If you’re like tens of Americans, you find yourself on Friday, perhaps standing around the “water cooler,” trying to remember what happened this week on Survivor. Sure, you could find out the answers in painfully easy ways, like actually watching the show. Or maybe reading about it at the official CBS site, or surprisingly (particularly to the CBS media relations people), at, uh, the not-CBS site. Or you could even support CBS’s feeble attempt to undercut the iTunes Music Store, by “renting” a crappy copy of the show for 24 hours, all for the low, low price ($1.99) you’d pay to buy it (forever) from Apple. But please don’t, it would only encourage them. Instead, throw out your old-media habits, and stop supporting methods that only tell you how it “really” happened, and start reading below, where Crappy’ll tell you how it “realityly” happened.

It was apparently belt-tightening week at CBS for the second episode of Survivor: Panama - Exile Island. To free up some much-needed cash, America’s #1 network replaced the first half hour of the show with a Jeff Probst-narrated recap of the first episode. Even the opening credits were pared back to the bare minimum: a few seconds of tribal chanting and out. Everything must go!

In a further attempt to cut costs, alleged contestants Bobby “Bob Dawg” Mason and Ruth Marie “Tina Wesson” Milliman did not appear in this episode. We thought we might have seen them during the tribal pick, but that was probably just their Dream Team stand-ins. Perhaps they were secretly exiled. Regardless, we’re told by our sources deep within CBS that the money saved by not filming them was, as always, put directly back into the brilliant, comedic genius writing of Yes Dear, The King of Queens, and Two-and-a-Half Men. That and Les Moonves and Julie Chen’s personal Love Shack slush fund. Whoops, we weren’t supposed to mention that part. Oh well, nobody reads this, anyway.

Further savings were realized as the tribes were trimmed from four to two. This one wasn’t entirely for money, as the two extra camera crews were needed back in the States to shoot the genre-busting, spectacularly original new CBS realebrity series, Playing Badminton with the Former Cast of Punky Brewster. Again, according to our CBS flies on the wall, Moonves is convinced that this birdie-smashing entry is going to wallop the crap out of American Idol in the ratings, and force FOX to merge with the CW. You sure know how to pick ‘em, Les!

To save on twist-writing, the tribal shuffle was recycled from Palau, with captains Terry “Tom Westman” Deitz and Danielle “Stephenie, Yet Again” DiLorenzo initiating a schoolyard pick’em. Danielle kicked off the festivities by selecting Shane “Krusty the Klown” Powers, saying “That’s a wicked awesome Sawx tattoo ya got theah.” Shane hugged her, then sobbed, “No! Boston’s my dear, dear son, who I occasionally see when there aren’t Hollywood parties to attend, or reality show auditions.” As Danielle looked imploringly back at Probst and started to ask, “Uh, can I put this one back?”, Shane suddenly spotted a cameraman innocently lighting up a Marlboro. Whipping across the clearing with near-light speed, Shane hoisted the guy up by his lapels, bellowing an otherworldly howl: “Give me that and I will allow you to live!”

But sadly, as Shane thrust the entire pack of cigarettes into his mouth, lit them and started to inhale, he was tackled by SEG security. Probst gently reminded him, “While we do try to withhold as much food and medication as possible to keep you guys cranky, you’re really not supposed to touch the crew.” Eventually, Shane’s screams and thrashing were subdued by medical personnel, who applied Nicoderm CQ patches to every square inch of Shane’s body, although they later decided to remove the one covering his mouth, because people who could snap at any moment usually make for good sound bites. Chastened, Shane returned to his tribe, and the picking resumed with his selection of “Sideshow” Courtney Marit. From there followed Aras and Cirie, confirming that “Casaya” is Spanish for “some kind of nut.” The other tribe self-selected a bunch of eggheads and boring old people. As punishment, they were not given much camera time for the rest of the show.

Last, and apparently least, was Silent Bruce Kanegai, who it turns out is actually capable of speech, as long as he’s not holding a machete. Probst turned to him, arched an eyebrow, and solemnly intoned, “Bruce, I’m sorry to inform you, you’re the last to arrive.” After pausing for dramatic effect, he continued, “What are you going to do now?” Inexplicably, Bruce erupted in a chorus of whoops, handsprings, and backflips: “I’m going to Disneyworld! Woo-hoo!” Confused, Probst backpedaled, “Well, I was kidding before, but actually, you’re getting Exiled.” Bruce responded, rather half-heartedly, “Woo…?” Pleased to once again be dispensing pain, Probst continued, “Actually, it’s just a money-saving thing again. You get a bye for this episode, and we’ll just splice in some footage from your pre-game interview, and pretend it’s Exile Island. Nobody will be the wiser. Grab some smokes on your way out and see you in a few days.”

The many moods of Shane Powers
shane
Jonesing		 shane
Craving		 shane

Needing a fix

From there, a competition of some kind followed, notable only in that it did not involve Bruce Jenner, Kelly Monaco, or Simon Cowell in any way. Wait, hold on. We’ve just been informed that perhaps the reason CBS has thus far (after a full 24 hours! The nerve!) failed to offer us a contract to write for the CBS site’s Survivors Strike Back blog is that there is not a sufficiently excessive level of CBS/SEG asskissery present in our writing. With this in mind, please strike the first sentence from this paragraph (and for that matter the second, third, and the part preceding the colon in the yet-to-be-read fourth). What we meant to say was: Wow, what a reward challenge! We’ve never seen such an amazing use of bamboo, paint, and wooden objects, since, like, ever! And the drama? Oh. My. God! Who could have predicted that, after she announced her mortal fear of leaves in the first episode, Cirie would be forced to conquer that fear in order to win a challenge in the next episode? Amazing! (Well, technically, they didn’t win, but still…). Absolutely the most original obstacle course we’ve seen on this show! Definitely since Guatemala, at least!!!!!

