Week two of the Survivor: Panama - Exile Island Opening Credits Hostage Crisis (aka, the SPEIOCHC) has come and gone, with still no word of the whereabouts of the missing credits sequence and theme song. While the captors’ identities have not yet been publicly released, speculation has been rampant on online message boards, with the most popular theory being that the credits were taken captive by a single, mysterious assailant. According to intel posted by longtime spoiler ChillOne, word around the show is that this man’s name is “Chef Gropest,” or a common rhyming equivalent.

In place of the credits, the abductor did leave a 15-minute recap of the previous week’s “highlights,” followed by what appeared to be a ransom note, featuring disjointed flashes of various body parts, such as Dan’s arm. Overall, an extremely ominous development. Worse still, whole sections of the show, from the clues to the hidden idol on Exile Island, to the entire third day of filming, now appear to have disappeared as well. Clearly, this is getting serious: somebody needs to alert Jack Bauer about this terrifying development. Sure, the credits may end up dead in the bloody aftermath, or perhaps innocent bystander CBS shows such as Courting Alex might be exposed to deadly Centox nerve gas, but that’s a risk we’re willing to take. Oh wait, he’s under contract with FOX. Dammit!

This is not to say there wasn’t any new footage on the show, of course. There was a reward challenge of some kind, and as we recall, an immunity challenge. Some sand, some water, and some sandy, wet model/actors getting skinnier (and sandier, and wetter). And naturally, the requisite 5 minutes of yelling by contestant Shane Powers. Then again, we may just be remembering the previous week’s “Next time on Survivor” segment.

Hold on, we do recall one early bit involved a contestant substitution. It appears original contestant “Silent” Bruce Kanegai, who communicated with the outside world solely by chopping things with a machete, seems to have met with an unfortunate fate while on Exile Island, and been removed from the game. In his place, CBS inserted a similarly-clothed gentleman named “Bruce Kanegai, God of Backpacking,” or at least, that’s what he said to his new tribemates at Casaya. And to the cameraman and producer when he gave a confessional that night. And to Jeff Probst the next day. And to the opposing tribe. And to the bushes over there, by the beach. We’re guessing this may be some sort of “Will they notice the difference?” CBS stunt, perhaps like the twin swap idea, used by Big Brother. We’re onto you, CBS! Can’t slip that one past our Crappy viewing habits!

As we said, some kind of reward challenge was shown. It involved… balls. That’s about the extent of the impact it made on the Crappy memory banks. The tribe not containing “Bruce Kanegai, God of Backpacking” won it, and received some exciting blankets and tarps for their efforts. After smiling graciously at their newfound comfort, and politely asking Probst if he had any recipes for blanket stew, or possibly tarp canapes, they then sent “Bruce Kanegai, God of Backpacking” to Exile Island (we’d say “again,” but we’re not fooled, CBS!). Sadly, the God of Backpacking was not seen for the remainder of the episode, so it appears he may have met the same fate as his predecessor, “Silent Bruce,” forcing CBS to stage an emergency casting call for a second replacement “Bruce,” who we imagine we’ll meet next week. Or maybe it’s just that CBS figured that, since they’d already shown a “Bruce” reading the Episode 3 Exile Island clues in the previous episode, repetition was unnecessary. One of the two.

Missing along with the Exile Island footage (maybe it’s that, since the words “Exile Island” are in the title of the show, CBS decided that didn’t really need to take up additional airtime showing it) were most of the scenes of camp life, apart from the usual standbys: People complaining about the rain (as Jeff Probst would chipperly explain to the entertainment press in selling the show prior to Episode 1, “We filmed during the rainy season!”), Shane throwing a tantrum (this time about a “rock” instead of cigarettes, we’re guessing it’s not the kind he was sitting on), people “fishing” (by which we mean, not catching actual fish to eat), and lastly, the young women of La Mina proving that they’re not just “pretty faces” by “pretending” that they’re just “pretty faces” (note: if Sarah from Marquesas can pull this off successfully, we question whether this is really a master strategy, requiring an advanced degree in engineering). Still, if backrubs happen on Survivor, it is apparently part of the contract that they be aired.

