Episode five of Survivor: Panama - Exile Island opened with some Completely Unscripted Dialogue (CUD, in reality show-writing parlance) at the clearly “grieving” La Mina beach. Thanks to the magic of Spoilervision, we can now take you behind the scenes.

Sally and Nick were asked to walk along the beach, and discuss their innermost feelings with each other. “Golly…” (Sally paused to look at the strategically concealed name tag on the side of Nick’s head) “… ‘Nick.’” Sally paused again, squinting at the cue card. “I sure do miss Ruth Marie.” Nick, exuding the natural charisma and screen-grabbing presence that got him on the show in the first place, concurred. “Yes, uh… Sally. I really do miss, uh… Ru… Ralph? Murray?”

“Cut!” sighed the off-camera producer, “Can I get someone to write the cue cards out phonetically for these guys?” And after only forty-two more takes, the scene was in the can. Later, the executive producers would rate this riveting scene as a “home run!” Which means of course that, while those camera crews and cue cards don’t come cheap, at least they finished filming this “early morning scene” while it was still light, and didn’t have to spend extra on nightvision.

How about that? It’s this kind of unparalleled insight, coupled with brisk, largely comma-, hyphen- and parenthesis-free writing that we here at Crappy the Smart-Assed Toilet are happy to provide for you with our fine new product, Spoilervision*. All for the low, low price of… wait, we’ll get to that later. (* Note: Spoilervision is generally only accurate after the show has actually aired. Then again, looking back at our DVR copy, maybe not even then).

In other matters, the peace-loving Casaya tribe decided to use their allotted camera time for an extended discourse on the relative benefits of Yoga and Zen. As with all discussions at Casaya, particularly those in which principles of non-violence are at the core, this was not unlike an episode of Jerry Springer, except that the L.A.-area model/actors didn’t bother to fake Southern trailer-park accents, and there were fewer bouncers (but on the plus side, more machetes).

Sadly, Shane was busy on a smoking break (actually, auditioning for another reality show, but his time sheet claimed it was a smoking break, so that’s the official CBS line) when this was filmed, so designated yelling duties had to be split between Aras and, regretably, Silent Bruce. As with most Hollywood productions, Bobby was passed over for a lead role in the conflict, despite an audition that he completely nailed, several large piles of recommendation letters from noted African-American writers and directors, and a pre-show highlight reel of choice quotes that had already racked up download records at the iTunes music store. In protest, Bobby continued sleeping. Courtney took his spot in the production, giving a largely silent performance that was nonetheless highly praised by the critics.

Somewhere in here, Probst called the tribes together for a frank assessment of their likelihood of continued survival. “Okay, here’s the deal guys. It’s day 12, and none of you have even come close to finding food, except for Tina, but we planted that one so that she wouldn’t get the first boot. So here’s what we’re gonna do: We’ll give you the food, but since we forgot to design a challenge for today, we’ll make you stand on these mats and hand it to each other, so it looks like you’re doing a ‘challenge.’ La Mina, because you haven’t been reading your cue cards with very much enthusiasm, you have to lose this one. Sorry guys, we just can’t wait to see what we’re gonna get out of these Casaya guys once we liquor them up. Oh, and Terry, you’ll have to go to Exile Island again. Since you already have the idol, there isn’t much point this time, so uh… sorry about that. But we’ll give you a t-shirt with my picture on it as a consolation prize. Better luck next time, buddy.”

Casaya dutifully carried out their end of the bargain, although there was a brief panic when they discovered that Silent Bruce was far less lethal with a dull meat cleaver than with his trusty machete. Around this time, there was a minor revolt in the production staff, as one of the camera crews refused to go back to La Mina camp, citing a complete lack of interesting events to film. “They all sit around praying, being nice to each other, and telling Terry how great he is. It’s like a cult. A cult based on Little House on the Prairie.” Probst tried to defuse the situation: “Don’t worry, we’ve uh… taken care of it. We’re sure you’ll be… ‘running’ around in excitement in no time. In fact, I’ve never uh, ‘bean’ more sure.” Unfortunately, Probst strained a facial muscle with his winking and nodding, but he was quickly patched up by medical, and at least the crew was convinced.

