Crappy the Smart-Assed Toilet

In lieu of writing a full recap for the ninth non-clipshow episode of Survivor: Panama - Exile Island, we instead offer you “A Closer Look” (with pictures!) at what really happened in (part of) the Immunity Challenge. Because (1) nobody’s going to read this, anyway, and (2) even fewer people than that are going to read it, because it aired almost a full week ago. With that in mind, we join the show, already in progress.

Maitre d’ Jeff Probst: Good afternoon, non-participating Casaya members! And how are we today? I feel I should warn you: while you’re free to eat all the burgers, fries and Coke you can stuff down…
Casayas: [muffled sounds of eating]

Probst: Wait! I said, there’s a twist! And it is: while you eat, you’ll have to sit there while I regale you with endless stories about the brilliance of the Exile Island twist, along with that delectable immunity hidden idol. How’s that sound?
Shane: Better…
Probst: Better?
Shane: Better get a bucket, Probst. Oh, and about a case or two of Marlboros. That was part of the deal for sitting this out, right?

Probst (after disappearing briefly): I’m sorry sir, I’ve checked back in the kitchen, and it appears we’ve just run out of Marlboros.
Shane: Oh well, fuck it then. I guess I might be able to get something if I smoke these fries.

Probst: As you wish, sir. Now, can I please get your opinions of Exile Island, and the hidden immunity idol? Please talk as long as you can, because we’ll probably need to edit your quotes into several episodes when the show airs, so that we can manufacture some suspense into painfully dull episodes like this one.
Cirie: Can’t talk… eating.

Probst: Anyone? Anyone? Silent Bruce? Sideshow Courtney? No? How about you, Danielle? You’ve been nothing if not chatty since you hit the beach!
Danielle: [Looks away, pulls cap lower, keeps eating].

Probst: Okay, then. I’ll just give you my opinion, which is of course the most important one. Perhaps you’ll enjoy commenting afterwards. Seriously, I think this is the best twist we’ve ever come up with, at least since “All-Stars.” And like that one, this one lets us film again in Panama. Isn’t that great? Plus, even though we’ve done individual exile on another island and finding hidden idols on other editions of the show, we’ve never done them together! Aren’t we brilliant and creative? And it’s worked out far better than that twin swap we tried in Guatemala, but had to edit out when Stephenie sleep-ate Ramie Newton after we let her take some Ambien!
Casayas: [Munching and gulping sounds, scuffles ensue as they reach for more food].

[Note: This actually dragged on for several hours, as Terry, Aras and Sally had to go back into the water repeatedly after failing to correctly assemble their puzzles. Eventually, all the Casayas except Shane pushed themselves away from the table. Still hungry, but unable to endure another second of Probst’s self-congratulatory monologue. In the end, only Shane remained, still stuffing his face. The other Casayas were huddled on the sand, desperately trying to block the sound from entering their ears. Bruce rocked back and forth on the beach, seemingly catatonic. But Probst continued on, oblivious].

Probst: …and the best part is, the way it’s changed the game! Used to be, one tribe would dominate at the merge, and they’d pick off the minority tribe, until the annoying people on their own tribe pissed them off too much. Now it’s different!
Shane: [interrupting] Come on Probst, nobody believes that! I mean, even those idiot internet spoilers can probably figure out the boot this episode: if Sally wins here, it’s Terry. If Terry wins here, which he will, it’s Sally. Duh! Oh, and we’re out of burgers. Fire me up some more, will ya? But please, no more of your jibber-jabber.

Probst: Very well. Your burger sir. But please, allow me to give you one more, wafer-thin insight into our brilliant manipulation of the game with this twist.
Shane: Look - I couldn’t hear another thing. I’m absolutely stuffed. Bugger off.

Probst: Oh sir, just… just one…
Shane: Oh all right. Just one.
Probst: Just the one, sir… voila… bon appetit… Have I mentioned how people have complained to me that this twist has changed the game too much?
Shane: [Explodes]

Disclaimer: We regret to inform you that no contestants or hosts of Survivor were actually injured in the filming of this episode, although multiple brain cells were almost certainly damaged in the writing and reading of this recap. Stay in school, kids!