By Percy B. Shelley III
True Dork Times Sensitive Poet

Amid choruses of catchy, well-reasoned chants such as "Death to the Murderer," and "Down With Frankenfood," the diverse collection of environmentalists, conspiracy theorists, fundamentalist Christians and PETA activists surrounded the field laboratory of Dr. Charles Wienerenmug, beat him unconscious, then set his laboratory ablaze, killing the biologist and completely destroying his notebooks and crops.  Several gigantic puppets, carried by the mob, were thankfully unharmed in the firestorm.  Police declined to prosecute the mob, stating "That sicko had it coming."

Leaders of the mob beamed confidently after being congratulated by local officials for their brave vigilante action. "It was Frankenfood. He was putting genes from other species into plants. Sure, people could have lived forever, but what if it also was some kind of poison? How do we know that seeds from those plants haven't already contaminated neighboring fields? What if that kills a butterfly, or perhaps a moth? When will these criminals stop trying to play God, and think their actions through?" Participants cheered their victory with a celebratory round of ma huang-ginseng-wheat grass smoothies.

According to scientific colleagues, Dr. Wienerenmug was in the final stages of testing a genetically-engineered crop of corn which could halt or reverse the human aging process, allowing those who ate the corn to live indefinitely in an approximately 25-year-old body. Tests in other species had been overwhelmingly successful, and Wienerenmug was analyzing the results of FDA-approved Phase III clinical trials the night of his attack.

"He had called me up, and told me it had worked," another scientist, who spoke under condition of anonymity, told the True Dork Times. "Then there was a big crashing sound, and the phone went dead."

The exact molecular nature of the genetic manipulation Wienerenmug made has been a closely-guarded secret, known only to him. According to his will, unsealed after the incident, this was to keep the crop free to the public, and the means of production out of the hands of agri-biotech firms, who could have profited substantially from it.

News that Wienerenmug was studying genetically-modified crops had somehow leaked into the press the day before the attack. Newspapers decried the placement of Wienerenmug's plants in the heart of prime farm land. Cleaning up after the scene, police appeared certain that all of the plants in question had been destroyed, along with the scientist's information on how they had been produced. "We can all sleep a little easier tonight," a police spokesman announced.

Several major newspaper editorials concurred. "As college-educated people, we know pretty much everything that's worth knowing," a New York Daily News column wrote. "We may not understand this technical, 'genetic engineering' mumbo-jumbo, or be skilled in so-called 'rational thought,' but we're quite sure that any tinkering with nature is always a very, very bad idea, quod erat demonstratum. Frankly, beating and burning was too good for this guy."

And clearly, if a lot of people think something, they must be right.

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