True Dork Times: Volume V, No. 1

Volume V
October, 2004

'Toons to get us sued, Volume I

Like a cover band doing a novelty song, there are few things less funny than a cut-and-paste job over a previously-humorous comic strip. Nonetheless, this is our sole contribution to the political discourse this election season. So feel free to click on the image above to view "Bush-nuts" in full resolution.

FBI worried about threat from Amish extremists
'We're concerned about what they've got in all those barns,' experts say

FBI Director Robert Mueller issued a grave warning yesterday, concerning intelligence reports citing threats to United States security from a "hostile cell of Amish extremists." Homeland Security officials are said to be debating whether to raise the Terror Alert level.

Mueller offered no specifics as to the time or location of alleged threats.

   While the director refused to go into detail about the nature of the threats, rising Bush administration suspicions about Amish fundamentalist activities have been evident in recent weeks. Last Sunday on "Meet The Press," Attorney General John Ashcroft cited growing unease with non-Islamic religious groups. "We're paying close attention to a group, possibly headquartered in Pennsylvania, that seems to be openly hostile to modern Western civilization. Just like the mullahs, they want to send us back to the Stone Age! Primarily, we were worried because these people were falling through our constant surveillance of web, cell-phone and email activities. That and they lived in a battleground state, and hadn't seemed to have heard our story that John Kerry wants to raise their gas taxes by 50 cents a gallon."
   President Bush himself voiced similar concerns in a recent speech outlining coalition plans for the future of the occupation of Iraq. "My number one job is to protect this great country from another 9/11," Mr. Bush said. "And there are these fellas here in our country, who have long beards, and who speak another language, which sounds like some kind of German, or something. We have satellite photos showing they have a lot of large, barn-like buildings, which could house weapons programs. Solid intelligence reports from the CIA detect high levels of fertilizers there, which can be used to make bombs. And I learned on 9/11 that we can't afford to sit back and wait for a threat to grow. So we will act, and we will prevail."
   Democrats seemed somewhat skeptical of the administration's claims, including House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D, CA), who openly questioned whether this was merely an attempt to distract the public from the administration's sagging poll numbers in the progress of the War on Terror. But she was cut short by Speaker Dennis Hastert, who asked Pelosi why she hated Liberty and Freedom so much, and a Democratic motion to form a committee investigating the administration's alleged Amish evidence was defeated along party lines.

Survivor: Vanuatu stuff

Retirement didn't suit us too well. Too many old people, early dinners, and crosswords involved. So feel free to mock our faded skills at:
Survivometer 9
Survivor 9 Spoilers
Survivor 9 Calendar

Election 2004

Because there's something to ridicule about every candidate. Now serving the parade of would-be Vice Presidents.

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