With the filler and recaps out of the way, it was eventually time for the immunity challenge. Now, we’re not saying it wasn’t entertaining, but we do question our tastes a bit when the highlight of the show involved grown, otherwise (mostly) sane adults fighting like a bunch of two-year-olds over sandy pillows (that as far as we know, they didn’t even get to keep). We’re guessing that, when he was putting his nose to the grindstone to study for his M.D. (having already gotten an engineering Ph.D.), Dan Barry didn’t say to himself: “Someday I’ll have gone into space three times, and taken four space walks. But what I really want to remembered for is writhing half-naked in the sand with some middle-aged Hollywood addict/scene rat.” Then again, we’re often wrong with predicting Dan Barry’s past activities, so maybe we’re wrong on that, too.

nick and misty dan and shane
Our ability to discern Dan Barry’s past actions appears to be fairly limited, but we’re still guessing Nick enjoyed his backrub more than Dan did.

That said, there is a certain… poetic beauty? No, that’s not it. Athletic grace? Not quite… hmm, sociopathic amusement? Yeah, that’s it… in seeing the likes of Bobby and Cirie tossing around the scrawny model/actors like rag dolls. And we do have to note that most brilliant strategic move in the entire episode came when the new “Bruce” yelled out, “Sit on her, Cirie!” But seriously, given the choice between some pampered, pouty princess (or worse, prince) twirling around on the ice in hopes of a donut-shaped medal, versus Bobby casually letting a desperate Ruth Marie race to her mat, then at the last second, with no discernible effort on his part, picking her up and plopping her onto the Casaya mat, all to win some stick upon which three fake skulls have been impaled, we’ll take the CBS option every time. Of course, we’d take most anything every time over figure skating, possibly even C-SPAN. Yes, we’re aware that there are these nifty inventions called books, which can be fine substitutes for TV at such moments. But, well, we’re fairly lazy, and we have short attention spans.

Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh right, Survivor. So anyway, following La Mina’s IC loss, the planning for the boot kicked into high gear. Nick, seeing Austin sitting around the fire with the rest of the tribe, ran up to him and yelled out, “Hey Austin, we’re voting out Ruth Marie!” At this, Ruth Marie erupted in a closed-mouth stare, slightly different from her usual stare, and quite possibly signalling “What?” Or maybe, “Her?” Austin, understandably a bit panicked by this reaction, quickly hushed Nick up, and moved him to a more discrete location. It turned out to be a couple of feet away from where they had been sitting, but it’s the “thought” that counts. The cameramen considered moving to the new location, but opted for the optical zoom instead.

Firmly ensconced in their secure patch of sand, Nick and Austin further discussed the boot. “Dude, yeah, I got the boot instructions straight from Misty,” Nick gushed. “Her?” a skeptical Austin asked. “Look Nick, that chick’s been to Exile Island. I think she picked up some sort of disease there… have you seen her arms? I hope you didn’t let her touch you.” Nick pondered this development for several minutes. “Does a back rub count as touching?”

Later, of course, Terry filled the boys in with the correct voting instructions. “Uh, guys, we’re voting for Misty tonight.” Austin was puzzled. “Are you sure? Didn’t Misty say it was Ruth Marie?” “Oh right, sorry, I forgot to tell you: That’s her secret code for ‘Misty’. Those crazy rocket scientists with their anagrams and substitution ciphers! Ha!” Naturally, all those big words merely confused Nick even more: “Dude, what’s a rocket?” Raising an eyebrow, but still preternaturally smooth, Terry eased away, saying in a soothing voice, “So… I’m gonna go ahead and ask that you make sure you write down ‘Misty’ on the card tonight, okay? Thanks… that would be great… right….”

Since they’d already announced to the audience their intention to vote out Misty, La Mina’s trip to Tribal Council was relatively uneventful, apart from a brief contretemps between Austin and Probst over La Mina’s missing weapon of mass fishing. Probst chided Austin: “So I hear that after your boastful claims about removing from the waters of La Mina all traces of edible fish, you guys now have no clue where the Hawaiian sling is?” Austin replied, tersely: “We know exactly where the spear is.” Probst was undaunted: “No, really, I saw it on the dailies, and we’ve already edited the previous episode, and it’s the centerpiece of the show. Sally threw it in the ocean.” Austin was defensive: “If I answered that, it would give away valuable information to our enemies, which include the fish, the other tribe, any members of this tribe who will get switched to the other tribe in coming episodes, and Michael Moore.” “Michael Moore?” “Yeah, I just hate that guy.” Probst had had enough with the evasive answering, “Okay, whatever. Let’s get on with voting Misty out, so I can get back to my hotel, where I’ll be washing down my twelve-course meal with a variety of fine wines and other beverages, followed by a shower, and some pleasuring from my girlfriend who’s half my age.”

And so they did. Tune in next week, where, if you’re lucky, you can look forward to more yelling from Shane, more rain, and more complaining about food. And if we’re lucky, no ice skating. We have a good feeling we’ll be lucky this time.