So anyway, as we mentioned, there are two tribes now. La Mina (Spanish for “The Mina”) won the reward, and promptly scuttled back to camp to plot which set of pairs from the original tribes would be the first to stab the others in the back. The two thinking pairs (Terry and Dan, along with Sally and Misty) quickly realized that the best strategy was to recruit the pair of model/actor/waiter/fratboys from the younger men’s tribe, who could be convinced to vote for just about anything simply by promising to hook them up with some free beer, a meeting with their friend who does some casting on the side, and possibly some coupons for 10% off at the CBS commissary in Los Angeles, all after the show ends. Austin and Nick were a bit flummoxed by the sudden attention at first, but quickly decided that (1) they sure could use that 10% coupon, and (2) some of those people offering them coupons had boobs.

To celebrate their newfound alliance, Nick and Sally rowed out to do some “fishing.” Which means, of course, ceremonially burying the Hawaiian sling at sea. Sally did so, then looked over at Nick, “Well, it’s way down there. We’d better go back.” Nick seemed unconvinced, “Are you sure? I think I can touch bottom here.” Sally shook her head, “Oh no, it’s at least three or four feet down there, you’d never get it.” Nick nodded slowly, “Ohhhh, wow. That is deep. Okay, I guess we’d better go back.” Upon reaching the beach, Sally leapt onto the beach, slammed the remaining fishing gear down onto the sand, and commenced to re-enact some of the finer moments of the “Terrell Owens Touchdown Dance Highlights: A Celebration” 12-DVD box set in front of Tom/Terry and his gangly buddy, Ian/Dan. “Ha ha, Terry/Tom!” she shrieked. “We lost the spear! Let’s see you get a shark this time around, now, buddy!” To which Tom/Terry calmly replied, “Well, actually, I used a machete the last time.” Freezing mid-prayer/shuffle, Sally quickly started plotting ways to get Bruce onto the La Mina tribe, to ensure that Terry/Tom would not have access to the machete.

Later, a second challenge was run, also recycled from Palau. Probst described it thusly: “Okay guys, you’re looking at a free lunch here. Since Bruce will be joining whichever tribe loses today, you have a golden opportunity to lose on purpose, and get rid of someone you hate. La Mina, got anyone in mind?” Misty, who hadn’t actually been seen since she was last exiled, piped up: “Oh no, we love everyone! Except Ruth Marie, but that’s okay because she’s not here this week.” Probst then fired the same question over to Casaya. “Anyone on your tribe? I’m looking at you, Shane.” Blinking rapidly and scratching at his skin, Shane replied, “So help me, if you don’t give me a cig right this second, I will kill every motherfucking last one of you!” After a 30-minute break for an emergency patch replacement session, play resumed. Shockingly, the tribe with Tom/Terry won. Apparently, in a flash of creativity, the producers decided to add something called a “zombie head” to the Palau version of the challenge, and the head needed to be set on fire for some reason. Now, maybe we’ve been watching the wrong movies, but to our recollection, zombie heads are usually concerned with finding brains, generally display little interest in fire, and are rarely disembodied. At least until they get attacked by lawnmowers. But again, maybe it’s just us.

Anyway, Casaya headed back to decide who to boot. Bobby/ “Bob Dawg” was a popular choice, seeing as he wasn’t there at the time, but eventually Shane stepped up and announced he wanted to quit. After being taken aside by Aras (”Seriously, dude, the pre-jury trips are NON-smoking! You’d be screwed! Plus you can’t call your son to bring you a pack of smokes until you get home anyway”), Shane later clarified his statement, saying: “What I actually meant was, I want to quit smoking. That’s why I’m here, see. And I have to stay here to keep at it. So, uh, sorry about the misunderstanding. Oh yeah, and we’re voting out one of the fat chicks instead. Doesn’t matter which.”

This of course made for smooth sailing, right up until tribal council, where Probst welcomed the new Casaya to their second home, and invited the new members to light their torches. As Probst would later assert to the press, nobody could have predicted this, but upon seeing cylindrical objects and flames, something snapped in Shane, and he raised his torch to his lips, desperately trying to take a puff. Suddenly noticing the tribal council set, he proceeded to race around the cave, lifting up every candle and sucking ten times harder than The War at Home. Once again, a fresh selection of full-body patches eventually restored order.

Trying to ignore the twitching, eyebrow arching, bouncing guy in the back row, Probst focused his attention on Melinda and Cirie. “So… I hear you two are pretty much screwed. Aren’t you glad we shuffled the tribes in Episode 2?” Melinda and Cirie sobbed, wailing, “It’s not fair! Just because we voted Tina out because she was strong, doesn’t mean these people can vote us out for being weak! And Shane wanted to quit!”

At this point, Probst called a halt to the filming, and conferred with his team of producers. “So whattya think, guys? Should I goad Shane into quitting, like I did with Janu? I’m pretty sure if we wave a pack and a lighter at him, just out of camera range, he’ll go for it.” But after much discussion, it was determined that Shane was likely to a lot more yelling in the next episode than Melinda, so he got to stay. Plus, since Shane was an aspiring actor, he was willing to work for scale, while Melinda wanted residuals and a cut of the DVD sales.

And so another fine (and by fine, we mean small and granular) episode of Survivor: Palau, er, Panama - Exile Island ended. Tune in next week, where if you don’t start forking over your two bucks to CBS posthaste, you’ll be sure to find a 38-minute recap and a tribal yelp, along with 22 minutes of commercials.