What followed was a blur of wine, uncooked meat, flood waters, Charmin, and Dawgs sleeping with men. When the fog lifted, however, Courtney was somewhat incensed that Bobby and Bruce had split the last bottle of white wine between them. “How dare you?!” She screeched. “Danielle and I got up early to split that, dammit! Surely we deserve more than you, since we had to sit through that whole boring ‘challenge,’ and while you were taking your sweet time winning it. Bastard! How do you feel now, huh?” Without missing a beat, Bobby told her, “Uh, hung over? Naw, just kidding. I’m still drunk.”

Okay, time for another Spoilervision exclusive: Over at La Mina camp, the tribe was beginning to lose their faith, having spent a full day praying for Terry to send them a sign, telling them how to cook their dried beans. Nick had proposed impaling them on really small sticks, and roasting them over the fire. As soon as Terry got back to tell them how to build one. Austin proposed slicing them in half with the machete, and frying them in the hot sun. Eventually, the cameramen broke down, and told the tribe that Terry had come to them in a vision, saying “You must boil them in the pot, with water. But not for very long. That might destroy the toxins we laced them with.” Sadly, the tribe was so busy kneeling, bowing, and screaming wails of great joy at word of the Great Terry, they missed the last sentence.

austin nick
Something around here smells an awful lot like Emmys!

This worked out pretty well for the crew, as it turned out. Somewhere between Nick’s fifth and Austin’s sixth vomit/ diarrhea excursion, the various crewmembers exchanged high fives. “Yeah! Now we’re sure to kick Amazing Race’s butt at the Emmy’s this year! It’s a slam dunk!” One of the cameramen had been following Austin out as he raced to his favorite vomit/ diarrhea spot, but was called back to take part in a celebratory bottle of champagne with the rest of the crew. Sadly, that was the time that Austin managed to both vomit and spew diarrhea at the same time. Had they caught it on film, that would have been a surefire Emmy-winning moment for reality TV. Better luck next year, boys.

Eventually the tribes reassembled to hear about the immunity challenge. After La Mina had completed their ritual 30-minute annointing and praising of the Great Terry, Probst explained how it worked. “Basically, it’s different from all our other challenges, because it’s a race, but it also has water, and puzzles! You’ve never seen that before! Casaya, because the merge is getting close and you have two extra members, your puzzle pieces will be tethered 30 feet further below the surface than La Mina’s, and we may have ‘lost’ a piece or two of your final puzzle. Good luck with that. Oh, and please don’t boot anyone who’s entertaining. God (and the Great Terry - my apologies, La Mina) knows we don’t want another Thailand.”

And as had been foretold, on the Third Day, the Great Terry arose from Exile Island, and single-handedly carried La Mina to another victory. The production staff was not especially pleased about this development, but they quieted down after Probst reminded them that there were still more beans back at camp.

Back at Casaya, thanks to quick, logical thinking, a consensus for voting was quickly reached. The tribe decided only to vote for people who had (a) spent enough time on Exile Island to find the hidden immunity idol three or four times, and/or (b) had won at least two challenges for the tribe largely on their own. This worked well, except for Shane, who had misunderstood and thought the rule was “Vote for someone in your alliance,” and for Bruce, who thought they’d agreed to “Vote for whomever you damn well feel like.”

Somehow, in all the mayhem, someone ended up with the most votes. We’ll say it was Bobby, because he showed up on the Early Show the next day. We could check the Spoilervision feed, but apparently the people working that got distracted by several bottles of free wine towards the end of the show. Unfortunate, yes. But at least they aren’t still stuck with La Mina. But ignoring that, back to the price of our exciting product: Now how much would you pay? But wait, there’s more!

Oh wait, no there’s not. And yeah, we understand. CBS wouldn’t pay us anything for it, either.