Swedish Chef detained at Guantanamo, Hussein ties alleged

WASHINGTON, D.C. (TDT)  In what Justice Department officials are describing as a "major breakthrough" in establishing a direct link between Saddam Hussein's Iraqi government and the Al-Qaida terrorist organization, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced yesterday that former "Muppet Show" star the Swedish Chef has been arrested and transported to the Guantanamo Bay detention facility for interrogation.     Ashcroft stated that not only did it appear that the Swedish Chef and Saddam Hussein have close ties, but that they "may in fact be the same person." Ashcroft said that federal investigators had long had the Swedish Chef under surveillance, simply because "he seemed suspicious, what with the massive eyebrows and moustache."  But it wasn't until the CIA began testing new facial recognition software that the link became evident.  According to the agency, the Swedish Chef  and Saddam Hussein scored an "almost perfect match" in their facial features.  "We're 99.99% sure they are the same person," Ashcroft announced, an almost perceptible smile slightly wrinkling the corners of his dour face.
   Federal investigators confirmed that the Swedish Chef had a "long history of surveillance" by both the FBI and CIA, owing primarily to his "flamboyant dress, mysterious appearance, predilection for various knives, mallets and cleavers, and, most of all, his continuing attempts to speak in some sort of code."
   Codebreaking specialists had long attempted to decrypt the Chef's often mystifying monologues, but little success was gained until the face recognition software came up with the match with Hussein.  "Once we had that, we knew where to start," Ashcroft explained.  According to partially declassified CIA documents, the agency found that when played backwards, many of the Chef's famous phrases sound suspiciously like "secret commands" in Arabic.  "For instance, 'Bork bork bork' appears to translate roughly to 'Kill all the infidels,'" Ashcroft stated confidently.
   Another phrase, Ashcroft alleged, sounded remarkably like "Osama bin Laden," providing what the government described as "a clear link" between the Iraqi leader Hussein and the Al-Qaida terrorist organization.
   The CIA blamed the lengthy delay in decoding the Chef's messages on governmental cutbacks.  "Basically, we had nobody that could speak Arabic," a chagrined agency spokesman admitted.  "But in all honesty, who in the last 30 years had any idea that Iraq or Iran, or the rest of the Middle East, for that matter, would turn into a hotspot of trouble?"
   Another factor weighing in favor of the arrest was the intriguing disappearance of the Swedish Chef from the public eye, coinciding almost exactly with Hussein's rise to power in Iraq.  "Have they ever been shown together in the same room?" Ashcroft asked. "We think not."
   When agents noticed that the Chef was scheduled to begin filming another Muppet movie, special operations units swooped in, arrested him, and transported him to the military detention facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. According to military commanders at the facility, the Swedish Chef has refused to speak to his captors since his arrival, and has in fact remained "almost motionless" in the corner of his cage, refusing to eat or exercise.  "He does seem to stir a bit when the wind picks up, though," one of the guards offered, helpfully.
   When interviewed by the Al-Jazeera network, Iraqi government officials were almost universally scornful of the American revelations.  Deputy Prime Minister Tariq Aziz blasted Ashcroft, barely containing his laughter as he pointed out that Hussein frequently stays out of the public eye for extended periods of time, but in this case, had been shown on national newscasts in a meeting with his advisers twice since the time of the Swedish Chef's arrest.  Ashcroft discounted this possibility, retorting that the Iraqis are notorious for their propaganda-laden broadcasts, frequently recycling footage several years old.  "We have our man," he said, nodding gravely.