS was trying to send out with the eleventh episode of Survivor: Panama - Exile Island.

Are we supposed to rooting for The Great Terry, the alleged underdog who is, in reality, coasting through the game, thanks to a spare immunity idol, and a series of individual immunity challenges designed exclusively for a shortish, speedy, strong person to win? Or should our hopes perhaps be pinned on sly Cirie, who, thanks to being built similarly to the average American, has absolutely no chance to win any challenge, ever, apart from the one she actually did win (one episode earlier) that simply rewards being perceived as likeable and non-threatening?

Ha! We were just joking. Obviously, we’re supposed to be rooting for Jeff Probst, who not only has to put up with the contestants and their various odors, but has also been forced to wear the same outfit and repeat lines such as “Wanna know what you’re playing for?” so often that we’d imagine a night with Probst at a restaurant would feature such fascinating banter as, “Colby is already finished with his entree, and is working on his vegetables. Julie’s gonna have to pick up the pace if she wants to see some dessert!” and “Once the tip has been calculated, the decision is final, and the party will be leaving the table immediately. I’ll reveal the tip: One… one… one… that’s three ones… one… one… that’s five ones. I’ll reveal the final piece of paper… fifty. Server, that’s fifty-five dollars. The diner has spoken.”

All the same, don’t go looking for us to buckle under to the heavy-handed editing’s will. Not any time soon, anyway. If we want to root for Shane’s piece of wood, or his Thinking Rock (both of which have had more and better lines than Melinda, Ruth Marie, Bobby and Nick, combined), then that’s what we’ll do, dammit! Besides, we predict the Thinking Rock will outlast every castmember, even the final two. So there. Unless he decides to sell it (or several thousand reasonable facsimiles) on eBay, of course.

Nonetheless, we suppose we should get around to “recapping” the, uh, “action” from this week. It was an episode unlike any other: the Great Terry won immunity. Aras did some yoga. Shane acted crazy (remarkably, this occurred when a camera was present… what are the odds?). Cirie giggled about several things. Courtney got in an argument with someone. And Danielle largely hung around in the background, appearing vaguely grumpy about something or other. Oh, and Terry managed to win both a beachfront feast, AND (just in time for the annual summer gas price hike) an All-American, gas-guzzling vehicle (possibly manufactured in another country). Whew! Who could have predicted such an unlikely series of events?

But don’t get us wrong, there were some novel developments. For instance, since Sally had already been booted, the producers decided to let the contestants have their fishing spear back. Except that the producers decided that a spear wouldn’t fit the symbolism of the ending 15 minutes of the show, so they forced poor Cirie to use an old-fashioned hook, line, and smashed-snail sinker to reel in the catch of the day. (But it’s okay, they helpfully placed a fish on the hook after they got the footage of her squealing about the snail innards). To show her appreciation, Cirie decided to serve her catch with a delicious sand and dirt dry rub. Mmmm.

tasty fish
Our special tonight is a pan-seared, leaf- and twig-encrusted snapper in a mud sauce. Enjoy!

All of this was, of course, a buildup for the climax of the show: Cirie then succeeded at fishing of another kind, somehow managing to pull off one of history’s most extensive vote-rigging schemes, at least in balloting not performed on Diebold machines.

Perhaps she got lucky: past attempts to split votes 3-2-1 have failed, possibly because your average contestant needs to be reassured that three votes is actually enough to win, as long as the other three split their votes: “No really, we don’t need four votes! Here, let me show you this again. Pretend we’re these three leaves. Those two rocks will be the votes against [Contestant X], and this stick will be the vote against [Contestant Y].” “Wait, I thought the stick was [Contestant X]?” “It doesn’t matter! We’ve been through this fifteen times! Oh, fine. Screw it. Just vote me out. I can’t take this any more.” We’re guessing either Aras and Danielle are smarter than the average contestant, or, more likely, Cirie just didn’t bother explaining the math to them.